One Foot in Front of the Other

[Aud31]

Whapu--it's good to know you're still around. I really appreciate the pat on the back...can't ever have too much of that! I'm praying for you and your family often.

[Aud31]

Sigh. Today has been a major ANT-fighting day.

I decided to spend some time with H in his home office last night, and sat down at his computer (not snooping--was just going to look up a site) to find an open porn page--with profiles of "hot-n-horny" women in our area. Blech. He gave me a story about it opening automatically from a free-media-downloading site, that the regional information is automated using our IP address. Sounds semi-credible, but my gut wonders if I can trust his explanation. The page had been open for at least 24 hours...another browsing tab open on top of it. There didn't appear to be any login information...

It has thrown me back to wondering if everything he says and does is just an act. Some sick way of settling me down, keeping me "content and happy" so he can live a secret playboy life on the side. It feels horrible to think he's playing me.

I keep trying to change my thoughts to WHAT I WANT. I have noticed him acting a little bit differently today--like he's trying to reassure me, with some teasing and doing nice things for me, offering to take me with him when he leaves to visit some friends this evening.

I guess the root of my distrust is that from my perspective, he has never really felt true remorse and regret for what he has done, and that, IMHO, leaves the door open for it to happen again. If he doesn't realize just how big a deal it is, why should he watch himself?

I don't know how to resolve these feelings without dragging up the past. I'm trying so hard not to, trying to get past my fear. Trying to be open and non-judgemental with him, and praying he's being honest with me.

[whapu]

Aud,
Trying to make a better effort with posting and visiting. So here comes my maybe futile attempt of gurgles of perspective...

his computer (not snooping--was just going to look up a site) to find an open porn page--with profiles of "hot-n-horny" women in our area. Blech. He gave me a story about it opening automatically from a free-media-downloading site, that the regional information is automated using our IP address.

Strangely, I have experience in this little scenerio from my children. He is most likely coming clean on this. About a year ago I checked the history on our computer and found these "little treasures" lurking. I was initially pi$$sed and confronted my older boys about this and they swore all they were doing was looking at "cheats" for their video games. Sure enough upon further investigation they were right! (I of course blocked these pages on the browser from coming up in the future). There are even sites That I use for free small application software that links with these sites as well.

I have noticed him acting a little bit differently today--like he's trying to reassure me, with some teasing and doing nice things for me, offering to take me with him when he leaves to visit some friends this evening.

Aud, I am not sticking up for your H necessarily but I can only spurt a little of my perspective. I really believe that he knows that you feel a little tense and skeptical over finding the website and he probably thinks he needs to lighten the air with his jesting and settle down the thoughts of (here we go again) with his invitations while he is still on "Red Alert". I guess YOU need to know AUD that you forgive because of YOU not him. When you release the BLAME you release the weight of burden. If you tilt your head to the side you might see he is being "caring"...like it really does matter to him how you feel.

I guess the root of my distrust is that from my perspective, he has never really felt true remorse and regret for what he has done, and that, IMHO, leaves the door open for it to happen again. If he doesn't realize just how big a deal it is, why should he watch himself?

I don't know how to resolve these feelings without dragging up the past. I'm trying so hard not to, trying to get past my fear. Trying to be open and non-judgemental with him, and praying he's being honest with me.

I really believe he does FEEL remorse. My W has brought this to my attention more than once. Flip the coin and if he was constantly dragging his feet and having his head down would that make you feel more comfortable in your relationship? It's hard to move when you dont go any where. I think he believes the more times he mentions it the more "life" he pumps into it and it will give less chance of it going away.
Aud, You are a very non-judgmental woman so you shouldnt have any fears regarding this. Just take the costumes off your thoughts and tell them they will probably have a chance to perform in the future. You have done a marvelous job in the past and you should know once again....if your H does stray or pulls the wool over your eyes...it is his hand that are dirty...not yours...peace

[the girl]

Aud,
I was just having the most awful morning, thought I'd check the forum and just read what you wrote. Your words are incredibly reassuring.

I have zero trust in my H and I feel like a total idiot for giving him another chance. All I can think about is how he is probably a duplicitous person at his core, and I am once again jumping in front of a truck trying to make it work. Bad morning.

I read your thread and I can't imagine my H doing even 1/2 of those things to make our R good. I am so blessed to read about someone who seems to be on the other side of the mountain. I truly hope and pray that your H keeps at it, and loves you deeply for your strength and faithfulness. Your kids will be forever blessed by your dedication.

Thanks for your kind words!
The Girl

[cat03]

I agree with Whapu, after the latest bomb was uncovered my H would tell me how I drove him nuts with my neurotic misgivings (some where while he was in the latest A, but which were truly unfounded) and how , when I did it pre-A it'd just relive the old A memories, each time I talked about them.

IMHO, leaves the door open for it to happen again.
=====================
You said it hon, in your own opinion. Need I say more?
Now, I'm also hurt by the fact that when the 2nd A was uncovered H could only mustered a sad short "sorry" at the C and never said anything else. But as you posted on the girl's thread, that's the person he is, he is showing remorse by other ways.

[Aud31]

Okay. I appreciate the mini-2x4s Whapu, Girl and Cat. I really do. And Whapu--thanks for the verification on the downloading site issue. He swore to me last night (after I posted) that he was telling the truth, and I decided to believe him.

I guess YOU need to know AUD that you forgive because of YOU not him. When you release the BLAME you release the weight of burden. If you tilt your head to the side you might see he is being "caring"...like it really does matter to him how you feel.

I DO forgive him. I guess I kind of got stuck in my dismay and lost sight of that. The whole idea of "the best predictor of future behavior is past action" keeps popping up in my head. I think holding that thought in front of me like a shield is not likely to create a safe/inviting environment for H to hold on to.

You're right--if H betrayed me again, it's his hands that would be dirty, not mine. I have worried that if he did, I would be responsible because to some degree I allowed it, because I was aware of the past...if that makes any sense. But why should I spend time fretting about what could happen? It's an ANT. (Are you tired of that yet Cat? )

I realize that he is showing me in his own ways that he cares about how I feel. He has put off his work trip again (he was talking about leaving a couple weeks ago), but will most likely leave this weekend. He asked me if I will fly down to meet him...he knows I am not comfortable with his traveling alone, and I appreciate the invitation. So the ANT that worries about who he could spend alone time with before/after I go there will be dying an ignominious death. HYAH!

So, I'll just get more busy with my chief ANTeater--the one I send out to stomp those pesky thoughts: I enjoy a happy, fulfilling marriage to a loving, faithful, worthy man.

I will. I know I will. I'm already on my way.

[Phoenix_spark]

There ya go, that's the attitude you need.

[whapu]

Aud,

appreciate the mini-2x4s Whapu

I am sorry if you took anything I said as a 2x4...I havent been around long enough to be flinging wood, I am still in the cardboard phase. I was just trying to provide another perspective....You as always are treading down the right path....I have "vacant head" again today and no words are dribbling out of my fingers but embrace the week and squeeze all they joy it has to the last drop! peace....

[cat03]

lol, glad the ANT reference helps It's a good way to challenge our thoughts and not let our emotions do the thinking (like me, loosing it yesterday, oy!)

[the girl]

Aud dear,
I wasn't meaning to give you a swat! I was trying to tell you that you are my hero, and your sitch gives me great hope. I really, really, really hope I will be in your shoes soon...decisively piecing with a man who has mountains of shame and brokenness to deal with.

All that to say that what is even more realistic about your success is that you are still human enough to have bad days, and doubts and fears. But this is a brilliant gem:

You're right--if H betrayed me again, it's his hands that would be dirty, not mine. I have worried that if he did, I would be responsible because to some degree I allowed it, because I was aware of the past...if that makes any sense. But why should I spend time fretting about what could happen?

I cannot tell you how much I also agonize over being responsible for giving a 'man like him' another chance. This must go to the core of our own need to be successful with our lives. No one wants to be seen as a weak doormat woman.

Bless you, Aud!
The Girl