My h's dad is in a nursing home. He knows MIL can't take care of him as he is going to get worse and he can't breath at home because of MIL's cigarette smoke.(she won't smoke outside and she smokes around oxygen tanks). He has stage three lung cancer and COPD from the cancer.There is nothing more that they can do for him he is going to pass on. He is 85 and has lived a full life, he knows this. The thing is we think MIL has dementia and if she gets a minute alone with him she goes off on how he has to come home and this is all his fault, he just is trying to get away from her, and wants to see her homless. Everyone calls me, and I have to relay this stuff she is saying and doing to H and I feel like im'e bit##ing at him when i tell him. I know what is going on bothers him, and I try to tell them i think she knows not what she says(persay)and ask them to tell him not me but they don't. Im'e eisier to talk to, and I think they need to vent too.
I guess i just feel like he might think that this stuff is from my mouth not there's. When iv'e said things to him he says what do you want me to do. I just tell him that it's not coming from me im'e just the messenger.
MIL doesn't say any of this stuff around H so he doesn't see it as much.
Just trying to figure out a diplomatic way to handle everyone and keep my M and my sanity.
Any suggestions?
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I see understand why they call you (you are easy to talk to, they need to vent, etc). However, can you just listen and not feel obligated to pass on what is being said to H??? That part sounds like it's causing you a lot of stress.
H and I went to a wedding Sat. It was good but H was pretty quiet(not in a bad way) and while everyone was telling me how nice I looked he never said a word.(even after I told him how nice he looked). One of my twin Grandsons was the ring bearer and got most of the way down the isle when he saw H and went right over to him and sat in his lap and stayed there.(They are Grandpa's boys) (good thing my son who was best man had the ring).
It was an early wedding so they had an after part at the grooms parents(our good friends). we went home to change in to warm clothes as it is cold up here and were talking about how it wasn't as dressed as we were. I told H i didn't look as nice as i did either and he said oh yes you do, came over gave me a hug and a big kiss and picked me up(until he was about to get a hernia) It did make me feel better but WOW how they can do about faces. Well at the party (which was outside) it was getting cold and I had a hoodie on with a front pocket and he put his arms around me and his hands in my pockets with mine and held me for a while like that while listening to the band that played. So all in all a pretty good day I would say and I see a lot more positives than negatives. One thing I know when I have a PMA his gets better. I have to remember though if he is down it doesn't mean that it has to do with me.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
But I wanted to say GREAT!! That sounds so wonderful.... I can feel it in your post... Im so glad for you.. you so so deserve it.. and sure you looked great.. some men are really bad with compliments... My H isn't bad but he lacks in other areas..
Doesn't look like my H will be heading up north he's got too much work here, unless he goes up for the wkend. Don' know. I know he has to go to utica in the next 3 wks so we will see.
Kiddies are in bed, he is actually working the nite shift so I have some quiet time.. though i should be getting to bed.
Had a vertigo attack last nite.. have you ever had that.. OMG.... it was horrible... never been through something like that before.. H was ok about it wanted to help, but sometimes I think its forced. His mother was so not the nuturing type, I guess he got some of that.
Ok Ill stop complaingin now..hehe
Anyways, Its good to hear your doing well..
Fondly, your friend..
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
YAY JAK!! Sounds like an awesome night and I'm so happy for you. Bet you looked awesome.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Keep thinking positive, Jak! The interactions at the wedding sounded good. The hard part is keeping your PMA and not let it be affected by your H. You are doing such a good job!!!!!! (((JAK)))
I have never had Vertigo but a friend of mine did on her D's Wedding day it was bad and I felt so sad for her. I took a while for her to get over it do I hear you. Your H's Mom screwed H up Royaly didn't she?
Matbe someday we'll be able to meet.
Nikki and Tal,
I did look good I think My D told me i looked slimmer also. I still have wei,ght i want to lose (about 40lb's) but doing good it's a slow process, but want it to be permanent.
The positive I love to see but i also have to take them as positives in the respect that there still is alot of work to be done (never will end actually).
Matilda,
Hugs to you also, as you have been a strong inspiration to me. Your strenth, Love, and class have inspired so many here. I don't know what to say at a time like this for you except that you (and everyone) are in my heart.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Can you think of a positive way to let your H know that it's important to you to hear compliments about your appearance? He probably was thinking how nice you looked, but kept it to himself.
He needs to be reminded how important this is to you, and to work on developing a new habit. This is an easy way for a couple to connect. He needs to be working on his skills at connection.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Can you think of a positive way to let your H know that it's important to you to hear compliments about your appearance?
He needs to be working on his skills at connection.
CL
Easier said than done, right, Jak? How do you do this without appearing to be nagging or whining? CL, any ideas? I know your wife can hurt your feelings/affect your self esteem sometimes (probably without meaning to, but her attempt at communicating her needs). Why does communication have to be so hard????
(good thing my son who was best man had the ring). 
It did make me feel better but WOW how they can do about faces. Well at the party (which was outside) it was getting cold and I had a hoodie on with a front pocket and he put his arms around me and his hands in my pockets with mine and held me for a while like that while listening to the band that played. 
So all in all a pretty good day I would say and I see a lot more positives than negatives. One thing I know when I have a PMA his gets better. I have to remember though if he is down it doesn't mean that it has to do with me.