Oh, well, since we have been talking bluntly......I thought of something else. You can put it in store if you don't need it in the near future. Again, I have to say this is just "me" and not all LD women, ok? This is plain speaking, but when my H is into foreplay.....he takes way too long. He would probably be some women's delight, but he is so "slow" that it kind of kills the excitement for me. I guess I need more "action" or PASSION....yes that's it...."passion"!
You poor men! I know women are so complex it drives you crazy! One time I'm telling you to get us into the mood and the next I'm saying, "but don't take too long".....during foreplay and then the next female is telling you to take more time during foreplay. I feel so sorry for you.
So, now you answer one for me. How do I tell my H without hurting his male ego that I want him to be more of an "action hero" than a ......uh.......librian(?) No, that doesn't sound very nice. I don't know what to compare it to. I think if he came on with more passionate moves that maybe I could heat up more quickly. I have always tried to get it through to him that the more we did it the more often I would be in the mood and the less we did it the less I would be in the mood. I thought it would sink into his skull after so many decades, but it didn't. The things he did I didn't like.....I told him.....but, he kept doing it. Did he think I would change my mind? I finally used a "word" picture like Gary Smalley talkes about doing. I think he finally got that part....but it hurt him a lot and he hasn't made love to me since then. My H hates cheese, the smell, taste....everything about it.....no matter how it is prepared....he hates it. So, I asked him one time what would he think if he kept coming home for dinner to find that I had cooked everything with cheese in it. Had it sprinkled on top of salads, cut up in things, etc. After all....I love chesse and I can't understand why he doesn't like it since I love it. So, If I just keep giving him cheese, surely he would like it. He got angry and said, "OK, I know you are going somewhere with this, but I don't know what you are trying to say." So, I told him the "thing" he always did that I had told him over and over again and again for thrity years that I did not like. Well, he finally got the picture, but he hasn't made love to me since. Now, I don't think that surely had anything to do with it, but just goes to show you how sensitive people can be about their technique in love making or foreplay! So, after that, I am careful not to mention the rest that I don't like...lol. But, seriously, he always felt like I was rejecting him and it wasn't so much him as it was the "moves" or the technique or "thing" he was doing that I didn't like. But, you try to tell some people and then they don't make love for a couple of decades. What sense does that make? But, then he thinks I'm frigid. Well, the OM didn't think so! I don't think I am either. I did choose to stay with my H instead of the OM and I may never know what or if the grass had been greener on the other side. Hell, I may never have sex again......at this point, who knows? I have forgotten what we started out talking about.......hahahahah.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 I may never have sex again......at this point, who knows? I have forgotten what we started out talking about.......hahahahah
First, hang in there.
Second start a thread here on SSM. I don't like ki-jacking someone elses thread. I don't have time tonight (10:14 local time) for a few questions or suggestions.
Hi Sandi, Since you are the most popular person on this website, how can I ask you your advice? Could you please check out my last 2 posts, I would appreciate it more than you could know. Thanks GoodGuy
"We're here for a good time, not a long time" ________________________________________
M:48 W: 43 S;20, S;10 Married: 14 Years / Together 17 Years Bomb Dropped: 2/4/07 Separated: 6/29/07 D to be filed by my W soon.
It really feels like she is going through the motions and not pursing me because she really loves me.
Marvin,
She may not be truely "high sex drive". She may or may not be truely "turned on". but the thing is.. she DOES love you. She loves you enough to try this now.
yes, you wanted it this way for a long time, and didnt get it in the timeframe you wanted. Dont let that make you bitter, and turn it down now that she is offering it to you.
I would suggest that you choose to accept it, and see if it lasts.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Marvin I'm with Dom on this view as well I'd like to add that I doubt it if your wife is the one who is solely responsible in creating the situation. She may not have wanted to do anything about it in the past but that is the past.
If you don't address the issues that you contributed to the state of your marriage the likelihood that you will recreate it in a new relationship is fairly high in my opinion. What you do is ultimately your choice, good luck.
Repeatly, I have made my frustrations apparent to her, however she did not give it the attention that it deserved.
Hmmmm. I wonder if you can hear yourself... we could possibly distill this down to: "I have a problem (frustration). What are YOU going to do to FIX it!?"
That, to many people, is not a turn-on, in any way, shape, or form. I'm not saying I don't understand your frustration. But it is YOUR frustration, and I'm sure you have very definite ideas how you want her to behave to alleviate YOUR frustration.
And perhaps you can see... there really is nothing in that viewpoint that allows her to have her own feelings, wants and needs... or even feel safe in exploring them... in the face of you making your sexuality HER responsibility.
And honestly, I think you have been attacking the wrong issue. Lack of sex isn't the disease... it is the symptom of the disease. So treating the symptom is not curing the disease... IT just continues to fester and swell and spread to other areas of the R.
But the way you have attacked it, you have convinced your wife that the disease from which you suffer is lack of sex, and it is her job to heal you in order to save her M.
Now. If you had cancer, why would it be your wife's job to treat and heal your disease? I'm sure as a loving partner, she would be there to offer support, compassion, find a good doctor and treatment program WITH you... and do all she could to fight WITH you.
It sounds to me, however, that what you are describing is so adversarial... it is like you are BLAMING her for you having cancer.
So maybe in the way you have presented this issue to her... where you think you have been clear... you have actually been sending a much different message.
Yes. The situation must be addressed. Absolutely. But if you want to heal your M (along with your sex life), the first thing that is going to have to go is your resentment and your anger.
None of us can really help you until you decide what it is you want to do. Stay in or get out. Before you decide THAT... I would advise you, from personal experience... to let go of the anger and resentment... so you can act with clear thought... not riled emotions. Kwis?
