The ties that bind

[haphazard]

OK, so I was feeling blah yesterday. I have got myself back on track and I did it by reminding myself to have NO expectations of H. My expectations (I think) were

a) H would be rested and cheerful after his trip
b) H would be pleased to see me and would express that pleasure physically

H was still acting very introverted during yesterday evening, but hey guess what he is an introvert. Every evening he hides in the utility room smoking and drinking a few beers. This evening was the first when I actaully thought - that's his choice, that's what he wants to do. He is taking time to himself away from the world and he chooses to do it in that way. Who am I to worry that the utility room is not the most pleasant place to hang out, who am I to concern myself that he is drinking and smoking too much. It's what he likes to do to unwind after a hard day.

So I happily went about my business, popping in now and then to grab something from the big fridge that is in there and passing the odd pleasant remark about this and that but not trying to make it into a full-blown conversation which would have interrupted his down-time.

After dinner he went up to the den and did a bit of work on the accounts. I sat and read but I felt lonely. It occurred to me that I did not feel lonely when he was away even though I was alone, but I do feel lonely when he's here but not wanting to interact with me. The fact that he is choosing not to interact with me when he could makes me feel rejected, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me that he chooses to be alone rather than with me. He has told me countless times that he just is a person that needs time on his own, but I just have been refusing to get it. And making it all about me

Anyhow a little later he came down and we watched some TV together (Michael Moore's Farenheit 911) we passed a few comments back and forth about the show. Later on we went to bed, and this time he seemed at ease and comfortable with some minor physical contact.

This morning some not so minor physical contact took place at his initiation

So I have the theory of no expectations all straight in my head - now I just have to keep up the practice.

Fran