There and Back, #5

[S_O_T_S]

Good morning morgan.

I can barely keep up.

Here goes:

I have the perfect example of cutting off my nose to spite my face. for every valentines day since we were back in the boston area, my h has sent me the most stunning roses from our favorite florist. they come in a gorgeous vase, [edited] I took all 3 vases and threw them in the garbage...never wanted to see them again. and now I regret it...I have nothing that will fit the pb stems. arrggggghhh. yeah, I know I can go buy a new vase, but they were so pretty in that one. blech.

I think this is important because there are two lessons that I see.

1) Acting impulsively may well have unintended consequences

2) Even if they were so pretty in the old one, that's no longer an option. Now you have to find a new one where the flowers are at least just as pretty, if not prettier.

I find myself brooding. playing back all the ways h has hurt me over the last 6 months...the lies he's so easily told, the games played, the carelessless in which he has treated me and our relationship. I keep thinking of all the ways he fought to keep her...the things he did to keep her from dumping him. and the fact that I was willing to settle for the smallest hints that he might still want me.

Mixed feelings about this one. At some level, you do need to think about these things, but how much is too much and to what end?

Trust me, from experience, dwelling on the past as a lever to find fault with yourself probably isn't the best thing to be doing.

I guess I want to know, is there really any chance for saving a marriage after what ours has gone thru?

This depends on your capacity for forgiveness, healing and learning from the past. It depends on his being able to admit his mistakes, his helping you heal and his learning from the past. And both of you making a committment to hard work in the future.

am I being foolish to think he could ever be an honest, upright man again? that our marriage could ever be something good again?

Only you know and he know the answers to both of these.

Some people can realize mistakes, learn from them and prevent future ones. Others can't.

I sometimes wonder if I get into these funks to try to hold myself back. its just so hard sometimes.

Interesting idea. And you'd want to 'hold yourself back' because.... You like being in a funk?

While I suppose there is a tendency to wallow in self-pity, I'd prefer to think of this as a necessary part of getting rid of all the crappy feelings...

and I guess there is a part of me that hopes if H does want back into my life, back into our marriage, that he will show me at least the effort he put into saving his affair with her. but maybe it won't be like that, if it does happen, maybe it will be different.

Expectations are killer. From observing many situations here, my instinct is that this doesn't happen often. It's usually that the returning partner feels justified and wants to know why the one cheated upon can't put things behind them, get over it and move on.

but somehow seeing how little effort it takes for me to hope, to want him, it just makes me feel...cheap.

Why is this something to feel cheap over? Seems admirable.

Plus, you're still wanting the 'old him', or only part of the him that exists now.

even if I'm alone, to light a fire, to light some candles, to just relax and enjoy those things. I may miss someone to snuggle, but hey, I can pour a glass of wine, put on some music and still have a nice evening.

Here's where you keep perspective and can look at things from multiple viewpoints. What's keeping you from doing that at other times, say when you're feeling 'cheap?'.

I am tempted to get angry at H, at how casually he has thrown away our lives together, how poorly he has treated me. I want to yell and scream at him, I want to throw things at him.

but then I think of all of the people who lost their lives, or lost their loved ones, on this day, and I realize how petty I sound. if my husband no longer loving me is the worst tragedy I should ever face, well, I am damned lucky. I am. so instead of continuing to wallow, I'm going to give thanks for the love I do have in my life. I know I say that from time to time. I think I did even earlier today. I need to tatoo it on my brain, so every time I get into these funks I remember just how good I have it.


This is well known to psychologists (forgot what it's called) but it can be a little dangerous to do this.

This is what you just said:

"Other people have it worse than me, so what right do I have to feel bad? So, I'm going to stop feeling bad."

So, this becomes a rationalization by which you ultimately deny your own feelings.

Do you really think you don't have a right to feel [bad, mad, sad....] about your situation?

Doing what you just said is good for perspective, but it can't come at the cost of burying justifiable feelings.

And while we're on the subject of feelings, I just want to address one thing lwb said, since I think it's important...:

cheap....and second rate....and last choice....and lots of other things. That's how I feel and don't know how to get past those feelings. And the person that made me feel this way?

This isn't just for lwb, since everybody does this at some time or another.

Who made you feel a certain way? You do?

You have a thought - I'm cheap. Maybe his actions caused you to have that thought, fair enough. But you are in control of how you react to that thought. And your feelings follow from that reaction.

You own your own feelings.

Take care,