I have the perfect example of cutting off my nose to spite my face. for every valentines day since we were back in the boston area, my h has sent me the most stunning roses from our favorite florist. they come in a gorgeous vase, [edited] I took all 3 vases and threw them in the garbage...never wanted to see them again. and now I regret it...I have nothing that will fit the pb stems. arrggggghhh. yeah, I know I can go buy a new vase, but they were so pretty in that one. blech.
I think this is important because there are two lessons that I see.
1) Acting impulsively may well have unintended consequences
2) Even if they were so pretty in the old one, that's no longer an option. Now you have to find a new one where the flowers are at least just as pretty, if not prettier.
I find myself brooding. playing back all the ways h has hurt me over the last 6 months...the lies he's so easily told, the games played, the carelessless in which he has treated me and our relationship. I keep thinking of all the ways he fought to keep her...the things he did to keep her from dumping him. and the fact that I was willing to settle for the smallest hints that he might still want me.
Mixed feelings about this one. At some level, you do need to think about these things, but how much is too much and to what end?
Trust me, from experience, dwelling on the past as a lever to find fault with yourself probably isn't the best thing to be doing.
I guess I want to know, is there really any chance for saving a marriage after what ours has gone thru?
This depends on your capacity for forgiveness, healing and learning from the past. It depends on his being able to admit his mistakes, his helping you heal and his learning from the past. And both of you making a committment to hard work in the future.
am I being foolish to think he could ever be an honest, upright man again? that our marriage could ever be something good again?
Only you know and he know the answers to both of these.
Some people can realize mistakes, learn from them and prevent future ones. Others can't.
I sometimes wonder if I get into these funks to try to hold myself back. its just so hard sometimes.
Interesting idea. And you'd want to 'hold yourself back' because.... You like being in a funk?
While I suppose there is a tendency to wallow in self-pity, I'd prefer to think of this as a necessary part of getting rid of all the crappy feelings...
and I guess there is a part of me that hopes if H does want back into my life, back into our marriage, that he will show me at least the effort he put into saving his affair with her. but maybe it won't be like that, if it does happen, maybe it will be different.
Expectations are killer. From observing many situations here, my instinct is that this doesn't happen often. It's usually that the returning partner feels justified and wants to know why the one cheated upon can't put things behind them, get over it and move on.
but somehow seeing how little effort it takes for me to hope, to want him, it just makes me feel...cheap.
Why is this something to feel cheap over? Seems admirable.
Plus, you're still wanting the 'old him', or only part of the him that exists now.
even if I'm alone, to light a fire, to light some candles, to just relax and enjoy those things. I may miss someone to snuggle, but hey, I can pour a glass of wine, put on some music and still have a nice evening.
Here's where you keep perspective and can look at things from multiple viewpoints. What's keeping you from doing that at other times, say when you're feeling 'cheap?'.
I am tempted to get angry at H, at how casually he has thrown away our lives together, how poorly he has treated me. I want to yell and scream at him, I want to throw things at him.
but then I think of all of the people who lost their lives, or lost their loved ones, on this day, and I realize how petty I sound. if my husband no longer loving me is the worst tragedy I should ever face, well, I am damned lucky. I am. so instead of continuing to wallow, I'm going to give thanks for the love I do have in my life. I know I say that from time to time. I think I did even earlier today. I need to tatoo it on my brain, so every time I get into these funks I remember just how good I have it.
This is well known to psychologists (forgot what it's called) but it can be a little dangerous to do this.
This is what you just said:
"Other people have it worse than me, so what right do I have to feel bad? So, I'm going to stop feeling bad."
So, this becomes a rationalization by which you ultimately deny your own feelings.
Do you really think you don't have a right to feel [bad, mad, sad....] about your situation?
Doing what you just said is good for perspective, but it can't come at the cost of burying justifiable feelings.
And while we're on the subject of feelings, I just want to address one thing lwb said, since I think it's important...:
cheap....and second rate....and last choice....and lots of other things. That's how I feel and don't know how to get past those feelings. And the person that made me feel this way?
This isn't just for lwb, since everybody does this at some time or another.
Who made you feel a certain way? You do?
You have a thought - I'm cheap. Maybe his actions caused you to have that thought, fair enough. But you are in control of how you react to that thought. And your feelings follow from that reaction.
You own your own feelings.
Take care,
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Thanks again SOTS for putting things into perspective.
We do have a right to feel bad. These situations are horrible.
A lot of us have the same feeling of being cheapened and made to be second rate. Thanks for reminding us we don't have to feel this way.
"and I guess there is a part of me that hopes if H does want back into my life, back into our marriage, that he will show me at least the effort he put into saving his affair with her. but maybe it won't be like that, if it does happen, maybe it will be different.
Expectations are killer. From observing many situations here, my instinct is that this doesn't happen often. It's usually that the returning partner feels justified and wants to know why the one cheated upon can't put things behind them, get over it and move on."
This is the part that scares the crap out of me. Like Morgan, one of the big things I need to see is at least a little remorse and accountablility for the damage done by the affair. How does one get past this if the returning spouse feels "justified"?
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
My H actually told a mutual friend that his affair was the "only way that things could have gone." She told him that she didn't want to hear that--there were many other ways to go.
What kind of mind gymnastics do WAS have to do to justify an affair? My H has also said that he doesn't see what he did as an affair, as he no longer "felt" married or loved me. wth?
thanks all. I know I have a right to feel hurt/anger, even if things in the world are worse, but honestly it does help me put it a little more in perspective.
not a great day today, in spite of that. just tired from last night's lack of sleep. the twins did great in preschool, I had a good therapy session, went to the dentist (oh the joy). all is okay, but still, I'm just concerned that I am getting way too invested in H again. hopes of things changing are getting way too high.
he just e-mailed me to let me know he needs to go to vegas in a couple of weeks for the weekend. um, needs? I don't even want to ask about that one. yeah, he used to go with his old company once in a blue moon, but I don't think the new one does that. or maybe they do. I know its not good for me to ask. or speculate. so I need to stop, but can't help think he's going there to either celebrate ow and his 1 year anniversary (which would make it a month earlier than I thought it was, or at least a couple of weeks earlier) or he is going with her because she is going with the company and he's just going to play. again, dumb to speculate, so I need to stop...but hard to. and really, does it matter if he is f'ing her here or there? what's the difference?
just bummed. not depressed, not wallowing, am keeping things in perspective, just bummed about the reality of our relationship.
and tired. so tired. H is coming over after work tonight. normally I'd take myself to the gym for some cardio, but I'm so tired I think I'm just going to take a hot bath and lay down/chill out while he spends time with them.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I think about colin firth's role a lot. well, I like colin firth, so hard not to think about whatever role he is in, lol. but his story was about his unfaithful g-f (wife?) and he went off to france I think to write. I want to enjoy the fact that he found love again, but I don't...I think he rushed into something, was so eager to love someone again and be loved by someone again that he convinces himself he is, even if he hardly knows the girl. Its a mistake I hope and plan to avoid. but its something that I can understand...wanting love again so much.
You know I am starting to see that this is how WS seem to justify their affairs in the first place. We root for Colin's character to find love with someone else besides his wife because we see that his wife has betrayed him. In many spouses' minds they feel they have been given a life that they do not want, they feel resent and betrayed and they want to find some other love or excitement or to get back some feeling like Colin Firth's character. Yeah, my H really feels like I betrayed him and that I broke his heart and spirit and that gives him free license to do as he wishes. Eve if it was in his mind or from my words or actions. Of course I did not bop his brother, but still. Now it expands because I have been cheated on and I want to go write somewhere and meet a hot guy who may or may not speak da English. But I won't. I can't.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
"This depends on your capacity for forgiveness, healing and learning from the past. It depends on his being able to admit his mistakes, his helping you heal and his learning from the past. And both of you making a committment to hard work in the future." Stoic-
I think this is one of the most crucial components of reconciling after an infidelty. The WS must actually be remorseful and that is out of our control right now.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
My H actually told a mutual friend that his affair was the "only way that things could have gone." She told him that she didn't want to hear that--there were many other ways to go.
My H tod me the same thing on the phone! He said it did not matter if he worked in a bar or at a train station. It would have happened. Now, I am not sure if he meant romantically this OW was his destiny or if he just needed to have an affair with the first person who would have him in any sitch. I kind of think it is the latter. I think that this OP is really just a generic OP.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
and tired. so tired. H is coming over after work tonight. normally I'd take myself to the gym for some cardio, but I'm so tired I think I'm just going to take a hot bath and lay down/chill out while he spends time with them.
Um, what if his hands get all friendly again? My H would always be conveniently watching the bedroom TV with the kids after I would get out of the bath. These guys still think we are their property!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
"My H has also said that he doesn't see what he did as an affair, as he no longer "felt" married or loved me. wth? "
Must be in the code book. I have heard that too. BLECKY
Morgan, you do what you want (hot bath or gym), but mk is right, be prepared for what decision you are going to make. Please know, I am not judging you. I don't regret ML to H the few times we have since the bomb, so I totally know where you are coming from.
Let me know how the night went. Well, not the gooey details. LOL
