muddled and angry: Puddle's sencond thread

[Puddle]

Hey Heim! How are those studly legs doing?

but now he seems to be coming around but _still_ being totally done.

I'm living this. On the one hand, it's terrifying. On the other, a little liberating.

When I first read this, I thought, yeah, I can see that. Now I'm not sure what you mean about "liberating." Could you expound on that?

even if your H ever says "I just don't like you," it doesn't have to be permanent.

Yes, this is what I'm trying to keep in mind. Also that just because I'm not particularly fond of him at the moment doesn't mean I won't be in the future or that I don't want to continue to work on this.

You DB coach said it's OK to be vulnerable? She give you any tips for that without getting into a deep R talk?

She said that because one of the big problems in our R as I see it is that I keep distance between me and H, showing vulnerability is a 180 for me. (This is one of the things I was confused about when not talking about my feelings---we lacked connection because I wouldn't connect and now I'm not supposed to open up?) With that in mind, she said that when H initiates an R talk, I could bring that up. She said to be brief, like I did when H was on his tear about my cheeriness being an act and how he'd be feeling hurt, sad, etc. I finally said, "Sure I'm feeling sad, hurt, and angry. And right now I'm focusing on becoming the person I want to be." See, I can be brief! She didn't say NOT to get into a big R talk, and to be honest, when H starts them and I'm willing, they're anything but brief.

I guess I took it this way: I can show him what I want to re my feelings (in brief), even cry a little if I want, and then I'm going to listen listen listen. He likes to talk, too, so I'm just gathering info and validating.

How do you show emotion/vulnerability without talking too damn much?

You shut up.

But seriously, to take a tip from you, you write down the one or two things you want to say, you cut them down to one sentence each, and you say them. Then you stop. At least that's what I'm planning on doing. How about this: "I'm feeling so sad about the loss of security I had, which I really valued, believing that you'd always stand by me, and that's going to take some time to get past."

I'm not saying I'm going to say that, but it's an example of stating a feeling briefly and honestly. What do you think? If you have any examples, I'd love to hear them.

I do think that you need to be careful on showing the vulnerability. Take it slow, because it can very easily point blame, or cause guilt to the WAS, and you really don't want that. You want to continue to show strength to him for the most part, but of course you don't need to pretend to be superwoman either. So find a good balance with that, an honest balance.

That's the key, isn't it? The same thing Heim was asking. It's going to be a tightrope walk, with lots of careful gauging and changing tack if necessary. For me, saying clearly what I want and sharing my feelings---especially re this sitch and in the face of H's formidable debating skills---are both 180s. I want to avoid saying things designed to induce guilt (believe me, I've spent a lot of time sharpening those weapons) but still speak the truth about what it feels like on this end.

And weirdly, regardless of all this insanity, H has really told me very little about what he thinks of our R, what problems he ever had with me, and what he's missing. He's also said several times that "a lot of things came together at once," making this a really hard time for him, but hasn't elaborated on that, and I think it would be useful to hear about them.

Take care, everyone. I sure appreciate your input.