What do you need to do for yourself? Who is the person you want to be?
Indeed. Here are my big-time goals:
1) Unflappable zen mama: I want to be a person who doesn't fret in the face of the unexpected (be that H is going to be late for work, the kids made a huge mess or won't get in the tub, or H decides he's done with the M)--- less stressing out, waaaaay more lightening up
2) I want to be assertive about what I want and think, not wishy-washy or passive or pandering to H (or anyone else)
3) I want to live from a place of courage instead of fear, which means taking risks that feel scary instead of feeling afraid and not taking risks. I want to put myself out there (and to H) 100%, allow myself to be vulnerable, even if it means getting hurt. (And remember that keeping walls up doesn't keep me from getting hurt anyway!)
ST: Are you talking to me (you wrote CVA)? Yes, distraction is good. I've got so much distraction going on right now, but a lot of it is negative (dad in the hospital, mom freaking out, trip to aunt's memorial service, etc) and it doesn't help with the general state of things. Now good things coming up: camping with close friend for the next couple days, big group camping trip (including H), to wine country for visit with inlaws (with H), so that should help. And I'm taking care of all kinds of practical business that I'd usually let H do, which is a boost for my PMA and feeling of self-sufficiency. I can get the damn brakes fixed myself!
Re lightening up (and humor, which Dottie encouraged me to cultivate, especially re my sitch): Tonight I asked H if my friend can use his sleeping bag. Now, he's always been a bit funny about that kind of thing. He hesitated, said it was a little intimate. I asked if I could use it and she can use mine? He hesitated again and asked if I'd wear socks. He said, "Call me peculiar..." and I said, "Oh, I do."
Didn't do so well when I was reading the boards and he asked if I'm using the new thingamajig he set up and reached for the computer. I pulled it away and closed the window. He said, "Get rid of all the incriminating evidence?" I said, "No incriminating evidence," and missed the opportunity to say something silly instead. Still working on it.
