Start giving him genuine time and space sooner rather than later. Quit making physical and emotional demands on him. Quit having any expectations of him. Get on with your life without him. Like today.
But, I am functioning much better than over the summer. Had another great day at work. I really like my student teacher--she is naturally good with the kids, and works very hard, always asks what she should work on to be ready for the next day. And I can't tell you how good it is to be with all of those kids. I have been in the one building for 8 years, now, and I have seen these huge 5th graders grow up in front of my eyes since they were 4 and falling asleep in Kindergarten class. I am so blessed to be working at a job that is so fulfilling.
I got back in touch with a colleague (I was hurt back in Feb and all assumed that I went quiet on them because of the surgery/pain). In Jan, her boyfriend of 8 years told her he had some bad news for her one night--he was leaving for Japan (for a year) to teach in a month, and he didn't want to stay together! Now, he calls or emails, grilling her on who and where she goes out. Another alien abduction.
We are making plans for this weekend, since H will have the kids again. Wings, maybe catch up with other teacher friends, karaoke, dancing; we'll see. She isn't 30 yet, so it should be a fun crowd. And I can still pass for 25 ;0)
******
Is it detrimental to get on with my life without him, while still believing in my heart that we belong together? That this can't be the end? I won't continually share this message with him anymore (I am positive that he knows where I am in all this).
It's like living in a world with no color, no music. Yes, I can live it, but the most beautiful parts of life seem to be missing. I get short bursts every now and then (mostly from my children), but then right back to blah.
No it's not detrimental. It's a good thing and good for him to see you get on with your life. Just be sure you are doing it for you. You will feel so much better and perhaps will finally be able to take all of this focus off of him.
Your old M is over. Any future R would be a new R.
"(I am positive that he knows where I am in all this). "
Then try to get to a different place. He will be able to feel the emotional demands and pressure regardless of whether you keep your mouth shut.
The focus needs to be on you and you building a HAPPY INDEPENDENT LIFE on your own. You need to be OK by yourself. Quit worrying about an M that does not exist anymore. Focus on yourself and your own happiness. Leave having him be part of your life out of the plan.
And try to keep in mind that he is emotionally abusive to you. You can't go back to that. You are saving your own life, and I hope teaching your daughter a lesson about what to do about abusive men.
I am in this boat with you Donna. Albeit your boat is less comfortable and taking on a bit more water. But we are side by side, OK. Week by week you are ahead of me so it is like looking into a crystal ball. I think what did Donna do at week #41! Really, you are doing great. Some folks cannot even make it to work. They have nervous break downs and you are going out, teaching others, thinking about the future and writing. Your writing is amazing. That thing you wrote about a life without color was pure poetry. I think at this point we are getting a bit numb to the emotional abuse and that is dangerous. We need to see that other people can offer us more at this point. Or just be OK being alone. I still believe in DBing. But I think the book works best in the absence of abuse.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Went to IC last night (what is it with Tuesdays, anyway?)
I had had a great day at work, only to come home to a terrible phone call--bff down the street called to tell me that her mother was dying.
She has been sick with lung cancer, but even up to the day before, the doctors had been telling everyone that she was going to make it, that the cancer was contained and that an operation to remove the tumors would be successful. Then they did a scan. The tumors had taken over, and pnuemonia has set in. She is on a respirator, and the prognosis has changed completely. My friend is devestated.
I went down to her house right away, told them that I would be there in whatever way they might need, even coming over to listen for the kids if they had to go back to the hospital suddenly.
Seems that she had spoken to H earlier in the day, and she didn't understand why I hadn't called her (he had called her to check in; we used to all be friends).
After I sent them back to the hospital and took her son home with me, I got on the phone with H. I don't think I have ever been so angry.
Did I have expectations? Yes. I even found out that he had time to call the CW with the news (she baked cookies and brownies, which bff threw out), but couldn't take the time to make sure that I had heard. I let him have it, all of it. So much of my anger about this, and all that he has done and become, came out.
We hung up on each other a few times (after one of which I smashed my phone against the tree and broke it); in the end, he ended up apologizing for being such a cold, heartless bastard. I got more justifications and excuses.
And of course, the damn conversation went right back again to how he doesn't love me anymore, is not coming home, and is in love with her. Please, don't ask me how it goes there, as I really don't even know anymore. He wants to "salvage what is left," be friends and calm his guilt. Tough sh!t.
I was late to IC. We went through it all again. And the realization that we might really be over is starting to settle in. The thought scares the hell out of me, and makes me have such a profound feeling of sadness, disappointment and hopelessness.
I have to get to work; will try to write again later.
