If you're quoting Connie from the movie "Oscar," you r00l.
(Corri) So you think HD can be differentiated without being compassionate?
If you define compassion as a state of mind, then yes. If you define compassion via actions, then I think there's little difference.
Compassion seems to be, "I know something about this OP which makes me believe I understand where their bad actions (as perceived by me) are understandable. Therefore, I don't take their bad actions personally because I see that their source is not based solely in the interactions between the OP and me. I can address their bad actions without seeing them as a bad person because I believe I know and can sympathize with what's driving their bad actions."
Differentiation seems to be, "I respect this OP because I know that they're not me. They see the world differently from how I see it and that's okay with me. Therefore, I don't take their bad actions personally because I see that their source is within that separate person and are not reflective of me. I can address their bad actions without seeing them as a bad person because I accept that they are Other."
Compassion is a poor man's differentiation.
I say that because compassion seems to carry a connotation of permission and even obligation. If you have compassion for somebody you have a certain amount of permission to indulge their bad actions. You may, in fact, even have a certain amount of obligation to indulge their bad actions, since their actions aren't really their fault. If you're wanting to indulge another's bad actions, compassion is a siren's call.
Differentiation requires you to make a choice and own that choice completely. No permission or obligation to indulge the OP; if you indulge them it's because you chose to. Which is fine...you get to be you. You don't, however, get to say, "I put up with her because she had a rough childhood and she ran off with the milkman anyway." You put up with her because you wanted to. What she did is nothing more or less than what she did. The first part of that quoted sentence has nothing to do with the second part.
Otoh, differentiation gives you permission to make boundaries that are about *you*. Certain actions you'll accept and others you won't. You don't know why the OP does what they do so you have no need or desire to be vindictive. You simply react to what they do and offer them the opportunity, the choice, to change their actions toward you.
I always wonder when people say that differentiation seems cold to them. Why is that? Do those people believe that if totally left to their own devices, they would be cold? Would they not be kind or generous or (dare I say?) compassionate out of their own nature? Are they cold unless they have an external reason to be warm?
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