Oh H...here we are again. Nothing ever changes. So, now it is time for me to let you go.
I know I said some terrible things to you. Some I regret. Some I do not. The fact is, you needed to hear those things so that you can truly see what you have become.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are suffering from depression of sorts. I'm sure of it. But it's more than that. It's also about you not knowing how to behave appropriately. Not knowing how to make the right choices in the face of your unhappiness.
It seems like you want to act one way, but you are driven to act another. Then you lie to cover it up. That is not right. That is how a child behaves... one who doesn't know better.
You are 33. You are ruining your life. You are alienating those who love you. I have tried to support you... to encourage you... to love you... to make you happy... and more. But my actions have no impact on how you choose to behave and how you choose to treat me or anyone else.
Do I believe there is a good person in there? Yes. Do I believe you can overcome this? That's up to you. You have the power to, but do you want to? That's the question. And I cannot be part of it anymore. I cannot allow anymore deceit or infidelity or just pain selfish, childish behavior.
Being a husband and a father carries a great responsibility, one that clearly you are not prepared to handle at this time. It requires unselfish acts... making responsible, morally whole decisions, even if it doesn't give you pleasure.
It breaks my heart seeing what you have become.
I wish you could turn to God. He will listen, if you let Him. He will hear your cries for help, if you choose to lean on Him. But without Him guiding you, I am afraid you will continue a life of guilty pleasures and sinful behavior. And you will never truly be happy if you continue this way.
I cannot save you. And apparently, I cannot help you either. Only you can help you. And it's time for me to step away and live my life away from the turmoil that you continue to create.
I'm sorry if my words hurt you. I don't ever intend to hurt you. I just find it so difficult to get through to you. And I've invested so much in you and in our marriage, to just see it come to this. It angers me and saddens me and it breaks my heart into pieces.
The kids and I deserve to have a full-time husband and father... one who can be a positive role model of honorable behavior. One who we can count on. We do not deserve to be victims your selfish acts.
I pray for you every day and I will continue to pray for you. I pray that you can open your eyes and your heart. It is not until you can take a good honest look at yourself that you will begin to heal. I know it's difficult to do, because it means facing things you don't want to face. But it's a critical part of your journey - if your journey is to find the happiness and goodness that lies deep within you. And when you can do that, you can begin to repair and make amends and be the person you were put on this earth to be. But only you can do this.
There is a passage in the bible that gets me through the hard times. Maybe it can help you.
Jeremiah 29:11 & 12 - For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
I just felt I needed to share these feelings... that I will no longer tolerate this, but that I love him and believe he has the power to make a change in his life.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS I have been thinking a lot about you, and prayng for your sitch. I think your H is in denial [not in the 6 stages sense]. He simply doesn't appear to realise that if you say you are going to spend teh night in a hotel, and then spend it elsewhere, and you are found out, that being asked to explain is perfectly reasonable. By turning you into the accuser he is exhbiting classic passive agressive behaviou, that then, in his mind, helps to justify the unjustifiable.
Personally I would have written a shorter letter, and focused more on how you feel, and less on what he is doing, but it is always difficult to know what works for other people.
But you are right, we cannot fix these broken people. Recent posts from Hope and others show just how broken they are.
I left the note for H last night. I haven't spoken to him since. He slept downstairs, then early this morning he left for Las Vegas. I did say goodbye to him.
Angelica, I was actually trying to focus less on me and more on him so that perhaps he can realize some things about himself. Maybe it sunk in, maybe it didn't. But either way, it was things I felt I needed to say.
I'm still feeling good about my decision. However, I had a few sad moments today. I know to expect them and to ride them. I just hope I'm strong enough to resist the next time he makes me false promises.
I feel better yesterday and today than I've felt in weeks. But I do miss him a little.
H wasn't ready to commit to this M. Maybe he never will. I'm not waiting around for him to wake up. If he wakes up one day, well that's a different story. But for now, I need to assume he won't and get on with my life.
That's how I feel today.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS - good for you. You have gone through a lot, and your h seems stuck. Clearly he needs to sort himelf out. No-one can live in a web of lies and deception. This is time out- it took courage to make this decision.
PS, More huggggs to you. I know that you haven't had an easy time of it. You are so ahead of your H with relationship stuff, purpose in life, and emotions, and want your H to " get it" already, that it's driving a wedge between the two of you. Let go and let him figure things out. I still believe he can do this with the right motivation and direction.
Have a good day.
xo, RJ ( yes, I changed my name again...don't ask!)
Angelica, RJ, Lissie and Mrs, Thanks for your kind words. I'm still doing okay today. I have a lot more peace without him around.
What I am struggling with right now is telling him no when he comes back from his trip making some sort of excuses and empty promises. I haven't yet said no when he's done that. I've always tried to see something new in his promises. And in the end, nothing ever ended up changing.
So, for now my plan is to have him move out. Then give it some time before I file. I feel like I can only handle one thing at a time right now. And I don't know what my job situation will be come January. I may not have one. So, I'd rather not make any legal decisions until then.
My H seems to have no soul.
He comes back from Vegas on Thursday. I'm not looking forward to it.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
