Yesterday (while out of town) I got a long email saying he's been reading online how other people "in [my] situation" deal and realized some of the things he's been saying and doing that sound "adult" and "logical" probably don't sound that way to me.
He said he's decided the basement apartment isn't a good idea, so if it's okay with me he'll keep sleeping in the kids' room and keep all "personal" stuff out of the house. Said "when the time comes" he'll need his own place to sleep. [Not sure what that means---here or elsewhere?]
Said he doesn't see any rush to "dissolve the marriage," wants to keep the house with me and the kids in it, continue our savings goals, and remodel the house. Says re finances he's committed to providing "at the same or higher level" for me, doesn't want to remarry, let alone start a new family. Wrote "The three of you are still my family---as weird as that may sound to you."
Thanked me for "not making a scene," calling names, or laying guilt trips, said I'm incredibly strong and he's happy to see that fear doesn't drive what I do [ha!], and that I'm the best mother he could hope for for our kids.
And the effect this all had on me? Made me feel more than ever that he's not changing his mind. It's weird, the more he seems to come back from space and see how all this might look like from my side, the sadder I feel. When he was out there, I could kind of laugh at it and see him as a total alien, but now he seems to be coming around but _still_ being totally done.
Had my last session with DB counselor (Dottie) today, which was really uplifting. She pointed out that I'm still jumping way too far ahead instead of staying in the moment, that I'm making all kinds of assumptions (re the basement apartment, for one), and that I'm not getting a D tomorrow. She helped me work out some things I can do to show H my biggest 180---taking down the walls and allowing myself to be vulnerable---even in the midst of all this, and I hadn't been able to see that possibility before. She reminded me that since this is one of my goals for myself, I can't lose; even though it seems like the worst possible time to make that leap, it's really the best possible time, maybe the only lifeline I've got.
So I'm feeling more relaxed now, keeping my brain in the here and now and not spending my time in the tunnel of horror that I imagine the future to be. And if H is beginning to see how this looks from my POV, maybe that's not a bad thing.
Oh, and Dottie told me that I should allow myself to tell H how I'm feeling, even cry if I want to, all in the service of being vulnerable. (No begging or pleading, of course, and she told me to keep it brief.)
It occurs to me that when H says there's nothing to fix in our R, "it is what it is" and he just doesn't want it, first off I hear "I just want a different person," which he hasn't (yet) said, and secondly, he's saying he doesn't believe I can change. He knows me, doesn't want to be with me, and that's that. Of course I can change, and I'm working on showing him that. But I realized I'd been thinking he just doesn't want me, no matter what I do or how much I change, and neither one of us yet knows whether or not that's true.
So I'm going to make myself available to talk when H wants to, not be afraid of telling him how I'm feeling, and tell him clearly what I want. I don't want to work with him to decide whom to tell and what; this situation is his decision and he'll have decide what to do about telling ("his") people.
