thanks, all. mk, I like jennifer garner, at least from interviews I've read. I haven't watched any shows she's in, but she seems like a decent, down to earth person. what a lovely thing to say about her mom! I hope my kids take some good stuff from me. I know I did from my mom, even though we are so different in other ways.
S_O_T_S, thanks for that. trying not to lose sight of what is important. and no, I'm not spiraling into hopelessness...more like greatly afraid of hopefulness. scared of believing there might be a chance again. terrified of going thru the hurt if/when it all falls down around my ears again. that is one of the reasons I need to be careful about those blinders you talked about. I won't go there, but it hurts so because I already see myself reading more into what is going on than is really there.
I do appreciate you fixing my typo, btw. wish it was easy to say your words rather than my own.
as for health issues, I was the person who was at the gyn the week I found out about the affair for every test out there. trust me, my health is important to me. and honestly, for a variety of reasons, the only bc we have used in a long time is condoms. (he was supposed to go get snipped (his choice) but he hasn't yet).
enough about him. after I picked up S5 from school and fed the kids a quickie lunch, we headed off to the farm store and picked up some mums and mini pumpkins and some other stuff. my lunch, I'm mortified to say, consisted of an apple cider donut and part of a caramel apple. not exactly healthy today now am I? yikes. well, I suppose the caramel apple was at least mostly fruit. and it had peanuts on it, so some protein. hmmmm...lets see if I can rationalize the donut? okay, not so much. but it was all yummy and I also bought lots of good fruits and veggies so will make up for it the rest of the day.
off to finish decorating. oh, and I have the perfect example of cutting off my nose to spite my face. for every valentines day since we were back in the boston area, my h has sent me the most stunning roses from our favorite florist. they come in a gorgeous vase, very tall, trumpet shaped, stunning, unusual. I reuse these vases over and over for other arrangements throught the years. particularly for these really pretty fall stems I have (fake, but they look really pretty, from pottery barn). after the affair bomb dropped and I found out he had also sent her roses from the same florist, I took all 3 vases and threw them in the garbage...never wanted to see them again. and now I regret it...I have nothing that will fit the pb stems. arrggggghhh. yeah, I know I can go buy a new vase, but they were so pretty in that one. blech.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I have a spare minute...back from D3's dance class, the kids had dinner and are mellowing to blues clues before bed. big day tomorrow, the twins start preschool. and back to therapy with me...yay!
in spite of that enthusiastic and heartfelt yay, I find myself brooding. playing back all the ways h has hurt me over the last 6 months...the lies he's so easily told, the games played, the carelessless in which he has treated me and our relationship. I keep thinking of all the ways he fought to keep her...the things he did to keep her from dumping him. and the fact that I was willing to settle for the smallest hints that he might still want me.
damn, just melancholy tonight, I guess.
I guess I want to know, is there really any chance for saving a marriage after what ours has gone thru? the affair was bad, and I think if things had been able to be worked out earlier on, before the lies and deceit built upon each other, maybe then there would have been a chance. but thinking back to all that I have seen and all the ways he has treated me, and I being foolish to think he could ever be an honest, upright man again? that our marriage could ever be something good again?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
"in spite of that enthusiastic and heartfelt yay, I find myself brooding. playing back all the ways h has hurt me over the last 6 months...the lies he's so easily told, the games played, the carelessless in which he has treated me and our relationship. I keep thinking of all the ways he fought to keep her...the things he did to keep her from dumping him. and the fact that I was willing to settle for the smallest hints that he might still want me."
OK, how did you get into my brain and type that out?!??? Scary, morgan scary. I feel the same way.........
"I guess I want to know, is there really any chance for saving a marriage after what ours has gone thru? the affair was bad, and I think if things had been able to be worked out earlier on, before the lies and deceit built upon each other, maybe then there would have been a chance. but thinking back to all that I have seen and all the ways he has treated me, and I being foolish to think he could ever be an honest, upright man again? that our marriage could ever be something good again?"
OK, again. Stop it. Really now.
Back to YOU: First day o' preschool and therapy!? A fresh new day for everyone. I am glad you are getting back to it, I really am.
I wish I could see your house and get inspirations/ideas from you. I want to have a 'warm' fall, a warm home, and a nice holiday, no matter what drama is going on around me.
thanks for the solidarity, lwb. I sometimes wonder if I get into these funks to try to hold myself back. its just so hard sometimes.
but I'm going to keep on keepin' on. its all I can do. and I guess there is a part of me that hopes if H does want back into my life, back into our marriage, that he will show me at least the effort he put into saving his affair with her. but maybe it won't be like that, if it does happen, maybe it will be different. but somehow seeing how little effort it takes for me to hope, to want him, it just makes me feel...cheap.
thanks for the wishes for tomorrow. its a big day, and I'm a little worried about S3 and how he'll do. fingers crossed all will be okay.
my house is coming along. Its a work in progress. get lots of inspiration from just being in new england (wow, is this place the place to be in autumn!). used to love browsing thru Martha stuff and pottery barn stuff. go forth and decorate, and have fun with it. nice to exercise a little creativity. and I find it good to do in light of my current situation, kind of like re-arranging furniture or organizing everything.
when all else fails, just add candles. lol. pictures of the kids in fall scenes and candles on your mantel can be a simple, pretty way to seasonalize your home.
speaking of candles, I think I am the only woman in america who hates scented candles, so all of mine are unscented. what's funny is H LOVES scented candles, so I envision he and OW in their home together surrounded by chem-scents wafting thru the air off of candles. h, sprawled out, saying, finaally! lol.
Last edited by morgan; 09/10/0711:52 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
cheap....and second rate....and last choice....and lots of other things. That's how I feel and don't know how to get past those feelings. And the person that made me feel this way? This is the person I am supposed to work it out with?? UGH
lmfao at the candles!!! Then he'll realize that morgan hated these for good reason, they stink.
they stink and give me a headache. I figure she probably has air fresheners, too. blech.
sorry you feel the same way, but again, nice to not be alone. but we are worth so much more, aren't we? and we will demand they are more than they have shown us. and they were already so much less for ow than they ever were to us...we got their best. to the ow, they were always liars and cheaters.
I was just relaxing on the couch and I just realized, I don't know how to light a fire in the fireplace. I need to learn. can't be that difficult. I need to remind myself that its a good thing, even if I'm alone, to light a fire, to light some candles, to just relax and enjoy those things. I may miss someone to snuggle, but hey, I can pour a glass of wine, put on some music and still have a nice evening.
Last edited by morgan; 09/11/0712:30 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I can't help but reflect on 9/11. Amazing that it was 6 years ago - it's one of the few events in my life that I remember practically every moment of as clearly as if it was yesterday.
I've been sitting and thinking about what happened, about how so many lives changed forever.
I am tempted to get angry at H, at how casually he has thrown away our lives together, how poorly he has treated me. I want to yell and scream at him, I want to throw things at him.
but then I think of all of the people who lost their lives, or lost their loved ones, on this day, and I realize how petty I sound. if my husband no longer loving me is the worst tragedy I should ever face, well, I am damned lucky. I am. so instead of continuing to wallow, I'm going to give thanks for the love I do have in my life. I know I say that from time to time. I think I did even earlier today. I need to tatoo it on my brain, so every time I get into these funks I remember just how good I have it.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Wow morgan, that is so true. My friend at work has breast cancer and she is very ill. I saw her today, brave, bald head, baseball cap....it caused me to raise my head a bit and realize the same thing you did. Life could be so much worse. My neighbors buried their 2 yr old last year (God God NO!), so yes, things can be so much worse.
Funks are easy to get in though, but hey, its a roller coaster and we are coming to terms with things. Its hard.
PS: Lighting a fire is easy. Buy one of those cool helper logs, place real logs above it, light the helper log and you're good. BUT OPEN THE FLUME FIRST
