well let's see....put kids to bed..was looking forward to doing nothing more than sitting on the couch w h and falling asleep...sitting by the fire...h on phone with fil then mil...h comes to fireplace says...so I get to talk to c (used full name of c) tommorow...aks the directions again..then I realize his apt is not til wed..remind him of that..he says doh! would have known as it's in the sched..so I say since you brought it up...where's your head? h says...look LL, I'm committed to trying to make this work...I just get frustrated some times...went on to say that he's still trying to find inner piece...
really didn't say a whole lot...
yes I should be celebrating the fact that he says he's committed to trying to make this work..
honestly...I could have done without the "look LL," and I could have done without the "exasparated" tone (i said it was neg..h says it was exasparated) he used...just seemed so damn negative...like I'm doing this because I have to...I don't want to...but I will...
anyway..so I am now frustrated...don't really feel much like cuddling on the couch with my h...want to go out...or just wait til he falls asleep there on the couch (wich should be by the time I return to that room) and go up to bed myself.
I am going to the lawyer tommorow...I will not be persuaded into taking any action that I don't feel needed. I am not doing this to push h into anything...if he wants to be married and do the work he can..if he doesn't he is more than free to go...
I don't know what it is h is seeking...we all have a certain amount of inner piece that we are searching for in this horrid world of ours..but I don't expect that my marriage is a reason for my lack of inner piece...it is simply an itch.
h said...it used to be so easy...I asked if he meant when he was a kid? h said no...not even refering to his teen years or his twenties...I don't know to what time h is refering.
h cannot tell me the things that I do that frustrate him..but to tell me that the fact that I want to be in his head does..gee h if I didn't feel there was a need to question your feelings I wouldn't need to be in your head..if you'd volunteer something of yourself once in a while maybe I wouldn't want to go there.
I know h will never be as expressive as me...(hell most people aren't) I know h will never talk as much as I do..or understand feelings and people like I do...I wouldn't expect him or anyone else to...all I want is for h to let me know him as I let him know me.
I don't know....h is frustrated and can't tell me why..it frustrates me and that also frustrates h...when will the circle ever end...or should it just end...h eventually has to broaden his world to that of "life" and not just the work world...he started to do that but it was with ow and not me...he took that to mean he was not to be with me..but came back because of a type of love he did have for me...I don't think that love will be enough...I am not an old woman...I do not live in 1950...I live now...and I want to share and be shared with.
