Actually, the people to whom I refer are not in my inner circle and have no direct effect on me. So no, I don't think it's about 'needing to push aside the needs of the others so I can keep mine it sight'. What I think it *is* about is what Corri said. I realize that I have been unable to split apart "compassion" and "tolerance". Like if I admit they may have valid reasons for feeling/acting as they do, I have no choice as a good person other than to accept their sh*t. Truly, not so, eh?
The last part, I don't understand you at all. To ignore the deleterious effects of reenacting past hurts in the current relationship strikes me as delusional.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
The last part, I don't understand you at all. To ignore the deleterious effects of reenacting past hurts in the current relationship strikes me as delusional.
It more than likely is... and logically considering delusion is an oxymoron. You can't see what you can't see. To blame a blind man for not having the ability to see is as delusional in and of itself.
Compassion allows you to recognize that another can't see. And perhaps help them learn Braille.
The last part, I don't understand you at all. To ignore the deleterious effects of reenacting past hurts in the current relationship strikes me as delusional.
Maybe I didn’t understand your post. When I say “I’ve heard this too as an excuse to not become vulnerable and to maintain walls…. Just another deflection” I am thinking about people who use the excuse “If you beat the crap out of me because your father beat you, it's not about me, but I'm still just as bloody” as a reason to not open up. To me they are acknowledging the other person’s issues but still use that person's aggressiveness as an excuse to stay behind their defenses (which doesn't mean they should expose themselves to physical harm). That’s all I was getting at.
(Corri) Compassion is an element of differentiation. Not the only element.
Hypothetical case A: Hairdog is a nondifferentiated person who is compassionate toward MsHD in the manner Cobra suggests.
Hypothetical case B: Hairdog is nearly ideally differentiated.
How is Hairdog's behavior toward MsHD different in case A vs. case B in regards to The Great Boob Grabbing Caper (TGBGC)?
I don't know; I'm asking. At the moment, I'm just interested in the practical application of compassion and differentiation, not so much in the how the two play together in a bigger sense.
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For those of us locked in fusion, becoming more selfish allows us to function in a healthier way. Some of Schnarch's examples of differentiation, to me, sound like too much of a good thing. Years ago, we coined the term compassionate differentiation, or Schnarch with a Heart, and I have felt that's a good model to follow.
LOL Corri ( and true). TGBGC2 was not an act of differentiation, nor an act of compassion. It served as the catalyst for Hairdog's talk with his W, which was a move toward both diff and comp.
Compassion:sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it
Empathy:the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this
Sympathy:the act or capacity of entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another b : the feeling or mental state brought about by such sensitivity
Differentiation as briefly defined by Schnarch is the ability to maintain both individuality and emotional connection. Fusion is emotional connection without individuality.
I think the "desire to alleviate it" component of compassion clearly makes it different from differentiation. I think a differentiated person would be empathetic and then make a choice regarding any action to alleviate distress. Simple example being mother choosing whether to leave crying baby in crib. She may feel deep empathy with the babies distress but freely choose to let the baby cry itself to sleep or vice versa but she won't think "the baby made me walk it across the floor for two hours" if she is making a free choice to do so.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
So you are saying that the highest form of differentiation is choosing to be compassionate. But I just don't think of compassion as something to be chosen. It's just sort of there. Choosing compassion sounds kind of cold to me. ( then again, I am pretty sure I am overly fused with my kids).
