Trying to get WAW back

[DaveJ]

Well, watched the kids this morning. W had to go to the doctor to check out a thyroid cyst. That turned out to be nothing. However, the doctor think she may have polycystic ovarian whatever. Supposedly it could make her feel very tired, have an impossible time to lose weight, and be depressed among other things. Plus the W's blood pressure is sky high now due to stress and anxiety and she's already on blood pressure medication and depression medication. Very worried about her. Hope the doctor can do something for her and get that polycystic stuff under control. She works her butt off and can't lose weight and then she gets down. Here's hoping that it can get taken cared of and she can see some progress and be more positive.

S4 said to me today "Daddy, please stay home. I miss you". Man that kills. *sigh* Gotta hang in there w/ the W. At least the W said "we will get through this" with a smile today. I'm happy that she's being somewhat positive in light of all this.

[Atlas]

DaveJ,

Sorry about the kids having a rough time. My S is 2 and half and having a horrible time. He acts out at daycare, when he stays with me he sits and cries on the stairs at night or by the window waiting for mommy. He will wake up upset in the middle of the night, and he does the same at her place. It breaks my heart, I'm sorry your dealing with it as well.

My W has seen it a few times at her place and asked about it, she began to just bawl. So I don't think they know, and when I tried to tell her she said I was manipulating. You have to wait for the clarity to hit them.

[DaveJ]

Thanks Atlas. Yeah I'll let my W sort it out. No point in telling her cuz it just makes her think I'm trying to guilt trip her into something. I figure if every time I have a fun visit w/ the kids, it'll just make them miss me more. Nothing I can do about the W. I have to focus on the kids and make sure they are ok. So far my S4 is just saying things. He has not been exhibiting any bad behaviors yet that's resulted from the S. So for W she thinks he's ok and will adjust. Whatever....

[DaveJ]

Ok. I did pretty good most of the week. Had a really bad day yesterday. Real bad anxiety about being separated from the kids if a divorce happens. Couldn't control it. Slipped big time in regards to talking about R. Got W really mad. In the end we both calmed down. She understands that it's a struggle for me and I can slip but I'm trying really hard. Just asked me to look more in myself for strength since she can't provide any support for me right now (i.e. not get mad when I slip and be encouraging when I'm struggling, like how I give words of encouragement to her for her struggles). Going to focus on not slipping at all next week. I really need to work on being emotionally detached from W. This has been extremely difficult for me. Especially when the W looks so #@@#$ hot every time I go see the kids. The W seems to making baby steps progress in regards to herself. She started working out yesterday morning. That's a very positive step for her since she's been down since the S and letting herself go. I told her I'm really happy for her that she is making great progress towards working on herself.

She is no longer struggling with missing me. Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. I'm happy she isn't struggling. I'm not so happy that she isn't missing me. According to her it's probably just her missing a companion and not necessarily me. Ouch! Of course they'll justify anything right now to make them feel independent. Ah well....detach detach detach!

[DaveJ]

And a quick question regarding meds. When does one need those? Are the occasional anxiety I'm feeling normal due to the situation and shall pass with time and and effort on my part or do I need help? Are there anything one can take just to suppress those occasional anxiety and it doesn't make one sleepy? Just wondering if I should go see a doctor about it or it's just a time thing....

[kristy1584]

Dave, about the meds. I was going through the terrible anxiety and I havent really been able to eat when I do I get sick. I called to make an appointment with my Dr they said nothing was available until October so I spoke with her rather than going in she recommended I be put on Cymbalta its an anti-depressant and it helps with relieving anxiety. I think you should definately talk to your Dr. medication didnt seem logical to me but it really does help to calm you. Good luck!!

M-22
H-24
M- 3 yrs (sept 18)
S- Aug 1, 2007 (he moved out)

[Dom R]

Hi again Dave,


Sorry if the following sounds a bit harsh. I'm writing with a sense of urgency, because I really dont want your family to suffer through a divorce. or even a long separation. It is a horrible thing to do to your children.
I think that now, is another pivotal point for you to make a decision.
Please keep that in mind if you read the rest of this post.

Ok. I did pretty good most of the week. Had a really bad day yesterday. Real bad anxiety about being separated from the kids if a divorce happens.

The best way to handle anxiety, aka fear, is to have a plan.

The rest of this post, is an attempt to rationally look at possibilities, and then suggest possible plans for you.


First, and to me most likely, possibility:
I'm guessing that your wife is getting herself in shape, so that she can date other men. Now that you've left the house, she is probably feeling the freedom that she can do that. This is why she made the comment that she's not missing YOU.. she's missing "companionship". She's now going to go get herself some "companionship".

She claims she "hasnt figured out if that's what she's missing".
I think the translation of this is, she hasnt yet figured out if she's going to REALLY go out looking for a date. She hasnt "crossed that line" yet.

SO, you still have a teeny tiny amount of time to possibly change your own behaviour, to give her an incentive to do otherwise.
You may choose to just stand back, and watch her go ahead and do so.
That is certainly a choice you could make. Before you make that choice, though... again, you should sit down and rationally analyze the facts

Go read agent99's thread. Her husband moved out, basically so that he could try out dating other people. She was being great to him, but he was being a schmuck and still wondering if "he could do better".
He realized that he had a good thing, and seems to be in the process of coming back, after dating a few people.

YOU, unfortunately, are in a very different situation.
Your wife has been "dropping bombs" on you for a long time now, according to your sig line. She's been looking to get out of your marriage for quite a while now. She wants out. and she wants out, specifically because she is unhappy with you and your marriage.
Is that a fair assessment?
If so... what kind of incentive does she have to invite you back?

My guess is that there is a high probability that she's looking to make this separation a trial run, for how things will be like if she finally pulls the trigger and divorces.
She isnt doing ANYTHING that indicates she is honestly even considering reconciliation with you. That's why you have such high levels of anxiety: becuase you can sense that.
Am I correct?

I'm guessing that she is currently convinced that divorce is where she wants to go, and it is "best" for your children. That's why she made the comment, reguarding your son,
"she thinks he's ok and will adjust."

You previously argued that if you didnt get out when she told you to, she would divorce you.

let's rationally analyze the facts we have at hand.
Has she given you any sign whatsoever, (by her actions, not just some strategic words to get you off her back), that she does NOT intend to divorce you right now?
In contrast, has she given you any sign that she DOES intend to divorce you?
(I'd say yes: preparing your son to "adjust" to living separately... getting herself in shape, now that you are no longer around to benefit from it... any others?)


--------------------------------------------------------------

plan 1

You wrote a few days ago,

S4 said to me today "Daddy, please stay home. I miss you".

My advice to you is: listen to your son. Move back in to YOUR HOME.

I know that this seems to be almost crazy right now. Yet the problem is.. the longer you wait to do this, the more difficult it will be to move back.

Right now, you have a plausible "excuse" for moving back: your son has been begging you to move back, and stay in your home with him.
You can honestly say, that you didnt fully realize how difficult this separation would be on your children (or yourself!) and that you now believe the right thing to do is for you to move back in.

This situation will be incredibly difficult.
But none of the other choices you have in front of you are particular "easy" either.

I think you could avoid getting into fights while living with her.. by simply shutting your mouth. literally. Smile at her. but dont bring ANYTHING up. Speak only when spoken to. or when it is absolutely required for you to ask her a question about something immediately relevant to your family.
She will probably try to start fights with you. But the thing is, it takes two to fight. You have the power to not "engage" with her in fights.
If you want suggestions on how to deal with that, then post about it, and I'm sure you will get some help in that area.


plan 2
If you are not going to take care of your children that way, then another potential plan, would be to give your wife a real taste of what she is looking for.
Figure out a custody schedule, and then stop going to see her. Be with your children instead.

This would accomplish multiple things:

1. It would stop you from getting into arguments with her, since you'd be around her less
2. it would focus your time with your children to be on them, rather than her
3. it would give her a more accurate view of what being divorced would be like. Presuming you actually DO want part-time custody of your children. If you dont, then you should mention this, because it changes things a lot.


-----------------------------------------

The final plan choice that I can see for you would be:
Keep doing exactly what you are doing, stay out of your wife's way, and let her keep your children and your house.
Do you really plan to just stay out of the way until your wife has gone dating for a while, and then hope that she will decide to choose you, instead of her new interest?

Compare and contrast: in agent99's situation, her husband ENJOYED spending time with her. he decided to stop dating other people, because he enjoyed spending time with her more than spending time with other women that he dated.
Does your wife enjoy spending time with you? If not, then it seems illogical that she's going to choose coming back to you in the same way.

I would suggest you choose a different plan.

[Sara]

I agree with Dom, Dave. Your wife is not emotionally stable enough to drive the car the family is in. You need to take the wheel.

[DaveJ]

Dom, thanks for your thoughts. I know she isn't getting in shape to date other men. She already looks #@#$% good to me. There is no reason for her to do that. She is doing it to make herself feel better. She has a very distorted image of herself. I want her to be happy and confident when she deals with us. If she's down in the gutter she'll never have confidence in facing our problems. As I said, there is no reason for her to go through the separation and allow time for us both to work on ourselves if it's a divorce she wants. She was adamantly done in August. She could've done it back then if that's what she wants. If she wants to prepare my son then she could've just told him we are separated. She didn't have to insist we lie to him and tell him I'm at work. We aren't telling him the truth is because we feel that this is temporary hopefully.

If I claim I'll move back in, I would be getting restraining orders and divorce papers. Not even a remote possibility. She said she will give us a chance once she straightens out her own problems. I am willing to stand by her and get her through this part and then deal with the consequences.

Right now my W doesn't want to spend time with me. She wants space. She'll get space. I'll deal with whatever comes once she get herself straightened out. She feels like she needs to deal with her problems on her own and I can respect that. She fought with it for 15 years and it ain't going to be easy to beat it now. At least I am happy she's finally going to face it.

We made ground rules for this separation. There will be no dating of other people. I trust my W that she will not do that. After all, if there's no trust then why would we even bother with this M.

[DaveJ]

Sara, there's absolutely nothing I can do right now except to give her space. Believe me she will file for D if I push her in any way. I just need to give her some time to work through some of her issues so she can be stable. She seems to making progress and that's good.