Quoting MAL: I was just wondering the same thing, but Jethro put it into words so well
Me three. Why does your friend say not to have sex with him? Personally, I would respond to his advances...but then again, it's been a while for me . What I meant was if I were you, I would respond to him. He's reaching out, in his way, and don't you want to encourage that? You are the first to admit that he doesn't speak your language. Maybe he feels that you don't respond to his. It is a two way street! I say go for it, and have a great time on behalf of all of us who ain't gettin any!
Quote: You are the first to admit that he doesn't speak your language. Maybe he feels that you don't respond to his.
that's not his language it's mine...it's his language only when he's horny! I am the one who sits every day wanting to be touched wanting to be kissed..held etc...h doesn't need it til he needs it...I was always begging for it...begging...I was always denied...denied...rejected...cried..hurt...humiliated...etc.
If I simply want "sex" I can take care of myself...and have sex with any man out there...(let's not forget LL was asked to coffe after only being in a book store for 20 min..15 min after walking into a bar was asked to play darts...LL can get a piece whenever she wants) I don't want h to simply want me when he wants some...I want h to want me because he wants to be near ME!!! the person that I am..not because I am a looker...but because he wants to be close to me. and right now...I don't know if that is where h's advances are comming from!!
LL, honestly, I feel very much the same way as you. Like you, my W and I met when she was 15 and I was 16. The first couple of years were great, but then after that...until today, most of the R work has been done by me. I've been the "rock," so to speak, thoughout the years, while she's done the funky WA stuff. Heck, she was a WA(G)irlfriend when we were 18, then came back after a year and went WAW on me in 2001. Should've had a clue when I was 18. But you know what, I think you pretty much summed it all up, as follows:
Quote: I will allow h to make his attempt to change his ways...I do see some small changes but there is a lot of growth that needs to occur in this man...
I've been waiting for so long that starting over with someone new would be just the same as what is happening here...
My point is that everyone has evolved here. You've never been happy with your R, and you really realized this by your H having an EA (possible PA). He has not really evolved, but now, maybe with all of this crap going on, he's going to. Maybe the "shift" is beginning only now, LL.
I think of our R's like a building. Years ago we built our R with our Ses, but we built it on a poor foundation. So, the frame of the house is crooked, the windows tilt slightly, the floor creaks and the attic leaks. When there's a heavy rain or earthquake, the house is damaged, but can never totally be repaired because it's built on a poor foundation. So, what to do? Well, we tear down the old house and rebuild a new one on top of the lot we already own. We need to begin with the foundation, but this time, we need to make sure everything is level and plumb.
So, my point? Jethro-Vila says we simply need to rebuild a new foundation for which to base our new R on. There's little choice...and I think your H may be trying to fulfill some of the needs you have mentioned to him. Sex may just be the beginning...then comes the intimacy. Thing is, and I never ever thought it was this way, but I think men feel more intimacy than women when having sex. He just might think that you feel the same way he does...especially when it's something you asked for...
ok then here's my current decision..giving in without giving in completely...he does after all know that "that" means something to me...and though it's meaning is there for me...right now I don't know if it's there for him...thing is...he doesn't need "that" to be pleased....
ugh!!! life is to friggen complicated...now I know why so many people don't bother to get married anymore...it's a pain in the a$$... but then I suppose if h put about half as much effort in to the r as I have over the years...well that's me just blaming him again...(well [censored] why can't I blame him )
I dunno...guess he's gonna be a little squirmy this evening...I didn't let him know that the lawyer appointment has been delayed due layers being needed in court...
my new policy...well on most things...don't ask..don't tell..
not the way I want to be and I'm sure if things don't progress there will be another blow up...but is the way it has to be for now.
LL who knows that if h really tried it could work...but doesn't know if he will really try or tr just enough to satiate me for a bit.
Quoting lostlove:LL can get a piece whenever she wants
LL, seriously, and not to invalidate your feelings, does that sound like anger and frustration to you? If so, does it make it harder when your H started trying?
As I was catching up some of the earlier posts, I think jethro made a good point that "absence" (in any form) makes the heart grow fonder. Your absence in working on M did have an impact on your H. As you also pointed out clearly, that is no solution, as any libido on your H's body is doomed to die as he seems to be a low-libido person; it takes mutual commitment and connection to ensure your mutual satisfaction in the R.
I don't have an answer, besides deep sympathy with your H as I heard the similar complaints from my W as you did. The only thing I realized now is that it is not necessarily just because of the physical characteristics so your H had "low libido problem". It has much more phychological side of it. There is not going to be a quick fix, but it takes the effort of you two to address the root problems and reestablish connections.
I feel for you, LL.
Chuck
P.S., I am proposing a party at my place in one of the coming weekends. Check it out in the Fun forum...
I honestly wish my X and I had had your problems in the bedroom. She completely closed the door on me (one might argue deservedly so). With you and your H it sounds like your "timing" is a bit off. Highly recommend counseling (where intimacy is high on the agenda) because I see two people who can work through this and come out laughing
h must be doing some thinking...he called and said he wouldn't be home til 5 or 6 was going to get the truck cleaned...and then would chop some wood...when I looke outside aroun 4 h was already out there...it is now 6 h has been out there chopping wood since...
we have plenty of wood that he chopped last year that we are burning now...he spent alot of time chopping wood when he first came home...is there a need for him to be out there chopping wood when it's 32 out??? it's not like this wood will be able to burn this year??
just think it's an odd thing to be doing...but then men are odd aren't they..
just seems to remind me of the months before he left...he'd hang out in the horshoe pit tossing shoes by himself for hours...
we'll see what this evening brings. I think he's comming in now.
LL, just checking on to say hi, your h sounds confused and maybe c will be good for him. He might be able to get off his chest some feelings that he can't with you..a good c can help him deal with his feelings. Hope your night is good!! Sue
had a nice evening...though after I put dd to bed...h was playing in basement with son..I decided to rest a bit on the couch...h came up and tried once again to be physical...I said later...so h put son to bed...lit a fire and had a beer...I went for some wine..h said that'll wake you up..so we ended up downstairs at the bar talking...talking about one of my girlfriends who's been having r trouble and h aked if she had called back...from talking about her I was able to talk about us...used the love bank analogy...compaired it for him to understand by talking about his employees...one who simply shows up on time and does soley what is required and leaves when the shift is over...will be treated well but not given as much in return as the employee who goes the extra step showing that he is vested in the business...h at first didn't get it but the more examples I gave I think he understood... the friends issue is that they don't do enough together...simply spending sunday together isn't enough..can carry you through to maybe wed but by then resentment is starting to build...
also talked a bit about ow and how keeping her as a customer is not productive...that each time he comes accross her bill..does work at her house or on her street he will be pulled back into that place...asked him how he felt when plowing her driveway..(supposedly he didn't actually see her just plowed the drive) h admitted it was hard but is his job...h knows it makes things difficult..we'll see what choice he makes on it.
I do think that part of what happend over the past weeks does have a correlation to his plowing her driveway...the distance seemed to grow after the storms..
I may have talked to much about her...in trying to get h to see her for what she is...seems like he's a bit closer to understanding but not there yet...
I don't know what the rest of the week will bring but we'll see...this am I have been hugged so it appears it wasn't just a horny thang...
. What I meant was if I were you, I would respond to him. He's reaching out, in his way, and don't you want to encourage that? You are the first to admit that he doesn't speak your language. Maybe he feels that you don't respond to his. It is a two way street! I say go for it, and have a great time on behalf of all of us who ain't gettin any!
But you know what, I think you pretty much summed it all up, as follows:
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