I'm sorry... I think you are missing what Cobra is saying. And 'expectations' that anything will get better or worse, is projection, in my opinion. I expect things to get better? Well... what is better, and according to whom? And what if I don't agree with your expectations? You kind of get stuck in a power struggle right there, I think.
I don't think Cobra would ever call ANYONE a poor dear, she's just a scared little girl. Yeesh. No. What he is saying, I think, is to try and fathom the hurt someone is or has experienced... and really try to feel it.... fear and trauma are not small things. And they go deep, and the impact of it can last and affect behaviors in all kinds of funky ways.
It does NOT excuse poor behavior. Not at all. I just think compassion allows the spouse to NOT personalize what, on the surface, can seem and feel, very personal.
