I guess the thing is because sex has been a problem in our r for far too long..and yes I did have a ridiculous libido..or maybe it wasn't my libido..it was the fact that every other boy/man wanted to be sexual with me..so why didn't my man?? why didn't he make an advance...and why did he reject mine...
yes I do want "sex" I do want cuddling...I want it all!!!
but what I am realizing (and actually realized long ago) that I want more..I want an intimate relationship...and that I don't know if I ever had with h...or maybe I was intimate but he wasn't
I will remind you that I was 16 when I met h..h was 19...I wrote h alot of little cute notes...and also wrote letters and stuff..h has saved every one of them...they are in a bag. when I discovered ow..I spent some time reading them..and realized this r has been on edge since shortly after it began. though some of the notes are mushy and what not..alot of them are me trying to express myself because h either wouldn't let me talk on the phone or left...
I went looking for one I wrote that wasn't angry or mean ..and honestly none of them were...actually they all seem to be me..pathetically bashing myself and the person I am...talking to him like he's some saviour to me...always appologizing..and explaining..I'm sorry I yelled but I wasn't being allowed to talk..anytime I start to say anything you cut me off.
I am realizing that though over the years...I did a lot of yelling...I am not a yeller...I try to talk and h cuts me off...raises his voice slightly..uses a demeaning know it all attitude and I get annoyed...I now stop myself from letting things build but have found myself having to stop him.
honestly looking back..(ya ya whatever waw) this r has sucked for years...many years...actually one of the letters I found was from 1990...uhm hello we met in 89. we've never gotten it right...I've been willing to change...been asking him to let me know how he feels...when he's angry...what bothers him etc...throughout our entire r. reading all these books has not been an enlightenment they have simply been a validation of what I already thought. (sheesh the money I could have made...but who the hell would have listend to a 16 year old girl)
I don't know if h is capable of changing...I've been asking for what I want...for years..in words..in writing...with tears...with anger...with open honesty...with rational..etc..
it's all there...proof in writing..to me it shows I actually have been doing the work...to h it shows...see I never really did love you did I.
I will allow h to make his attempt to change his ways...I do see some small changes but there is a lot of growth that needs to occur in this man...will he grow in my direction or will I simply be the pathetic little girl that stood by his side helping him through life so he can share it with someone else??? will that matter to me in the end...sad to say no...I've been waiting for so long that starting over with someone new would be just the same as what is happening here...yes there is a life..there are some memories of fun and all that stuff...but was there ever an actual mental emotional connection???? I don't think so...I tried to nurture it...tried to build it..but h didn't he just accepted me but never gave himself.
