Tucson or Bust, part 3

[Kettricken]

Hairdog, I think there's a difference between rendering up an apology when *you* see the need to apologize and when *your partner* wants you to apologize.

In this case, you saw the need to apologize because you more-or-less deliberately did something you agreed not to do. Fair enough, and good for you.

That's completely different from when your partner expects/demands an apology from you for (say) defending a boundary/standing your ground. To produce an insincere apology under those circumstances just to placate them/keep the peace is both inauthentic and counterproductive and usually leads to massive resentment on your part because you allowed them to pressure you into letting *yourself* down. As an alternative to such bogus apologies, that's when "You felt threatened and disrespected. That was not my intent." or like statements can come in useful. IMHO.

FWIW, it does tweak my radar that she is still defending her turf so vigorously by her "victim" and "damaging to the relationship" comments. But the fact that you were able to (sounds like) have a calm and extensive discussion must be a plus.

Cobra, I don't think it's any more helpful to view his wife as "a vulnerable child who wants and needs compassion" than it is to view her as "a cold hard enemy". Both are just constructs, projections. Mrs. HD is a mature, complex, successful professional woman with, apparently, lots of bad habits and baggage in her emotional life. To infantilize her may be a shortcut to compassion ... but it's ultimately disrespectful to her, IMHO.