Okay. I appreciate the mini-2x4s Whapu, Girl and Cat. I really do. And Whapu--thanks for the verification on the downloading site issue. He swore to me last night (after I posted) that he was telling the truth, and I decided to believe him.
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I guess YOU need to know AUD that you forgive because of YOU not him. When you release the BLAME you release the weight of burden. If you tilt your head to the side you might see he is being "caring"...like it really does matter to him how you feel.
I DO forgive him. I guess I kind of got stuck in my dismay and lost sight of that. The whole idea of "the best predictor of future behavior is past action" keeps popping up in my head. I think holding that thought in front of me like a shield is not likely to create a safe/inviting environment for H to hold on to.
You're right--if H betrayed me again, it's his hands that would be dirty, not mine. I have worried that if he did, I would be responsible because to some degree I allowed it, because I was aware of the past...if that makes any sense. But why should I spend time fretting about what could happen? It's an ANT. (Are you tired of that yet Cat? )
I realize that he is showing me in his own ways that he cares about how I feel. He has put off his work trip again (he was talking about leaving a couple weeks ago), but will most likely leave this weekend. He asked me if I will fly down to meet him...he knows I am not comfortable with his traveling alone, and I appreciate the invitation. So the ANT that worries about who he could spend alone time with before/after I go there will be dying an ignominious death. HYAH!
So, I'll just get more busy with my chief ANTeater--the one I send out to stomp those pesky thoughts: I enjoy a happy, fulfilling marriage to a loving, faithful, worthy man.
)