I honestly think your H is trying to reach out to you. I sometimes wonder if you miss it at times because you my have certain expectations or your own ideas of what it should be like, look like, sound like for him to reach out to you. I think I sometimes miss my H's efforts at times due to my own expectations that don't always match up with what my H does.
Quote: h did mention my ring..
he hates that I don't wear my ring...he will not take his off because it does mean something to him...he understands why I wont wear mine..it does not make him happy that I go out without a ring..he does not like to look at my hand and not see it there...it is something that he thinks about...(again pointing out to me that he is not oblivious)
he hasn't asked me to put it back on because he hasn't found the right time or the right way.
LL, I think your h may have been asking you to put your ring back on. He was asking without asking. When he says he hasn't asked you to put it back on because he hasn't found the right time or the right way, sounds to me like he thinks he can't do it the way he thinks you would think is the right time or right way.
Quote: I have said (here anyway and possibly to him) that I would be happy if he even said it angrily.."why don't you put your ring back on" but I wouldn't be happy with that now would I...I do want him to propose...in some fashion..with a new ring (yes I've hinted that a nice little ruby would be nice) or with the original one.
This sounds like there is a lot of expectation (not that you don't deserve it to be that way), and maybe he feels he just can't live up to that. Maybe it really is just too much for him. Maybe he feels you view it as "you left me, you had an EA, the only way to get me back to wearing my rings is to "ask" "propose", "beg", I deserve at least that after what you've done to me." Maybe that is intimidating to him. I'm not saying this is what you are doing, just that it is a possibility that he views it that way.
When he said he hadn't asked due to the right time or right way, maybe you could have helped him along by saying something like "H, would you like me to put them back on? Would that mean something to you?" Maybe he would say yes and maybe then you could.
Would it really have to be some big gesture like a proposal for you to be satisfied? Just think about it and see if you could be happy just simply knowing he wants you to be wearing them.
I have a feeling your H does feel very guilty as well as inadequate and unworthy of you. Maybe by continually reminding him that you will and can forgive will be helpful. He may not feel "safe" in that aspect yet. A lot of the problem is probably just him and how he feels about himself.
Maybe he does feel unworthy and that is difficult to overcome. Perhaps he always has felt that way? Did he grow up feeling like he could never please his parents? I only ask because a lot of how you describe him seems very similar to my H. My H needs to feel worthy and very approved of. He grew up with a lot of expectations that he just could not meet and therefore he was given much disapproval. Then he married me, and I've come to realize I was a person with many expectations as well (not that they were unjustified ones). I think that it was hard on H, and probably a lot of what led to the A. H was trying to escape expectations. (not saying it was my fault)
I will always remember back when H didn't think we could make it or stay together after his A. His biggest reason for thinking that was, and I quote him "I just really don't think you'll ever be able to forgive me, and I just can't imagine living my life like that" So I really had to reassure him that I could and would forgive him.
One other thing I think or at least believe is true for my h, and correct me if any of you men think I'm wrong for this general statement.....I think that sex is the way men connect. I think that could be your H's way of being close to you. I know that you need to have another type of closeness and that sex alone won't cut it, but it could be helpful. You can't help but to promote good feelings about someone, when you touch and careess and "get pleasure" It's good for the mind and body. Just a thought. I think it has bee a good way for my H and I to connect and to stay close even though in the last couple years we had seldom been connecting by "discussing" things, we are now moving towards that.
Oops, sorry didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Just wanted to give you my .01 cent worth (not sure it was worth .02 cents)
Hang in there a little longer LL, I think good things could be around the corner.
