My husband is derelict in every duty he has as a parent. He has forced me to be the only one that holds my daughter accountable for ANYTHING, from being a smartmouth to her schoolwork. He does nothing and yet sits there bitching about all he has to do. She is not his priority and he is allowing her to do whatever the flip she wants to do and that is coming to an end one way or the other.
She has zero organizational skills - didn't have all of her school supplies A WEEK AFTER school started, missed the second day of school because she could not make a choice as to what to wear when the original plan didn't pan out. She can barely finish a sentence before she starts a new one. She is hyperactive and she hasn't always been that way. I told Jeff over the weekend for instance that she couldn't do an essay while sitting on the backporch with the music blaring and him cutting grass or sitting there talking. I said that's the reason she's a scatterbrain, there IS TOO MUCH BULLSHIT going on all the time!
They have until Interims to show me something or I will file for specific visitation, which will instigate mediation, thus forcing him into parenting classes, etc...
I have had all I intend to watch of that man setting my daughter up to fail in life because he can't belly up and be a friggin MAN.
All of the years I have spent teaching her, directing her, instilling things in her have gone to hell in a handbasket in a matter of 9 months.
She is so far up her Dad's ass and just enjoying doing whatever the hell she wants to do that she now hates me because 9 times out of 10, seeing mom means ending up in a fight.
I have gotten myself a list of counselors from my insurance company today because I need help. Eventually, I'll bring D11 into counseling with me. For now, I have to go alone because I can't function anymore like this.
H is just gonna have to kiss my ass. I can not help him anyway and I am seriously concerned that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown if I continue trying to walk this line of not offending him and yet handling her behavior appropriately. It just can not be done. God knows I have tried. My resentment is growing tremendously and I am afraid I am going to snap. It is affecting my son too, at this point.
I really wonder just how freakin' long he thought I was going to let this go on?
Well, he'd better pull something out of his ass within the next 3 weeks or we'll be playing a whole new ballgame because I am 100% prepared to let my family become a part of the "system" now as opposed to waiting til my daughter becomes delinquent.
I don't really need to be smacked around for my position if that's what you're thinking, dry-heat. I have spent the better part of the last 2 weeks quietly seeking the answers I need as far as how to handle this. I dealt with my husband face to face on the matter yesterday and you know what? It's a huge pain in his ass to talk about D11's school and behavioral issues. He can't handle it. Won't listen. He just wants her to take care of it and then when she can't because of lack of guidance, he will drink his beers and spend 30 minutes berating her. He is treating her the way he used to treat me and I saw it with my own two eyes this weekend. And I'll tell you something else, too. She has become his enabler. She now makes excuses for him. She sits there with him bitching, and I see the look on her face. She's just waiting for this storm to pass so she can play again. I REMEMBER how that felt prior to my own MLC. He hasn't changed AT ALL.
So stew all you want but if blasting me is your intent, you are beating a dead horse. My husband will not respond to my faith in him, my hope, my tears, her failures or frustrations or even his own conscience and don't think for one minute it's not killing me realize that because it most certainly is.
Thinking of you and sending you and your family my thoughts.
I am proud of you for being a great mom, even if it doesn't feel like the outcome speaks to that.
Great moms step up and save their kids from disaster even if it means they lose much in the process. Great parents face their kids, even if it means their kids hate them. Great parents care about what happens to their kids - that they become well-rounded, responsible, accountable, respectable, healthy strong adults.
I know this b/c my parents are the same way, and I thank God each day for that. Even when my M fell apart, the first thing they said was "what did YOU did in this." Not one day did they let me wallow in my pity, reminding me of all I had and should be achieving. They reminded me each day of my potential, and how the biggest sin was to waste that, and how I owed them and myself nothing less than the best.
If you wonder what the ramifications of being the "nice & easy" parent is....let me describe my H's parents. They sit in fear of ever being blamed for his actions or his brothers. They will help their kids point the finger of blame in every direction but to them or their kids. They enable them to feel like victims of their own actions. My H is falling apart and they won't do a thing, as long as he is not comign to them for help or blaming them. They don't care what he turns out like, or to help him. It's too tough to face their own transgressions, and he's not worth it to them. To me, that is abuse.
Thank you for that post, Always. I know that if I don't make a very bold - and for me, DB-killing move, my daughter WILL one day look at me and ask "...and WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?".
I intend to be able to say I was right there every god-forsaken step of the way until I knew she was going to be okay and could make it on her own.
No blasting coming from here, AmyC. I was just trying to think of ways to try to keep this from being a resentment buiding exercise, which I know might not be possible. I agree that he isn't doing what he should, the only thing I would say is that the reason isn't personal, it's that he doesn't have a clue how, so he's messing it up greatly. And at some level he probably feels guilt for the situation, and he thinks he SHOULD know what to do and how to do it, and he doesn't want to admit he doesn't (the good old pride thing), so he does what he knows. And it doesn't work. And it could very well be that the course you've plotted out is the best way to make things work.
Anyway, what I was trying to stew on was if there was any way to diffuse the resentment and bitterness. There's plenty of that in my house, and I know it is a poison. I just haven't figured out how to deal with it. So if I could somehow come up with any useful suggestions for you, maybe I could look in the mirror and use them on myself.
Enough, for now. I'll get out a 2x4 when you go nutty, but that's not happening now!
always.... were we married to the same man.... or maybe I had the brother :/.... your description fits to a tee.
Amy,
Girl my heart goes out to you in a mighty way. Being "bad cop" is the crapiest of roles to have to be strapped to. I have been there for a long time and I truly feel your pain. There is however a silver lining, it's still about 10-12 years in the coming. Sucks having to live through it.... but knowing that the day will come that we are thanked for holding them accountable and responsible, adds some measure of comfort.
So grab your boots and prepare to wade through the BS... I'm sure there's a lot. Speaking of BS.... your H(oops... just kiddin) is either gonna cowboy up and face his own issues or he is not. That can not be your problem. Girl, your plate is quite full as it is. You can leave the door unlocked for reconciliation to happen at some point but I know that in your mind and in your heart you realize that can not truly take place until he comes to terms with his own demons. Amy.... placing the welfare of your children as top priority is something we can all agree on. The kids may balk .... but just keep in touch here. We support you 100%.
Hang in there toots... God's got your back!!!!
~lost
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
You trusted him with her, b/c you know that he loves her, and is a good man - he is a good father. He just doesn't have the same parenting skills now, and is not in good space to be that. He may in the future. You gave him the benefit b/c you saw the love he has for your D. You assumed he had the skills. That is natural, and I would think it was weird if you didn't.
I don't think stepping up and saving your D from herself is DB-killing. I think DBing is standing for what is right in your life, and doing it in a way that is acceptable to all. It never means that you compromise those things in life that mean a lot to you. I think it's the opposite.
Think of it this way. I think anyone would agree that a 11/12 year old girl with an unattentive dad is going to run loose. That's just what kids that age do. You are right to get her back in line.
Remember the times when you were in MLC, and raging at your H for doing things to save the house (after the storm), and other times....he didn't back down to you. He kept on doing what was right....taking care of teh family and home.
You're doing that now. He will rage, and so will your D, but one day he will see that you did it for the greater good, and b/c you truly are a great mom and W and caretaker.
I don't have any daughters, but I can tell you from the (mean dad, bad cop, rule enforcer) side of things. Children/kids will respect boundaries, and consequences eventually. Where as disneyland dad/mom will be frowned upon and seen as weak later when they grow up. Consistancy is key!!!
I applaud any parent who looks past the initial hurt from an angry child in order to visualize an appropriate outcome.
"You might hate me now but you'll THANK me later"!
Amy, I too have had to be the mean one, don't worry about that. Stand your ground and even take the extra step to make sure this child is raised to the best of your abilities.
Maybe it's just me but I do like saying NO
But can I...NO
But plea...NO
Ple...NO
Dad...NO
and one more time you're gonna...
Get the picture, it's FUN!!!
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
just kiddin) is either gonna cowboy up and face his own issues or he is not. That can not be your problem. Girl, your plate is quite full as it is. You can leave the door unlocked for reconciliation to happen at some point but I know that in your mind and in your heart you realize that can not truly take place until he comes to terms with his own demons. Amy.... placing the welfare of your children as top priority is something we can all agree on. The kids may balk .... but just keep in touch here. We support you 100%.