so back to h maybe not feeling like I forgive him or rather not being able to forgive himself...over the summer before he came home...I did say to him once...I can forgive you if you can forgive yourself...h has not forgiven himself..some may say that is not important but in my eyes it is...if you can't forgive yourself...accept and understand your mistakes...you may be bound by guilt and prone to repeat...sorta the little ole woman who swallowed the fly..
so then last night I let h know that I have forgiven him..that he is not a dissapointment but a human...it is up to him to forgive himself..I don't want him to forever live with guilt and dissapointment in himself.
so then I thought perhaps it be best to use his own words..I gave him the card he gave me on our wedding night.
saying "I'm not showing you this to be sentimental...I'm showing you this so you can see what you wrote"
the card itself really doesn't matter but this is what he wrote in it..
LL, this is our new begining, a time to look forward with thoughts of hope + joy. the past with all its ups and downs can be looked at as learning experiences but not dwelled upon. we can do whatever we want and be whatever we want to be. lets move forward together and begin our endless journey. I love you LL, h
so the point of my giving him this was not to show him feelings or try to rekindle something but to show him in his own words..that we can move on and learn from what has happend if he is willing to do so.
anyway...h read it and said...deep.
that was that...he did kiss me before hand..but I didn't know how to accept it..did ask me to sit on the couch with him after so I did...did come to bed and "spoon" me...
I just fear...him trying to escape to the "sexual" route once again to get close to me..and that as we have learned is not the way.
