Oh, I do turn around sometimes and have a momentary lapse, like this is all some nightmare that I am going to wake up from. I need to remember the zen reference. And I would definitely move to another state if that's what it would take. He keeps saying that he will never live farther away than 5 minutes from his children...I may use that someday.
OK, so I was really down, last night into this morning. But spoke with a friend, and it seems to have passed. I am looking forward to having a good time today, and feel like I got some of those down feelings off of my chest for the time being.
I can also relate to being taken aback by this whole other life that H is experiencing--it is so bizarre.
He has said a few times things that really match with the DBing principals, and I have to focus and take them to heart.
1--My crying and desperation is very unattractive (actually said those words!, along with: Would I want to come home to this?)
2--The need for time and space; R talks just make him feel guilty
my h kept asking for time, too. not sure what that means...does he think you can put a hold on marriage you can with your gym membership? you can stop it, just for a while, while you scratch whatever itch you have?
especially with him telling you he is done, that must be confusing. my H has yet to say that to me...he just shows me in every possible way that he is.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Just stop it. Put the big red stop sign in your head and stop it.
By time and space, H means at least a YEAR of time and space that only starts AFTER you let go of him and get your own life so that you stop putting emotional demands on him.
What he means is that after that much REAL time and space, he thinks he might be able to tolerate your company.
NO ONE on the planet knows if either of you would be interested in rekindling a romantic R three years from now. NO ONE. NO ONE can know.
So, quit worrying about figuring out something that is epistemically inaccessible. Leave H alone. Your M is over. The future is unknowable. Live in the present.
Had a great time in the city Saturday. We saw: My Mother's Italian, My Father's Jewish, and I'm in Therapy. VERY funny, great seats for the one-man show.
Then, saw Naked Boys Singing. Front row. Guess what? They were all naked. And singing. One was especially built (we even saw him on the street after and got his autograph--I was tempted to slip him my number!)
At one point, one of the actors came over and asked my name, then noticed that I was showing a bit of cleavage (I said it was only fair...). He asked if I was uncomfortable talking to him while he was completely naked. No, not at all, I said.
He gave me a big smile as he walked away, giggling "Slut!"
Now, how often do you get to converse with a Broadway actor, from stage, during the show, and he announces good-humoredly that you are a slut :0)
We had a great time !!!!!
Also during the day, we shared plates at 2 different restaurants, one of which has Broadway-hopefuls / singer waiters and waitresses. Stopped for a cone from Mr. Softee. Got some squished pennies for the kids, along with some keychains for them from a souvioner (sp?) shop, and a sweatshirt and short-shorts for me.
I got to read the newspaper on the train on the way down, and trashy Cosmo on the way home.
All in all, a very good day.
***
All day Sunday I spent de-cluttering my house (thank you for the FlyLady tip, Nikki!!) I am SO proud of what I got done. The kitchen table is cleared of paperwork that has been building since...I think I found some junk mail from April? Set up files, cleared flat surfaces, etc. Paid my bills (all on time--yay, me!).
H was kind and brought the kiddos home closer to 6 than 7 (he knew that I missed them). We got all set up for the week ahead, and off to their own beds. They are wiped; not sure how well they sleep at H's.
Speaking of wiped, I am, too. Off to bed before I fall down--hope all are having a good night, friends.
donna, sounds like a great weekend! and hey, about naked boys singing, I actually know someone in the show. yep, I do. wonder if that's who you talked to? hmmm. oh, and the one I know, is even straight. (what are the chances???)
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I have to ask my friend if she can remember who called me a slut ;0)
It was a good weekend, although I still had my moments. Fri was a down afternoon (I really hated watching the kids get in my H's car and driving away), and I had a let-down when I got home Saturday. But in perspective, there were more up times than down.
Your naked guys singing reminds me of the show I saw a few years back. It was called the Puppetry of the Penis.
Yes, they were naked and yes, they played with their penis'. Comedy act that toured from Australia. I even have an autographed detailed picture book from the show!!
mk--I have no idea what that acronym is... hope you are still speaking highly of me :0)
OT, yeah, for the most part it was good. I just wish that the overarching, important "thing" in my life was where I want it to be. I can have a fun, filled life, but there is always something so...imperitive? essential? deep? (don't know the word) missing, that makes me so sad right after I have had a good time or experienced a good moment.
When you said that H will need at least a year to stand being around me--
is there anything I can do to shorten the time? I know, I am still trying to control the uncontrolable...but I miss him, and there is still so much that reminds me of what is not there--
I keep fluctuating between being dark to showing the desperation, trying to reason with someone who will not be reasoned with. I know that Trip is right, and I have to get back to the essential DB principles. When and if I am sure that I can, ANY contact has to be self-assured, calm and pleasant. And very brief. Polite, business acquaintences (sp?).
I have been thinking that this is what the covenent and social boundaries of marriage are for--to bounce unhappy spouses back into their M, have them work on it when there is no other choice. It makes both sides stronger and (hopefully) happier when they can overcome this horror. Somewhere along the way, our WS have decided that there is another option--I SO wish that we could both be looking at this without the D "security-blanket."
