Quote: but it is not that he sees himself as not being capable of doing these things in a r...it is that he sees himself not able to do these things with ME.
At least he's capable, LL, which has been a concern of yours. So, now he has to make the decision and the commitment to really work on YOUR R. As you well know, this is no different than many others on the BB. Many of the WASes that come back feel this exact same way about the OP, or don't feel a certain way about their Ses.
Can you not approach him and say, "If you're really trying to work on things, and I mean really trying to work things out, then the first thing you need is information about people in our situation so you can see that we're not alone. Then you need information on how to overcome what we have gone through. There's hope. It's not easy, but it's definitely possible."
I know he seems apathetic, LL, and you're getting tired having pretty much reached your limit. And I agree that for your R to work, then he has to work on these things, and work on them with you. If he's ready to go to C, will he be ready to take this step?
In terms of my last post, I was simply trying to point out a possible dynamic. Over the years some things that were originally not too important in our R become very important...either because we never got "that" something from our S, or that our feelings have simply evolved and we feel we require it. If, over the years, you have told your H that you've been unsatisfied with your R because of this and that, then he might feel as though there's nothing he can do to fix things, as you will never be happy. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just that it "is." If this is the case in your sitch, then maybe if you changed that dynamic, wiped the slate clean of all expectations, then it would be easier for both of you...
And yes, you should have expectations in a healthy R. But we know when piecing we have to be happy with what we get and try not to get down because our expectations are not being met. I am completely guilty of this myself.
Quote: maybe though he says it him and not me...it is infact me..there is nothing I am doing that he doesn't like...he feels loved..he just doesn't feel like his love is being appreciated? he's not good enough for me?? etc.
LL - looks like you have his Love Language(s) down pretty well but he still hasn't gotten the clue as to yours? I think that you have been blindingly obvious to him - giving him the right clues - but somewhere in H's brain there is a disconnect. Possibly this is something that you can bring up in a C session with him. Maybe getting "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman could be very instructive for your H.
Does H feel that he's not good enough for you? That he doesn't deserve you? Shame is a very big millstone to hang around one's neck. Maybe reminding H that you do forgive him - not forget, not condone, but heartfelt forgiveness - could be the way to get H to shed that shame - that you have no intention of "keeping score."
When do you have the first C session set for him (or the two of you)?
Quote: When do you have the first C session set for him (or the two of you)?
his session unfortunately is not til next wednesday...
you touched on something that makes me feel guilty...the other night when he was talking about the fact that he wasn't honest with me..and that he's dissapointed in himself and will have to live with that forever...I should have piped in with an I forgive you...but was letting him talk.
I suppose just as I need constant reminder from him that he's sorry...he probably needs constant reasurance from me that I forgive him.
damn!!! the balance...where is it??? too bad we aren't tv sets.
If you want to keep your marriage together, get rid of your attorney and TRUST GOD! I did and the healing has helped me and is rebuilding the relationship w/my wife.
Quote: If you want to keep your marriage together, get rid of your attorney and TRUST GOD! I did and the healing has helped me and is rebuilding the relationship w/my wife.
Quoting lostlove: </font><blockquote><font class="small">Quote:</font><hr /> If you want to keep your marriage together, get rid of your attorney and TRUST GOD! I did and the healing has helped me and is rebuilding the relationship w/my wife.
you know not to whom you speek
LL No I don't but I know a God who can heal and restore marriages no matter what mankind may say . . .
Quoting lostlove: but it is not that he sees himself as not being capable of doing these things in a r...it is that he sees himself not able to do these things with ME..
and I go back to:
Quoting lostlove in a previous post:
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...expressed last night and other times that he thought that was what being a good h and father was about..but is realizing it is not..he wants to be there for the kids..realizes that simply being here is not enough for them...they need interaction as do I. that even though it is enough for him to just be here it is not for them [ (sic) ... and you. ]
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I didn't mean to imply that he wasn't capable of doing the "right" things in an R, but that he is overwelmed by HIS belief that he may not have it in him to give enough back to the ones that love him so, which is what makes him feel inadaquate and undeserving of the amount of love/kindness directed towards him. Not directed just at you or OW vs. LL, but he feels this way about his children as well.
I'm so glad to hear he has a C session set up for next Wednesday. I hope he can feel safe enough to take that time to explore his feelings and learn how to express them.
Going back to my post. I don't think I expressed what I meant very well.
From what I'm reading, you are hurting that your husband was able to be a certain way with the other woman, and you want him to put in at least the same effort in your relationship.
What I'm trying to say, is that I suspect it's easier to put in the kind of effort with someone new. Someone with whom you don't have a history.
It's easier to become the person you want to be with someone who doesn't have a preconcieved notion of who you are.
I'm still not sure I'm explaining this clearly, so let me attempt an analogy.
Imagine someone (person A) who was clumsy when they were young. They grow up, outgrow that clumsiness and make great strides in their life.
Yet, whenever they get around a friend (person B) from their younger days, who still sees them as the clumsy adolescent they used to be, Person A become clumsy again. They can't understand why, they conquered this clumsiness years ago..but they feel locked into that role.
Perhaps that's the problem your husband is facing now? He feels locked into a certain role with you?
Does that make any sense?
Please understand I'm not trying to say you have done anything wrong, I'm just throwing out an idea that might help you!
so back to h maybe not feeling like I forgive him or rather not being able to forgive himself...over the summer before he came home...I did say to him once...I can forgive you if you can forgive yourself...h has not forgiven himself..some may say that is not important but in my eyes it is...if you can't forgive yourself...accept and understand your mistakes...you may be bound by guilt and prone to repeat...sorta the little ole woman who swallowed the fly..
so then last night I let h know that I have forgiven him..that he is not a dissapointment but a human...it is up to him to forgive himself..I don't want him to forever live with guilt and dissapointment in himself.
so then I thought perhaps it be best to use his own words..I gave him the card he gave me on our wedding night.
saying "I'm not showing you this to be sentimental...I'm showing you this so you can see what you wrote"
the card itself really doesn't matter but this is what he wrote in it..
LL, this is our new begining, a time to look forward with thoughts of hope + joy. the past with all its ups and downs can be looked at as learning experiences but not dwelled upon. we can do whatever we want and be whatever we want to be. lets move forward together and begin our endless journey. I love you LL, h
so the point of my giving him this was not to show him feelings or try to rekindle something but to show him in his own words..that we can move on and learn from what has happend if he is willing to do so.
anyway...h read it and said...deep.
that was that...he did kiss me before hand..but I didn't know how to accept it..did ask me to sit on the couch with him after so I did...did come to bed and "spoon" me...
I just fear...him trying to escape to the "sexual" route once again to get close to me..and that as we have learned is not the way.
