Can someone plleeeease help me? I don't even know if I'm in the right forum or how to post right. I'm in a totally backwards situation. I just found out about DB and it makes sense. My situation is unique because the W (newly weds for 8 months) says she has never felt love except for once in our very short engagement, but we are catholic and she is committed to marriage so no divorce. But living like this is HELL. She has severe depression and past sexaul issues, and she hates herself, how she looks, and says she doesn't feel love period. WHere do I even begin to go from there? I am probably the most sensitive, affectionate, old-fashioned, lovers, but nothing seems to work. How can someone tell you they feel nothing for you and just turn their back on you in bed? I profess my love, do everything, and basically baby her. I think codependence on my part. Am I driving her away with too much smothering? I'm just dizzy at this point. Every time I think it's going good, I'll spend a day in hell trying to make her happy like a child, granting her anything she wants. Then she'll get all mopey dopey at the end of what any other woman would view as the perfect day of being catered too, and says she's not good enough for me, and I should be with another woman, to which I reply, "Of course not, you are my equal, I love you and God picked us for each other and I'll never leave you."
I don't understand how to implement DB methods in this instance. She says she doesn't love me and I am doing all the things an ideal husband should be doing, so am I supposed to stop doing all the loving things and ignore her to make her somehow love me. It would seem counterproductive.
She's not threatening to walk out, and reassures me, but she always mentions she wants the happy cloud feeling she had with A-holes from the past, even though she knows they were horrible to her. To me it's like the classic case of self-hatred, self-loathing (there are eating disorders, too); like she's locking off being able to love and feel love.
help. Top #1194614 - 50 minutes 36 seconds ago Re: Tucson or Bust, part 3 [Re: jimmybean] jimmybean Junior Member
Registered: 09/10/07 Posts: 3 Oh. Forgot to mention the fact that I have been a jerk about sex in the past. It was a little disconcerting to discover that all the talk about crazy sex after marriage was a fizzle. Basically, it fizzled even on the honeymoon night. I went through my bad stage of basically being like, look, I need this and it's not healthy that you don't want it, and I want to pleasure you the best way, etc. I mean, I can still do like 4 hours of foreplay, without sex even wanted and she'll turn around or just pop out of bed. It got better since I learned to not ask, beg, etc, but it's kind of a disgusting feeling to think you are making progress after great sex and cuddling and sharing and then still be told on various occasions, "I'm really praying that God allows me to feel love for you." So basically, all the love-making was one-sided. I don't think she doesn't feel love. I think she denies herself to feel and acknowlege it and happy moments and memories.
My wife definitely needs therapy to deal with issues, and I tell her I will help and we could get counseling, but I'm smart enough to know I can't continue to sign her up for everyhting, make appointments she never keeps or follows up on. I want to support her but she has to want help as much as I do. Am I wrong for thinking that, or should I be making her appointments and guiding her through?
I'm just drained. It seems like I have become a live-in spiritual guru, trainer, motivator, therapist, and court jester, plastic model husband. Everything except for a lover. I make hot lunches for her breaks at work and bring them, and she says she loves me coming and looks forward to that as the highlight of her day (she works evening shift). Do I need to ease back on these everyday expected visits and nice-ities, making dinner, massages, etc? Note, she is an awesome wife as far as cleaning and doing bills and laundry; she's OCD. I don't have a problem or think there's a problem and life is great until she starts cutting herself down, telling me she shouldn't be with me, I deserve better, saying how fat she is (she's a stick), how she is worthless, can't give me the love I deserve, etc. I mean, at a certain point, I start feeling guilty because I'm thinking, 'Darn. Maybe you're right!" SHe's her own worst fan.
