Sorry I haven't had a chance to keep up with your sitch.... but it looks like you have lots of great advice.
Did the phone records indicate he's still talking with her? It could mean he's trying to disconnect from her "without hurting her." Sometimes they do that. And sometimes disconnecting from the OW can be a long process. Oddly they can feel guilty about leaving them or having "used them." I know the logic is crazy... like what about us? But it's kind of like how sometimes we treat friends kinder and more respectfully then family or spouses. There's a sort of saving face or wanting to "look good." It's not about the OP, but about the image they've created to that OP and not wanting to lose that or look bad. OP is like a mirror. They like how they see themselves in OP.
When my H indicated a desire to reconcile I didn't ask for full disclosure or letters of apology to my family (even though my dad thinks I'm a complete idiot for staying with my H). I think the letter-writing might be a little humiliating for some WAS. I know my husband would feel that way. Now, I'm trying to imagine if the tables were turned, could I do that? How would I feel about my husband asking me to write letters of apology to his parents? I'm not sure if I'd even want to do that... and I'm a profuse apologizer! No ego there!!!
The disclosure thing can be really tricky too. Unfortunately not everyone can share details easily. You might have seen a recent thread I had asking about how much information one needs to heal. I feel like I need lots, but my husband has never been great about sharing information and details in his life.
Before my husband came back I had only a few requirements. Of course, my situation was a little different in spite of some similarities.... 1) He had to REALLY want to be with me and the kids and have his family back. 2) He had to accept me as I am. He had to be happy with me, the marriage and the family as it was. I might not change in whatever way he wanted. I'd certainly try to make him happy and always work with him on that... but I am who I am and if it's not good enough DON'T come back!!! (there had always been an issue of him never being "happy" with me and things just never being "good enough"). 3) If he came back this time he couldn't leave again until the last child was out of the house. For our youngest child's sake he'd need to try and make the best of it no matter what. Even if he decided he was unhappy again. I didn't want to hurt the children any more. They had already gone through too much yo-yoing in the past and this damage, in time, was apparent to both of us.
I figured by the time the last one was grown (my children are older than yours) that would give us both enough time to see if we could heal, create a strong friendship, good marriage and maybe even want to continue being married beyond the empty nest.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
