Oh. Forgot to mention the fact that I have been a jerk about sex in the past. It was a little disconcerting to discover that all the talk about crazy sex after marriage was a fizzle. Basically, it fizzled even on the honeymoon night. I went through my bad stage of basically being like, look, I need this and it's not healthy that you don't want it, and I want to pleasure you the best way, etc. I mean, I can still do like 4 hours of foreplay, without sex even wanted and she'll turn around or just pop out of bed. It got better since I learned to not ask, beg, etc, but it's kind of a disgusting feeling to think you are making progress after great sex and cuddling and sharing and then still be told on various occasions, "I'm really praying that God allows me to feel love for you." So basically, all the love-making was one-sided. I don't think she doesn't feel love. I think she denies herself to feel and acknowlege it and happy moments and memories.
My wife definitely needs therapy to deal with issues, and I tell her I will help and we could get counseling, but I'm smart enough to know I can't continue to sign her up for everyhting, make appointments she never keeps or follows up on. I want to support her but she has to want help as much as I do. Am I wrong for thinking that, or should I be making her appointments and guiding her through?
I'm just drained. It seems like I have become a live-in spiritual guru, trainer, motivator, therapist, and court jester, plastic model husband. Everything except for a lover. I make hot lunches for her breaks at work and bring them, and she says she loves me coming and looks forward to that as the highlight of her day (she works evening shift). Do I need to ease back on these everyday expected visits and nice-ities, making dinner, massages, etc? Note, she is an awesome wife as far as cleaning and doing bills and laundry; she's OCD. I don't have a problem or think there's a problem and life is great until she starts cutting herself down, telling me she shouldn't be with me, I deserve better, saying how fat she is (she's a stick), how she is worthless, can't give me the love I deserve, etc. I mean, at a certain point, I start feeling guilty because I'm thinking, 'Darn. Maybe you're right!" SHe's her own worst fan.
