in a sense I knew things would happen this way...when h came home (or during the time he was trying to come home) the majority of our interaction was physical...there were a few initial emotinal or rational conversations and from there it just moved to physical...I made mention of it to h many times...probably in the wrong manner...(how can I believe you weren't physical with ow if you can't seem to keep your hands off me...I would like for you to treat this r with the same respect..not that I don't want to be with you etc...h's response..I can't help it this is the way I react to you) well that was short lived..dwindled as the days and weeks went on because the reall issues (the lack of sex had been one of them for me anyway) were not being addressed. if h's relationship with ow..was not physical then it was not a physical r that he was craving but an emotional one...h was having a physical r with me..but leaving the emotional parts uncared for most of the time.
strangly h went from.."I'm enjoying the time were spending together and find myself wanting to run for more" it wasn't all about sex by seemed to always be there...even the second night that he planned to come to see "me" I purposefully wore sweats and didn't do much to make myself look good..we played a game of darts and didn't get to finish because h couldn't keep from kissing me..
how did a man go from following me around the house...wanting me to be next to him...holding me..etc..turn to this man who just doesn't know if he can be with me...who sleeps on the couch...who walks around me..who doesn't want to touch me in anyway..other than that obligatory peck when he leaves for work and maybe when he returns home??
it is not that h is not capable of these things...he is...he just doesn't know if he is capable of these things with me...and doesn't know why.
h has no complaints about my mothering skills...infact thinks I am a great mother..
h has no complaints about my wife skills infact thinks I'm an excellent wife..(think that refers to the fact that I cook, clean, take care of him and everyone else including myself)
when h does decide to talk about issues...we can communicate and the conversations sometimes last for hours...yes there are times we disagree...but we manage to get our points across and resolve things.
the issue is the "us" I don't want any more than your average person...I don't want to be doted on...I want a participatory r with someone...to be a friend to have a friend...to laugh and have fun...to share...to be able to touch and be touched (to not feel a fear of rejection)
I don't know if there is any hope for bringing those feelings back to h. there is no doubt in my mind or his that he loves me...the question is for him anyway and now for me is can he fall in love with me...
he gets frustrated because when he does talk about how he feels (mind you it's still not direct) he see's my frustration...how can I not be frustrated?? I don't get mad or angry or even say anything for that matter...he just knows.
I don't know...hell I don't even know if I'm in love with him...I didn't think it mattered at this point...knew I loved him and that was enough...now I question his feelings just as he does..and it causes me to question my own for him...
with two people who question this in love crap (and I do mean crap) how can they possibly get anywhere...
h is not an ignorant emotionless man...he just wants to be in love...he wants that feeling..that spark..that tingle..etc. I used to think I wanted that to but I grew up a long time ago and realized it was a part of love but not what it's all about..that if you want it to stay you have to work at it and I have been working at it for about 10 years. did I always feel like working at it..no but I did. how did I learn or know at that age that it takes work..well you see...I didn't grow up in suburbia like h..where people just stayed married unhappily doing nothing about it...I lived in the city where you either did what you needed to do or you got off the pot...sad to say that many of my friends were busy visiting their fathers on sundays but I learned the reality of r's then..and also by watching my parents...now my parents may have ended up divorced but they did work on the r..his parents probably will always be together but they might as well not be...they don't work on the r..both just wait for the other to change...
so then...h does know what he saw and experience growing up this way...but does realize that now things are different (well now for him not for me has always been my reality guess that's something you loose when you go for the white picket fence life) and that you do have to work on it...but for some reason....doesn't have the drive to??
this is not an answer that he will find...no light bulb will go off...the only one that did was to realize that he did love me..and that no matter where he'd be or who he'd be with, the kids and I would always come first...therefore he couldn't give himself to anyone else fully and that wouldn't be fair..so...
but then if he realizes this...what is keeping himself from giving himself to me (please don't attack that phrase I hope you know what I mean) it's the return of favor (even as h put it) I do for him..please him...speak his language etc..why is it so hard for h to speak mine..I'd tend to think it takes more effort to cook and clean for someone..to wash and fold their laundry..to get along with their sometimes difficult family (hey he sometimes just walks away from them...I don't) etc..than it would to give someone a hug..or play a game of card or darts or something like that.
what is in his way??? he doesn't know..."it's" just not there???
