There and Back, #5

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

Where to start?

How about here?

I am the stupidest freaking person on the face of the earth. I am. its all smoke and mirrors and I am a fool.

I think I see a typo in this sentence. Mind if I fix it for you?

Try this one on for size.

I am a completely normal person, just like every other one on the face of the earth. I occasionally behave in ways that are less than what I'd view as perfectly, just as any normal person with normal desires would.

That work?


I called H (I know, I know, I shouldn't do that) and he was immediately irritated. seriously, I could hear his thoughts...can't she even work a circuit breaker??? he said he'd be here as soon as possible.

So, he should probably be the last one you call if your aim is to show him independence and strength.

H attacked. yeah, I know. I went for it. dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Well, this is understandable. My first instinct is to worry about you from a health POV, if you know what I mean?

Secondly, he needs to realize that there are consequences to his behavior.

Bottom line on this one is, stop beating yourself up about it. Learn from it and forgive. Then decide what you're going to do the next time you're in the same situation.

he pointed out that he really shouldn't ask favors of me, that it wasn't cool of him to do. ouch. damn, that hurt. because I guess part of me doesn't think stopping for a sub is that big a deal, and that made it a bigger deal.

He shouldn't be asking favors, but yet he is coming over and asking for a little more than a sub!

and disgusting, that I would let him touch me. seriously, how pathetic am I?

I hope you can stop doing this to yourself. Is this thinking part of why you let him go ahead? Just asking...

what's been happening between us, its all just smoke and mirrors, and I know that too. and I'm bawling my eyes out because I want so badly to believe in the illusion.

Don't be hopeless.

Don't put blinders on either.

Right now, have you swung farther toward the former?

all things I enjoy. okay, the housework, not such a joy, but the results are nice. lol. I love making my home look nice each season. if it gets nicer out I'll have the kids go outside to hunt for acorns to use. maybe we'll go ahead out and get some mums for the porch. I'm going to continue doing the things I love, continue making my house a home, all that stuff, even when sometimes it feels so empty. I'm going to continue to appreciate my blessings. I am so lucky! I know I am. some things might suck, but I have so much more in my life to love.

Don't lose sight of this.

You're not stupid, you're not a fool, you're not disgusting...

You're somebody thrown into an incredibly difficult and uncertain situation - trying to make the best of it, while realizing that the path forward is unclear.

Who wouldn't fall off the path every now and again?

But don't forget that even if the path is tough and hard and may not even go where we want, there's still quite a bit of life worth loving.

Take care,

PS - do you guys call/email each other? I found it useful to make real contacts with people from here, both since it serves to increase the depth of dealing with situations and it helps foster real connections.