Doesn't this have something to do with the fact that cobra and his W do not love each other?
I don't know... not for me... but if it does for you... that's my point, I guess... how we build internal bias (bias being neither good nor bad)... mental images of each other... and the ONLY thing we have to go on is how we write and express ourselves in THIS medium.
If I knew Cobra on some other board... maybe talking about a shared hobby or something... my experience of him would likely be very different... and I doubt I'd form the same mental frame for him... maybe I would, I don't know...
It just really struck me, is all... that doesn't mean any given conversation I have with Cobra on this board will be one whit easier... I seriously doubt it... but I am very aware of that mental frame I have built for him... MY version of Cobra... I doubt it is entirely accurate. Or any of my mental versions I've built for anyone on this board... Regardless... I am just very glad I am aware of it...
That's all. That was my only point. I'm glad to be really, really aware of it.
But along the 'box' vein... could it be that you have your own box you put Mrs. Cobra in?
I would say that I had her in a box some time ago but tried to get her out of that box about a year or so ago, maybe even longer. The change for me came about with counseling, reading, posting on this board. Taking someone out of the box can involve a certain amount of faith, IMO.
For my wife, seeing me in a different way really meant giving me the benefit of the doubt which meant lowering her defenses, which meant she had to risk being attacked. That is why I think it was so hard for her to do this. Her past precluded her from doing so. She knew no other way. From what I could tell, that is how she seemed to think everyone went about life. Everything is suspect. When I did something particularly nice, instead of feeling gratitude or relief, her suspicions and stress levels actually increased.
It does not make sense. It took me a long time to figure this out and try not to react to it. That was my part. Her part was to stop trying to create a self fulfilling prophecy.
ETA Is that rhetorical?
Rhetorical, but I'd like to hear your answer anyway.
So... anyways... I removed the box for me... because it was getting in MY way. Yeah, an offshoot of that is that me putting you in any kind of box is unfair... but fairness was not the motivating factor.
I think it has more along the lines to do with self-trust. And I really got all this from Lou, actually... when he told me, on whatever thread that was... how he saw me... I thought... oh my goodness, I had no idea... and it helped me to know that he saw me that way so that I could try and communicate with him in a better way...
Then I thought. Hmmm. Interesting. I must be seeing Lou in a certain way, too... because I 'heard' in my head the tone of voice I would imagine him saying that to me. And then I realized... I have no earthly idea whatsoever if he would say it to me that way or not, because I don't KNOW Lou. And I realized... I was the one who did that.
Then I tried to imagine how I melt have felt if different folks on the board had said the exact same thing to me... and I got different feelings from that little exercise...
And I realized... what I had been doing... and never even knew it. But of all people on here... I'm pretty sure I gave you the most cold and negative voice.
I may or may not come to the same conclusion if I knew you IRL. But I have no way of knowing that, and therefore, it is a hindering assumption for me to make... and again, not fair to you at all... or everyone else I've done it to, good, bad or indifferent.
So. I changed that. Cuz I can. And I did it for me. Once I did that -- started throwing all those frames and boxes away -- I saw different things.
You can't see what you can't see. Until you do. Imagine the word 'do' as its own verb, instead of an implication of 'do see.' Sentence reads a little different, doesn't it? And all it takes is a slight shift in perspective.
Oh, and the self-trust thought I brought up and didn't explain:
Quote:
I think it has more along the lines to do with self-trust.
I realized I didn't NEED you in a box or a frame to feel better about me and my version of the world. I'm okay... so are you. Whoever you really are. I think that is what trusting one's self actually feels like.
I figured you were working through a new phase in your development and that something had triggered it, so good for you. In fact, I have a hell of a lot of admiration for you and what you've been pushing yourself through lately. I can sense your self trust rising immensely as you seem to block off one area at a time to investigate.
No, I don't feel at all like you're one of the most negative voices for me on this board. You get into my stuff and confront me, and I know you were ticked at me a week or so ago, but I never got emotional over it nor felt you were "negative." I just figure I had pushed some button of yours. I know I would have felt differently in the past. I guess we're both growing.
It is not 'being who we are,' that hurts. It is in being 'who we are not,' that hurts.
You, me, your wife... will struggle (suffer, elude happiness), because we do not realize that, rather than being who we are, we are busy being who we are not. Cuz we don't know any better.
Your wife simply cannot know HOW to be Who She Is... because she doesn't KNOW Who She Is. She just knows Who She Isn't.
i.e., "I'm NOT my mother, I am NOT my father, I am NOT my teacher, I am NOT my husband, I am NOT my children..." list goes on and on.
So she is very busy being Who She Isn't.
I'm sure she would struggle much less if she would just BE Who She Is. Ya can't do that, if you are busy being Who You Are Not.
I completely agree with you. Knowing yourself is the most basic foundation upon which EVERYTHING else rests. I know she does not know exactly who she is or what she wants. When I ask her this she gives me the answers we have seen before - I want my kids to be happy, I want a good M, etc...
This is an issue I am keeping in my mind, but I had to get her to get past those voices from her father first. They confused her in deciding who she should be versus who she thought her father thought she should be. If that filter has truly been lifted (and I know it will probably start creeping back in) then she might be able to find what makes her happy. It will take some time...
Well... it could be that she thinks YOU are telling her Who She SHOULD BE... because you keep telling her... "I am NOT your father..."
It could very well be in how you are phrasing the questions... tone, facial expression... situation in which it is expressed...
You can change all those things, if you want.
It's not about finding the answers. It's about asking the question. And if you don't find the answer that feels right to you... you need to ask another question, eh?
It's about the questions.
She can find Who She Is... and you can find Who You Are... and you can do it together, and it can be fun...
Oh. And I'm not saying she thinks this, or that you do that... but if you think it might be a factor that she MAY be thinking that, you might want to find out. It could help you help her, and vice versa.
