LL, I have read this thread and I have a few thoughts for you. Your husband sounds very confused but it does sound as if he is trying to bring himself back to you. It seems as if he wants things to work out. However, I get the sense that he fears that you do not accept him for who he is. Although family should come before work, if he is like many men, perhaps he prides himself in his ability to work hard and support your family. ( I don't know your whole situation so maybe I'm off base about this). But in my experience, many people don't understand how their spouses feel about being the primary breadwinners in their families. It's an awesome responsibility. And their spouses rarely say, "I'm so proud of you." or "I just love and admire the way you take care of us financially." Working hard should not take the place of relationships, but it should be appreciated and recognized for the sustenance it offers families. Have you expressed your appreciation about this and other things he has done?
Plus, he has said things to you that indicate his readiness to work on your marriage. Unfortunately, he doesn't use your words. But rather than expect him to be your clone, I'd prefer you stretch yourself to try to understand his language. It really does need to be a two-way street. the fact that you two are different, doesn't necessarily make him wrong. If he feels wrong in your presence, it will make it hard for him to want to be around you. We all want to feel as if we're good people.
Another thing, don't try to pin him down right now about being committed to working things out. He's confused. If you push him, you'll either push hiim away or make him say something he doesn't really believe and then he'll resent you and pull away anyway. So watch his actions rather than force him to decide and commit verbally as to his plans. Be patient. (I know you have). But continue being patient. It's a great sign that he's willing to go to your counselor. I get enthusiastic when a reluctant spouse joins the motivated spouse even if s/he says it's to talk about how to handle the children. It really doesn't matter WHY he's coming. If your counselor is good, you can make the session productive and turn toward positive feelings in the marriage. So stop being so literal and watch what happens next. Take a deep breath.
I'm not saying you shouldn't consult with an attorney. The threat of your doing that seems to have touched your husband in some way. So it's not a bad thing. All I'm saying is for you to keep your eyes and heart open, not just your ears. Watch and feel him, don't just rely on words.
And one final thing, I don't think it's a good idea to talk to your kids about your feelings about your husband. they're kids. What's happening in their lives is hard enough right now. Knowing mom is mad at dad is hard enough. Talking to them about it pulls them into the loop even more. they deserve to be kids, not little people worried about adult problems. They love both of you and it should stay that way. It's the only way they'll come out of this thing whole.
I know this has be very difficult for you and that you've been a real trooper and a major source of help to everyone on this board. Now be your own best friend. Be patient. Get good help. Good things might be right around the corner. Michele
