Almost a WAW

[Dom R]

Now some cautionary words:

Would you believe that right now as I am sitting here writing this to you that my old flesh is crying out to me to contact the OM? Can you believe that?

Yes, I can.
and actually.. It is expected.
Please realise this, and, knowing this, prepare for it.

Various marital counsellors write that it is because of this sort of thing happening, that you should never ever talk to him again, for any reason. Just delete any emails from him, etc.

Beyond that... I think that those yearnings will mostly go away, when your husband starts meeting your "emotional needs".

This also means staying flexible about your expectations of him. I think you already agreed with what I was saying, but I'll just remind you
you WILL have to actually ask him, to hold you, in order to meet your "touch" needs.

And you WILL have to coach him, to meet your verbal affirmation needs!!!
Saying, "I don't want to have to tell him to tell me..." ...
"I might as well look in a mirror and tell myself!" ...
That's sabotaging your happiness.

HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. HE IS NOT A MINDREADER.
(Nor is he verbally gifted. He's a Man. )

Lets put it this way:
if you want flowers from an average man, you have two choices:
1. tell him, "I'd really like flowers"
2. hope someone else tells him, "get your wife some flowers!!"
On valentine's day, you basically have "someone else telling him", through media advertising, etc.

Does that mean the flowers mean nothing, and you might have well sent them yourself?

It shouldnt. Because he still had a choice to send them or not. He chose to send them.

If you have to ask him to take out the trash, and he takes it out.. does it "not count" becuase you asked him? If you have to ask him to fix something.. does it "not count" because you asked him?

In the same way, when it comes to nice words to you, you have basically two choices:

1. ask for them yourself, and (for the first year, at least), tell him close to exactly what you'd like to hear
2. go hire/bribe/blackmail someone, to coach him to tell you stuff.

I'm deadly serious. No matter how much you wish for it, he is not going to turn into a poet, just because you'd like it.
He is not capable of that.
He needs help.

So get over yourself :P and help him.
Then be happy when he makes a choice to respond, and say things that you have told him make you happy.


If it helps any... i think it would be a concern, if you felt like he didnt mean it.
ie: telling someone, "tell me you love me every day", and every day, hearing in a monotone, "i.love.you.", doesnt do much good.

I'm guessing that it isnt actually the words themselves that mean so much to you, but rather, the sincerity behind them.
So, make sure that he understands to only say the stuff if he means it.
And then your job, is to focus on the fact that they may be your words, but it is his feelings behind them.

Sigh. more long stuff. should maybe put it in another post, but...

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PS: try not to "force yourself" to do stuff that is intrinsically irritating to you. This is related to the sitcom stuff that you "forced yourself to watch". It's a bad idea to build up resentment towards your husband.
In my opinon, it's all about your state of mind about something, though.
Compare and contrast:

A) I'm going to sit here and watch these stupid things and pretend I'm enjoying myself... UGH I hate this.. that jerk had better appreciate what I'm doing for him!!!

B) I care about my husband, and I'd like for us to spend more time together. I guess I'll sit and watch some of those silly sitcoms with him right now. I'm glad they make him smile, and I'm glad to spend time with him.
It makes me happy, to make him happy.

(that last sentence is NOT to mean you should focus on only making him happy all the time. It's just to underscore the "joy of giving". The true spirit of giving a gift, is one of wanting to make the other person happy. If you're not doing something because you want to make him happy.. then it isnt a "gift" to him. It's something else)


I think you are doing great hang in there, have patience, and enjoy the positive things