My wife infomed me two weeks ago...I dont love you anymore, we married for wrong reasons, we have nothing in common, we are too different, etc, etc. I think she feels unappreciated by me and I know I havent put her first in our lives for awhile. I love her very much. This is very hard for me as I considered her my best friend, yet she's walking away. She really likes to socialize and go out with her friends and I'm not nearly as social as her. We are 39 and have been married for 13 years. I think she's acting socially like she's 18. She is connecting socially with all her friends right now. She has asked for us to seperate and wants me to consider our living situations. I told her that I wasnt leaving the house and kids and that she should since she is walking away. She said she might move and take the kids with her. She also caught me snooping her email today...not good. So, she is holding firm that her feelings can never change, we have too many differences and she doesnt see how this could improve. We have been to 1 counseling session and she offered to go see a counselor on her own but I'm not so sure she's that serious to try very hard on either option. She has called her plethora of friends to tell them about this, but will not get into a conversation with her parents about sitch. Anyway...I am obsessed with her and going crazy. I know I have overpursued, been emotional, pushed a bit. Not sure how to handle or what to do next. It's not good and I need some hope.
I hate to say this but welcome to our world. Most of us here are in some what of the same boat as you hang in there and dont give up but do quit snooping and give her some space. Get the book Divorce Busting and start "DBing". read a lot of post here and learn from them then the hard part, live them.I've been married 22years wife droped the i dont love you anymore speach Feb. 05 my life has been a rollercoaster ever since she moved out july 27th 07 and now were rebuilding a freindship will it become more? only time will tell. I said all that to let you know it's a long road ahead of you and not a smoth one good luck keep posting asking quetions and getting answers off other post.
me40 W39 D21 S18 Bomb 2/12/03 W Moved out7/27/07 I'm still DBing and hopefull
You'll find a lot of support & great resources to help you here on this board.
Divorce Remedy is the updated version of DB & highly recommended. If you haven't read it, get it ASAP, before you have any more interactions with your W.
Almost all of us have heard the same script by our WAS's. There is a sort of receipe & method to learn that will help you get your balance back, teach you some new skills & may result in a chance to rebuild a new R with your W.
Read the posts & start posting some of your own to get feedback, & see how others have handled their (probably similar sitch, many are) situation.
I'll post Jen_Jam's tips to get you started.
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathizing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favors whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certainly not in the early stages. You are not going to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're reading this and thinking your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once.
Thanks for the tips. Couple issues we are really battling with right now; she caught me reading an email of hers. really pissed about that. But, I think she's more pissed in the fact that I wont move out. She thinks that I should move out asap, but I told her she was the WAW and its her decision to walk away, she should move out. I told her I wasnt leaving the house and neither were the kids. She's pissed about this obviously because it's not going to plan. Am I right to hold the ground on this or will it make it tougher to reconcilliate in the end? I think I hold the 'time' cards on this and if she's away and the kids are here, she might see the light after awhile. But with me out, its out of sight/out of mind.
Sorry you are here. However, I have some words of advice if you are willing to listen.
I truly understand your comments about making her leave. It is your house too. I am validating your opinion however, I have given this a tremendous amount of consideration having been through this now a few times. I think you might actually make a huge impression and do think it might make some sense if you said "I understand why you are feeling the way you are, I have thought about your request to live separately and I am considering honoring that request with me moving out for a while while we sort through this.
This would be a huge 180, no? Listen to WAW, it would take a huge amount of pressure off her (she is wildy confused as you point out) and without it, I DONT THINK SHE WILL "SEE THE LIGHT AFTER A WHILE". I really dont. If she does, it may be the wrong light.
Time is on your side. I know what I am saying is not what you want to hear. I have no idea what your W is like, but unless she is the type to never speak up, she may see you in a different light with something like this happening and actually come to you later.
Thinks months here my friend, not days or weeks. Sorry, those are the stats.
Let me (us) know what you think here and we can talk through it together.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Thanks CVA...I still would be nervous to pull the trigger on moving out. Im not sure its a 180 in my favor. We are in counseling and she is going to see someone on her own. Not sure how committed she is to coming up with solutions, but I dont think it can hurt to be there. My wife is outspoken and a quick decision maker. One thing thats making me nervous is she's reconnecting with all her friends as fast as possible. The more she talks about her feelings and reasons for this, the more they become hardened and ingrained. I have stopped pursuing and am keeping to myself more. I promised her I would back off and give her space if shed let the counseling play out.
You sound fearful that if you give her space, she will pull away more, ie. distance does not make the heart grow fonder attitude.
Probably some truth there, but when your dealing w/ a WAW, you NEED To give her space, go read WAW78 and Sandi2 if you can find her thread.
At the very minimum, this sounds like you are trying to control the situation which you cannot do. You can certainly work on yourself and the marriage overall but controlling what she does may seem like it is working but trust me, it wont last. Controlling meaning guilting her into something or whatever.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
tostado, be cool, relax, breathe deeply, dont push, no rational judgements, dont over-react. We all been down that road and it simply dont work. Read cva rants and his postings for today, if you dont like to go to hooters, start going. Be free like a butterfly. Lift your spirits up!
See the W, Listen to the W, but dont Speak back to the W. Bridle your tongue...
((((MMH)))! What's up with that? I don't rant! Just politely freaking out! Tostada, he is right, breath, relax, and yes we do all overreact.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
so my wife just informed me she's leaving for the weekend with a friend of hers. I have the kids. But what I am wondering is why she is 'reconnecting' with every friend she has ever had? She's having lunch, coffee, going away this weekend, next weekend, and another first weekend in Oct. Wondering if she's trying to get validation for her feelings or "GAL"?
