My wife's withdrawal is starting to get much better; the first two weeks were pretty rough some days. I think she's had a harder time dealing with the loss of her job (she had to quit due the OM working there, for "no contact") than she is with the loss of her relationship with him. After 22 years of staying home with our kids, the job was a great source of pride and indpendence for her, and she knows it's her own fault she screwed that up, and now she's having to deal with the consequences of those poor choices, and it's hard -- and even humiliating -- for her.
Yes, it is very sad -- and concerning, actually -- that many HD spouses and betrayed spouses have to threaten separation or divorce in order to get their LD or wayward spouse's attention. Trust me, we could NOT afford the $6k in legal retainers that it cost us, not to mention the emotional damage to us and the kids, but some nuts are harder to crack than others. NOP told me that among dozen or more folks he's personally worked with, plus the hundreds more whose cases he is personally familiar with, that my wife was THE most stubborn case he ever encountered!
At least you all now know I wasn't just being dramatic about her.
I have given her plenty of hugs and kisses and encouragement through this, while at the same time not "rescuing" her from the consequences of her actions. It's a tough balancing act, but I think I've really begun to learn to live more in that "middle path" between total supplication and enabling, and total confrontation and dickishness. It's a steadier path, without the passive-aggressive tendencies that I have shown her in the past, and I think it builds trust and comfort in her.
Choc, I'm glad she finally saw the light. I will, however, warn you and you already know this, but coming from someone first hand (me), there is going to be so much healing YOU are going to end up needing to do once the dust settles. I know you know all of this, but I'm still going through it months later. Once things are grand and wonderful from her POV, you are going to be thinking "what about all the sh*t you just put ME through?" And when she's absolutely so in love w/ you again, you're constantly (at least I do) thinking "and you almost threw all of this away!!" However, I think all of that goes away w/ time. The trust seemed to be the easiest thing for me to deal w/ because I know he has no desire to do that anymore and he knows if he does it's over, however, the aftermath of the whole D sitch and the things he said & did to me are what are the hardest to deal w/ at times. You may find that you don't see your W the same way anymore and you probably never will. She will be an entirely different person to you, because the W you married would never have done & said the things she did. I think those are the hardest things to deal w/ when rekindling an M from the "almost left" person's POV.
Cadesmom,
I know. A couple of the very good books that I've read have warned me well of this, as has NOP. I think what has helped, as someone else said above, is for me to remember those areas where I'm a knucklehead and a sinner, and not to "lord this over" her. Just because I've been faithful (and I have), doesn't mean I don't have my issues -- just in other areas. So that humility has helped.
It's also helped that she HAS been willing to talk about it, and she shows genuine remorse and contrition in nearly every conversation about it. This is new for her; she is normally a person who does NOT like to "deal with her own chit," but she shown more introspection and communication with me about it than I ever would have imagined. This has really helped me. When I read in some infidelity books about how many, many WASs don't ever really show this remorse, but rather just want to "move on," I don't know if my personality type could have dealt well with that.
Finally, we have talked about the fact that this (her affair) won't ever go away; it will be a part of our shared marital (and even family) history forever. This upsets her, but she knows it's reality. But I've also told her that MCs, books, message boards -- others who have gone thru this -- have ALL said that the marriage often emerges stronger and better than it's ever been before. That in short, you won't ever have "apples" that were as good as your old apples, but you can have -- if you work at it -- "oranges" that are better than your old apples were.
This is very true. And time can help. But it also helps to see the new R/M as having the potential to be better than ever. That takes a lot of conscious effort on the part of the LBS but it can work. I think part of our pride gets in the way and of course resentment, but our S's cannot change that in us. Only we can manage those emotions. If we don't, the M is probably not going to make it.
LfL,
I think this is SO true, and I try to live each day very aware of this reality. Although I will not, and DO not, share blame for my wife's poor choice regarding her affair, I do take responsibility for the condition of my marriage. And PRIDE was a BIG part of that. I just got to where I was like "fukc it; she knows where I am, I'm not going to beg." That was poisonous, and reckless.
I also naively believed that if I just "was a good guy, and worked very hard," that everything else in my life would miraculously take care of itself. That was a very immature attitude, and I now realize that EVERYTHING takes effort -- my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my finances -- EVERYTHING.
Choc, I can tell you that you will be going through lots of different emotions in the next few months, as will your W. It's all a test, which is a good thing. I firmly believe that if two people decide they want the relationship to work, it will. My H carries the ball on my weak days, and vice versa.
Thanks for the thoughtful note, NJ. I think part of our problem has been that in most marriages, one partner or the other takes on the role as the "primary caretaker" of the marital relationship. In our case, NEITHER of us ever did, we're BOTH huge conflict-avoiders, and so no one was riding herd over it. We now that that our personalities are what they are, and so we're BOTH just going to have to work at this, and then SPEAK UP when the see the other start to slack. We've made a sort of a little "contract" with each other to do just that, and I honestly think if we had just done that before, we wouldn't be at this place.
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The other thought I keep in mind is something Corri mentioned on Hairdog's thread, that my behavior in the past has not been stellar, and who am I to judge my H so harshly? ( I'll have to find exactly what she said...I remember really nodding along).
SO true -- see my "knucklehead" thought on that in the post above.
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I think our marriage will forever be different, but I would never go back to the old ways. And in any new relationship I would carry this baggage. It's been so worth it to me to give him another chance,to learn and grow from this, and I love the payoffs it's having in terms of the kids feeling more settled. I didn't realize how much the tension had been affecting them.
We have already seen a remarkable change in our kids, especially our boys, and especially S14, for whom the change was almost IMMEDIATE. As soon as we reconciled, he was happy, giddy, confident. He is an extraordinarily bright and also very sensitive child, and yet painfully shy, and he'd been keeping a lot of stuff bottled up inside that he's only now begun to talk about a little bit. But I think it was pretty disturbing and shocking for my wife to see how her affair -- and the resulting stress it caused in our home -- affected him.
Thanks for the friendship hug & kiss -- back atcha, Journey.
I think part of our problem has been that in most marriages, one partner or the other takes on the role as the "primary caretaker" of the marital relationship. In our case, NEITHER of us ever did, we're BOTH huge conflict-avoiders, and so no one was riding herd over it.
I believe Cobra and others were discussing this a few threads ago, that a relationship betwen two avoiders will eventually fall apart. I have more of a pursuer type personality, but in my marriage I became depressed and avoidant. By the time I woke up, it was almost too late. Now that I am happily back to myself, I have to be careful to not over-pursue and to give my H the room to step up. It's his choice to change his avoidant ways and do that kind of work, and the miracle is, he's doing it!
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We now that that our personalities are what they are, and so we're BOTH just going to have to work at this, and then SPEAK UP when the see the other start to slack. We've made a sort of a little "contract" with each other to do just that, and I honestly think if we had just done that before, we wouldn't be at this place.
Excellent! it takes work and change, and it takes time. I have gotten to a better place, but I am still not really able to trust that things will continue this way. I guess I just need to keep working on me.
Choc, I have been watching your situation with (often horrified) interest since my lurking days. I could not be more happy at this turn of events. Just wanted to chime in to say that I love the attitude you seem to be displaying here. I see no vindictiveness or holier-than-thou; you seem to really view the restoration of your marriage as a team effort. Congratulations.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
NOP told me that among dozen or more folks he's personally worked with, plus the hundreds more whose cases he is personally familiar with, that my wife was THE most stubborn case he ever encountered!
