There and Back, #5

[LL44]

OH morgan.

What a day, draining day. First of all, you are none of those things you mentioned. You are a woman, a wife who still loves her husband. You are a wife and a mother fighting for what you want. You can't detach from all of that or you would give up. mk is right, its GOOD that he is so interested in you. The kissing alone is a great sign (the few times H and I have been intimate, we have kissed soooo much). If he wanted sex, and sex alone, he would have cut to the chase. So confused that husband of yours.

Please don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. Something in him has awakened too, and that's really a good thing, don't you think? I am so sorry you are down and not in a good place, but try to focus again and you'll get past this.

[nephartiti]

Morgan,

This is my gut talking.

Don't listen to a word he says. Just pay attention to his actions. He really ML to you. The last half a dozen times I was with my H, he wouldn't kiss me, wouldn't even look at me. It was horrible. It was just sex.

Your H ML, then he fell into the old rythm without even thinking "Can you pick me up a sub?" It slipped out. Then he realized it and threw out the next question to test the waters.

He's not sure where you stand. He doesn't want to look like the idiot and get rejected by YOU.

Relax. The ball is still in your court. You think he has the upper hand. That is the illusion. It is up to you whether you let him in or not. You set the pace, darling. I think it may be a good idea to slow down a bit, though. He's getting a little to comfy, I think. We don't want him to get the ball. Not yet.

[SallyM]

thanks, ladies. I don't see him till tues. night, and then I'll probably nip out to the gym for cardio, so won't even be around. that will give me a little bit of breathing space, anyway.

I'm just mad at myself. mad that I am not being stronger, because I know I need to be. and the last thing I want is him getting too comfy with this arrangement. not a good thing, at least not for me. its funny, I need to remember that I need to be the one to protect myself/my feelings. I am still so used to allowing him to do that, expecting him to, even. yes, in spite of how horribly he's treated me, I have a hard time letting that go. so I need to remember its me I need to rely on.

[Astimegoeson]

Good morning Morgan,

I read your post about WAW vs WAH ML to LBS. It's possible that it could be a power play for some, but I don't think it's the rule. Just my own opinion, but a cheating W is the last stop on the desire train. From my interaction with OM experiencing my situation, it's a deal breaker. It's more desirable to ML to a stranger, then a former "trusted" partner who's strayed.

I think most Men are less forgiving then their Female counterparts.

[SallyM]

I don't think I'm using it for a power play, either. I think I'm being incredibly stupid, I think I am setting myself up for a lot of heartbreak, but don't think its a power play. I don't think this is a hard and fast rule, its just a possibility that does occur. it could very well be true that men are also less forgiving. although I don't have personal experience with that, and it does strike me that on the infidelity board here there are many men on it as well as women that are willing to forgive.

[my3sons]

then he put his spin on it, saying that I was wrong to believe that he was with her all the time.

Of course he's not with her ALL the time. (When he said it, he wasn't with her, he was with you. Duh.) Classic misdirection. It would be so tempting to ask, "Am I wrong to believe that you are EVER with her?" Or how about, "So, should I have the kids call you at your mom's number from now on?"

[SallyM]

very true, my3sons, very true. although I'm not sure he meant it quite like that. who knows, though, enough about him.

today has been good so far. went to the gym, then had a long talk with my friend (the therapist, not my therapist). good talk. haven't for a week or so, I think part of me is embarassed about H and my recent activities.

am doing some housework and have started decorating for fall. all things I enjoy. okay, the housework, not such a joy, but the results are nice. lol. I love making my home look nice each season. if it gets nicer out I'll have the kids go outside to hunt for acorns to use. maybe we'll go ahead out and get some mums for the porch. I'm going to continue doing the things I love, continue making my house a home, all that stuff, even when sometimes it feels so empty. I'm going to continue to appreciate my blessings. I am so lucky! I know I am. some things might suck, but I have so much more in my life to love.

[mkultra]

Your H ML, then he fell into the old rythm without even thinking "Can you pick me up a sub?" It slipped out. Then he realized it and threw out the next question to test the waters.

He's not sure where you stand. He doesn't want to look like the idiot and get rejected by YOU.

I totally agree, I just can't explain it that well! Wow, Nephartiti, good call! That is exactly what I thought when Morgan mentioned her H's attitude on the phone. He is like an insecure boy again. All that, "He's just not that into you," BS does not apply to married folks. It gets way more complicated.

[mkultra]

am doing some housework and have started decorating for fall. all things I enjoy. okay, the housework, not such a joy, but the results are nice. lol. I love making my home look nice each season. if it gets nicer out I'll have the kids go outside to hunt for acorns to use. maybe we'll go ahead out and get some mums for the porch. I'm going to continue doing the things I love, continue making my house a home, all that stuff, even when sometimes it feels so empty. I'm going to continue to appreciate my blessings. I am so lucky! I know I am. some things might suck, but I have so much more in my life to love.

I just read an article on Jennifer Garner and the most important thingss her mother taught her to prepare for motherhood. This girl is so sweet. She said that her mother taught her the importance of setting a nice table even if there was no company. To keep the house lovely for the family every season as though they were treasured company. I thought that was so cute.

You are a wonderful mother and you never know what the kids will take with them so keep up the good work. Do you ever wonder if/ when your H comes home if the kids will even remember the seperation? I have heard many stories of WSs coming back after missing their families after a year and the kids kind of erase that year from their memory and moms just act as if it never happened.

I don't think that happens in our quick paced generation of disposables. I think women are taught not to put up with that year of waywardness nowadays.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

Where to start?

How about here?

I am the stupidest freaking person on the face of the earth. I am. its all smoke and mirrors and I am a fool.

I think I see a typo in this sentence. Mind if I fix it for you?

Try this one on for size.

I am a completely normal person, just like every other one on the face of the earth. I occasionally behave in ways that are less than what I'd view as perfectly, just as any normal person with normal desires would.

That work?


I called H (I know, I know, I shouldn't do that) and he was immediately irritated. seriously, I could hear his thoughts...can't she even work a circuit breaker??? he said he'd be here as soon as possible.

So, he should probably be the last one you call if your aim is to show him independence and strength.

H attacked. yeah, I know. I went for it. dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Well, this is understandable. My first instinct is to worry about you from a health POV, if you know what I mean?

Secondly, he needs to realize that there are consequences to his behavior.

Bottom line on this one is, stop beating yourself up about it. Learn from it and forgive. Then decide what you're going to do the next time you're in the same situation.

he pointed out that he really shouldn't ask favors of me, that it wasn't cool of him to do. ouch. damn, that hurt. because I guess part of me doesn't think stopping for a sub is that big a deal, and that made it a bigger deal.

He shouldn't be asking favors, but yet he is coming over and asking for a little more than a sub!

and disgusting, that I would let him touch me. seriously, how pathetic am I?

I hope you can stop doing this to yourself. Is this thinking part of why you let him go ahead? Just asking...

what's been happening between us, its all just smoke and mirrors, and I know that too. and I'm bawling my eyes out because I want so badly to believe in the illusion.

Don't be hopeless.

Don't put blinders on either.

Right now, have you swung farther toward the former?

all things I enjoy. okay, the housework, not such a joy, but the results are nice. lol. I love making my home look nice each season. if it gets nicer out I'll have the kids go outside to hunt for acorns to use. maybe we'll go ahead out and get some mums for the porch. I'm going to continue doing the things I love, continue making my house a home, all that stuff, even when sometimes it feels so empty. I'm going to continue to appreciate my blessings. I am so lucky! I know I am. some things might suck, but I have so much more in my life to love.

Don't lose sight of this.

You're not stupid, you're not a fool, you're not disgusting...

You're somebody thrown into an incredibly difficult and uncertain situation - trying to make the best of it, while realizing that the path forward is unclear.

Who wouldn't fall off the path every now and again?

But don't forget that even if the path is tough and hard and may not even go where we want, there's still quite a bit of life worth loving.

Take care,

PS - do you guys call/email each other? I found it useful to make real contacts with people from here, both since it serves to increase the depth of dealing with situations and it helps foster real connections.