Wow...lots of stuff there about which I want to comment, but I guess some of you are waiting for an update.
We're back to Defcon level 1. What happened? I came home Friday and, when she got home, one of the first things I said to her was, "we have to talk."
Apparently, according to her, that statement, at that time, made all the difference to her. According to her, when I said that, she felt a 'rush of relief' accompanied by a feeling of hopefulness.
The talk had to wait until DD6 went to bed, but here's a summary: 1. I told her how I had perceived her comments about her client's slimeball husband, that I was being compared to a rapist, etc.
She clarified to me that the reason she had brought that up was to clue me in on why my grab had 'scared' her so much. She doesn't really think I'm capable of that, but what she had hoped for was that I would be more empathetic to her reaction and would have said something like, "I can see why that would have scared you, having had to deal with the client's situation". Instead, I got defensive and "flipped it" and made myself the victim of her "accusation."
I know someone is likely to go back in the threads and pull out a quote of mine regarding her equating my actions to a rapist, but I guess the point is, by the time we'd gotten to that part of the conversation, she was already reacting to my flip of the situation and -- yeah, I get the dysfuntion.
2. The financial/ college fund threat. She admitted that it was said out of anger, and apologized, and said this: At that point, you had already made yourself the victim, I was angry about that, and I wanted to hurt you. I brought up the college funds because I sometimes feel like you don't appreciate the fact that so much of MY money is going into that fund.
I explained a couple of things to her - how it could be taken as a threat against the kids, and how I indeed took it that way. I suggested that we re-configure the budget so that she doesn't have to think of that particular line item coming partially from her, and she said that it's not something that she resents -- until I seem to take it for granted. I said, "I have told you before, and I'll say it again, I appreciate your contributions, financially and otherwise, to this family. I'm concerned that this current structure of the budget is wrong, and that you expect me to be beholden to you because of it...that I should be a doormat, just because you see that budget item as coming out of your funds."
She denied this, once again said that she had said it out of anger, etc. Although we didn't resolve the nuts and bolts of the financial issue, I told her that I'd react the same way if she threatened it again, as if it was a threat to the kids, and that it would be in both our interest to figure out a way to handle it.
That was Friday night. Saturday was fairly uneventful, but Sunday, we went to church and, afterward, had a rare opportunity to spend about three hours together w/o DD6. We took a long walk.
During the walk we talked about the arguments during the week, about NMMNG, about the sexual moratorium, and about our marriage. She reiterated that, when I said on Friday that we needed to talk, and when I actually brought it up after she came downstairs from putting DD6 to bed, she was so relieved. "You have a pattern where you do something that you know is damaging to the relationship, then you just start acting like everything is fine and, when I don't act the same way you get all, 'look who's so grouchy today' and set me up as the bad guy. I was pleased that you wanted to talk about it, rather than ignore it."
One other thing she said, "I've said in the past that, if you died or we divorced, I wouldn't rush into another relationship. I want you to know that, even though I've said that, it doesn't mean that I'd prefer to go through life alone. I want you to be with me, always. We have our problems, but I'm glad we have each other, that we're together."
And, from her, that's about as mushy as it's going to get. And that's fine, for now.
