This statement was way over the top! You don't have any idea what's going on in my R, whether it's changed or not, whether it's better or not!
That statement was based on something you said a few weeks ago, something to the effect that you were getting tired of your R and needing to re-evaluate where it was headed. It sounded very much like you were ready to throw in the towel.
If it hit a nerve, then sorry.
BF,
If you have read their threads you would know that this is not what happened. He did not capitalize, he was fully involved and subject to all the emotions of going thru it.
I’ve read their threads (which are not that many and are rather succinct. The time period covered is also very short.) Nop may not have consciously decided to capitalize on the fact that MrsNop still had feelings for him, I don’t know, but his plan clearly centers on this. In fact, if ANYONE is going to work on a M, it is implicit that the other person must have feelings, otherwise the whole process of “going dark” or other tactics is pointless.
Your SO will feel your intent. Its unavoidable.
No, I do not think this is necessarily so. In many cases yes, but not always. No matter what I have said or done, my W would still hold a very skeptical and defensive view of the M. Even when I did everything I could to work on the M, she did not buy into it. That was a conscious decision on her part, one that she made based on her own perceptions of life. I know you believe that human emotions can overwhelm the intellect and especially for women, they will feel one thing even though they try to think another. Often I think this is true. But not always.
Thats why its obvious Strawberry Blonds x wasnt CNPD. I could take her posts apart paragraph by paragraph but she is D, isnt around, doesnt appear to want to see and so its not worth my time. If it makes her feel better thinking that then MPTH.
I have no idea what you are saying here or who this person is.
This is not understanding and it is not helpful. Its enabling. This is not a criticism of HD, its informing you.
Who are you talking about? Are you saying that I am enabling? If so, I don’t see how.
Sheesh. HD is not trying to control her. He doesnt WANT to have a power struggle. He doesnt Want to control her.
No, HD does not want to overtly control her, but he also wants stand his ground, which is ok. The way he does it is the problem. What I see in HD’s marriage is in part the maximizer/minimizer dynamic. MrsHD is the maximizer, making the big, loud, demonstrative actions. HD is the minimizer, trying to be politically correct, make the peace, keep up appearances. The maximizer is always the FIRST target in analyzing M problems. But what comes out later is that the minimizer is manipulating things behind the scenes, often unknowingly, to tilt power/control in his favor. The minimizer is a long way from being innocent. If you listen closely to what MrsHD is saying, you will see this.
He just wants to get along and treat each other nicely. She asks he gives. therefore, He asks she gives. he wishes.
So it would seem. Like I said, I do not think it is so cut and dried.
Assumning the best about her, I would guess, She doesnt want validation from telling. Words dont mean crap to a lawyer. They twist and tweak that all day every day.
I would not assume this because I am pretty sure that MrsHD does not know what she wants herself.
Maybe, She wants to use negative pushes and see him 'fight thru' so she can feel safe, because she is terrified, and wont admit it. If she wanted the M over, she would have told HD to get out. She didnt.
I agree with this. But her problem is that when she gets it, she can’t accept it, so she sabotages it. Then complains she isn’t getting it. Just leaving her to sort out these contradictory emotions may mean waiting forever. The marriage is on a limited time horizon IMO. Both parties can only endure so much for so long. She is not capable on her own of understanding her emotions. She needs some help, or she needs to see the contradictions within her to figure things out. HD can help in this.
Because of how and the way you are implementing your thoughts. your behavior. If you could put away your beliefs on *should* and stop the verbals, and see what your actions are, and just did that, your and your W could really be loving each other. I hope for you still.
Things in my M have generally been going pretty well over the past few months. A couple of weeks ago when school started, W started stressing out and getting nasty again. That is when we had the latest talk that I wrote about. In that talk I was finally able to get across to her appoint that I have been pressing for a long time, but only now was she either able to hear it or I was able to phrase it in a way that made sense.
That one realization has made a huge difference and I am surprise even today to see that things are still on a very even keel and moving along nicely. My behavior has nothing to do with this. My words, actions, attitude have not changed. She was able to see that she still held a filter over her eyes and understood how it affected her view of me.
It is very similar to what Corri has mentioned this past week in that she realizes she has put me in a particular “box” and has viewed all my comments from that particular bias. For some reason she has decided to remove that bias and now interprets me differently. Was that an emotional response on her part or an intellectual choice?
There is a big differance between a passive man allowing bad behavior to become entrenched in his W, over the years, and looking like NPD, and a real Narcissus. I worked alongside a somatic Narcissius for 5 years. I only wish I was half that hard.
I agree, and I think I said MrsHD is not NPD. Only a psychiatrist can make that diagnosis. But I think it is extremely important to understand the NPD personality when dealing with someone who has those tendencies or has been exposed to an NPD.
