back to square -1 or -10000

[cat03]

thanks friends, had a blast and danced danced the night away (if you've never tried zumba, do it now! nothing but the rhytm fills your mind and i'm sooooo relaxed.

Aud, you are a sweetheart, thank you I think I do need to regain my self steem so i'm not so hanged up on what he says now.
imLIN, I forget how long I had to wait before, it was a long time before he told me ILY.

Yes, he needs to become the man who would fight for me and want me, til then, he's in no shape to give me anything (or himself for that matter) I realize now that I have to make my own path without holding my breath for him.

I told him over the phone about the NJF book I had, seems he went through it, seems like he marked the park about a posibility of momentary separation while the involved partner figures himself out. Well, for the time being he's decided to stay in the spare room, I was dissapointed at the beginning when he told me so (and it was my idea!) but now I see its for the best, there'd be too many ackward silences and long emotional/angry midnight talks. So, that's the space he's got now.

I will try to figure out how to act normal in this abnormal sitch, he txt me today that all he remembers from our marriage from the most recent years was my recentment towards him. Well, I did try to fix things this past year, guess it wasn't enough for him. So I'll just GAL and try to focus on me and the kids.

[whapu]

Cat,
Thought I would bump into your thread to see whats up. HMMM...Picnic in the brain ehh? Someone invited some ANTS maybe. I think I will start backwards just for the sake of it.

I must go on and be myself, but it mightl feel like I have this 3 foot long sword in my chest while I go about my business. Having a pity party now, so bear with me, i'm sure later I'll be fine and that these tears will let that sadness out and that I will soldier on tomorrow and smile when I get home.

Cat...you probably should be by yourself for now. I read you had fun dancing and that is perfect. I think what everyone was suggesting about giving him some time is right on. He is a damp sponge right now and needs to have some of his thought evaporate....give him air and watch him and yourself breathe.

Yes, I understand. But right now, I'm crying, because this man I love doesnt love me. And i'm crying because no one else but you guys and maybe the C will hear this from me.
Stupid love songs.

This man doesnt love you? Hmmm...I admit I havent read through your entire library but I really dont get the impression that is true. I think he is being pulled from within like a "taffy pull" because he cant understand why his feelings stray to more than one person yet, he still wants you to be the "only" one. Time is your friend, let God or higher power take him in to counsel. Your job right now is stay focused on what you want ...dare I say, whether with him or not.

Yes, I know it's all too recent, the "not just friends" book says that the first 2-3months are the hardest, when both partners are ambivalent. I almost wanted to shout to him "if you have feelings for her and none for me then go and leave with her".

Timelines, Timelines, Timelines.....they are the tools that can whittle away your self esteem. (I know this is true at least for me..I bare the scars to prove it). Where is this Timeline that follows all of us ? Everyone has a different timeline Cat. As much as it hurts, some have shorter yardsticks and others have longer ones. (this applies in nearly everything ) Try to listen to your own clock not that of others...(I need to pay close attention to this as well).

For the second time, he's told me he feels no connection with me and that's why he didnt' think of appologizing, only to get rid of the problem at the time. His T told him he has a huge problem with confronting conflict, that the fact that I express myself better and he can't think that fast to answer makes him mad and he turns loud to back me off.

Because a person feels no connection with another from time to time doesnt mean they dont love you...it means that they have no starting point from within themselves to connect to another. to build a bridge, you need to start from the opposite shore...if he hasnt or failed to maintain it then that I believe is the problem he is relaying....let him build for awhile and if asked bring a tool or two. He will appreciate it. The problem confronting conflict I know all too well. I too share this malady and teh strange thing I noticed is taht it seems to create more conflict (I am trying to walk towards knowledge myself). By what I've read of you CAT, YOU seem to be the perefct person to help him deal with this....Time again needs to help you, not dismantle you.
There...I am done rambling and most likely just spurted nonsense anyway but at least it's something...and something is always better than nothing...peace

[cat03]

he still wants you to be the "only" one

I could kiss you

He does.

I did not comprehend this at all, at all.

Because a person feels no connection with another from time to time doesnt mean they dont love you...it means that they have no starting point from within themselves to connect to another.

You are right, he does not. And the fact that the next day I feel better doesn't give me the licence to think things *should* be better with him too. He was trying to tell me that yesterday and I wasn't listening, how I was healing at a faster pace and how he was still hurting and detaching from the emotions he had/has/felt toward op.

to build a bridge, you need to start from the opposite shore...

That's the problem with being head of the "improvement committee" :P

Feel so, sooooo much better

[cat03]

well, things are just getting more complicated. i had a meltdown yesterday, over txt msging thank heavens. Long story short, while he is trying to call me he gets called to his boss and is told they might fire him if his performance doesnt' get better.

This could really devastate him, his job is pretty much keeping his wits together at this point. A while ago, preA, because of a huge lie he told me he ended up in trouble at work and their superiors learned he was having an A (he told them while flustered)He got scolded and now he's afraid that's counting agaisnt him, and lately, because of the mess of me finding about the A, him racking his brains about trying to pay his debt to her without me knowing , he's been messing up more.

He admits it, that all this pain and trouble is because of the stuff he brought upon us. Part of me knows I must have some pity, but60% of me is glad he sees that his thrill has brought nothing but misery to all involved and hopes he really learns his lesson this time (apparently, last time when op tore him appart wasn't enough).
I dont' relish in his suffering by any means, but I sure hope it sinks in this time. He's going to be on edge for the next 3mts of probation, and sadly, that will put a strain on his healing, thus our healing. I do understand that a job defines a man, so I plan to work hard at seeing whatever positives we might achieve and to let things unfold at their own pace even if that is 1 inch a month. Easier said than done, but he's told me he wants us to work, so I'll hang on to that.
Man, this week has been so hard, my demons had the best of me yesterday, but I'm much better today.

[frank_D]

(1) Why does he 'have' to pay her back 'quickly'? If she was his 'lover', well, she can wait.

(2) The whole "This could really devastate him,..." Etc. Well, I was in a much worse place and I'm not 'devastated'.

Perhaps you should redefine what 'devastated' means... or, ask yourself "who am I protecting"

Either way, I promise you that I will help you through this. !!

thanks, Frank

[imLIN]

Frank...

I think he has to pay her back quickly to get her done and out of the way...no reason for her to contact and vice versa...

Also, I agree and understand with what she is stating about his job...many men do define themselves by their career...my H lost his job through no fault of his own...massive lay off after 9-11...this pretty much set off the major MLC that is JUST NOW settling down...he hasn't been able to hold down a regular job since he lost his career job...sad, but true...it did devistate him and drove him to living on credit that he can't pay back now...he went nuts with it and ran up over 120K in debt in a little over a year!!!...that is devistation my friend...when a man can't think past tomorrow to realize that he is digging a whole a deeper then he will be able to climb out of...Cat03's H is obviously treading water right now...

But...CAT03!...you can't really protect him...he might just have to face the devistating effects of his actions...much like my H is having to do...and yes, this will effect you to the extent you allow it to...I say this because sometimes if you can see the situation coming to a head you might need to move your game plan a bit to protect yourself...I filed and still have in place a judgement of legal separation...this keeps the creditors from coming after me...

Hang in there...just another upside down turn in the roller coaster ride...but there is always an end and it usually doesn't mellow until then....take care of you...Lin

[cat03]

Thanks for your support Frank, it is just like imLIN said, until she gets paid she wont' stop hounding my H, somehow she found out his new cell and has been asking him when she'll get paid.

My H overwhelms easily (adhd trait) and this threat about loosing his job has turned him into a nervous wreck. He admits it's his own fault, I dont' say "it's ok honey" just listen to him, he's facing it on his own. I am supportive to an extent, telling him I believe he can improve at work, but I'm not trying to ease that pain which he brought upon himself (and me).

[whapu]

Cat,
I am meadering down the thread boulevard to see how you are doing. You may have had a meltdown but you sure seemed to come out of it with incredible stamina. It seems you are like me in that you gurgle and boil from within for awhile and then explode, releasing all the waste...much like an emotional bowel movement...

Part of me knows I must have some pity, but60% of me is glad he sees that his thrill has brought nothing but misery to all involved and hopes he really learns his lesson this time (apparently, last time when op tore him appart wasn't enough).

I can only speak for myself but there has never been one moment in my life that I wanted anyones pity. I have always wanted people to understand I have a right to feel the way I do, no matter what stupid things I have done. I really hope he learns his lesson as well...I am beginning to think I am a receipant of adhd myself...hmmm/..will have to look into that. I relate.
My job is my identity as well and am immersed in a job with no identity...I overwhelm easily as well. I am really enjoying you and IMLIN's perspectives...
I hope the peace prevades through the spittle of the Demons....

[frank_D]

Thanks for your support Frank, it is just like imLIN said, until she gets paid she wont' stop hounding my H, somehow she found out his new cell and has been asking him when she'll get paid.

"Somehow"? How does that work?

My H overwhelms easily (adhd trait) and this threat about loosing his job has turned him into a nervous wreck.

I went through a similar period. There are meds like Concerta that help you keep focus. They worked great for me. Does he take anything?

[cat03]

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releasing all the waste...much like an emotional bowel movement...
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LMAO, so true, I can brave it up like anyone else, but when it comes out, it comes out.

About the cell, when he changed he explain Verizon he was getting "prank calls" and needed a new #, apparently that wasn't enough, he had to specifically have asked to be not listed, at the time he didn't do that and she got his #. I tried to find a cell directory online, there in no such thing, I don't know how she did it, just 10min ago I told him so, I said "you must've called her" he said he didn't, that when he called a 2nd time to have his # blocked it must've been too late, by then she must've figured out how to get it. I'm calling V right now to figured out how it happened.
The odd thing is, you can send a txt msg from an email acct to a phone. I sent one today using his old acct number and it went through! if you call his old # it tells it is disconnected, it is very strange.

No, he doesn't take any medication, he used to take Adderall last year, when we were separated, but he said it made him hyperfocus and would leave his body overtired but his mind still very much active. In some ways he said he actually felt like a "fuzz" was lifting of his brain (like tv static) and could actually think well. But he stopped taking it, he didnt' like the other effects. His new T will be looking at the results from a test he took with his T back then and at the psychologyst's treatment he received last yr to figure out what went wrong (dosage? )

Im working on having kindness now, as I see how the concecuenses are kicking him around, being strong and not say "see? you did this to us", that would never cross my lips, but you get my drift.
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my job is my identity as well and am immersed in a job with no identity.
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My H almost went nuts at some poing during his MLC, depression stage at his old job. It was mindless, repetitive and he never was able to move up (was looked over yet again for a promotion and that was what prompted armagedon, he moved out 3wks later) That's why he is so bewildered at the thought of loosing this job he loves.

Whapu, if you suspect you have ADHD the best book I can suggest so you can see if you have it is "Driven to Distraction" by a dr who has ADHD. ADHD people are very funny, no dull moments, impulsive. If people had car engines for brains they have a Ferrary's engine in theirs, their minds race from thought to thought and are impatient, hate surprises and change of subjects pretty fast. Don't have many friends and are not good at taking social cues (thus, the lack of friends) and say thoughtles things often, the "scanner" in their brain doesnt' stop them from saying thoughtless--and lots of times--rude comments.