One Foot in Front of the Other

[whapu]

Aud,
Trying to make a better effort with posting and visiting. So here comes my maybe futile attempt of gurgles of perspective...

his computer (not snooping--was just going to look up a site) to find an open porn page--with profiles of "hot-n-horny" women in our area. Blech. He gave me a story about it opening automatically from a free-media-downloading site, that the regional information is automated using our IP address.

Strangely, I have experience in this little scenerio from my children. He is most likely coming clean on this. About a year ago I checked the history on our computer and found these "little treasures" lurking. I was initially pi$$sed and confronted my older boys about this and they swore all they were doing was looking at "cheats" for their video games. Sure enough upon further investigation they were right! (I of course blocked these pages on the browser from coming up in the future). There are even sites That I use for free small application software that links with these sites as well.

I have noticed him acting a little bit differently today--like he's trying to reassure me, with some teasing and doing nice things for me, offering to take me with him when he leaves to visit some friends this evening.

Aud, I am not sticking up for your H necessarily but I can only spurt a little of my perspective. I really believe that he knows that you feel a little tense and skeptical over finding the website and he probably thinks he needs to lighten the air with his jesting and settle down the thoughts of (here we go again) with his invitations while he is still on "Red Alert". I guess YOU need to know AUD that you forgive because of YOU not him. When you release the BLAME you release the weight of burden. If you tilt your head to the side you might see he is being "caring"...like it really does matter to him how you feel.

I guess the root of my distrust is that from my perspective, he has never really felt true remorse and regret for what he has done, and that, IMHO, leaves the door open for it to happen again. If he doesn't realize just how big a deal it is, why should he watch himself?

I don't know how to resolve these feelings without dragging up the past. I'm trying so hard not to, trying to get past my fear. Trying to be open and non-judgemental with him, and praying he's being honest with me.

I really believe he does FEEL remorse. My W has brought this to my attention more than once. Flip the coin and if he was constantly dragging his feet and having his head down would that make you feel more comfortable in your relationship? It's hard to move when you dont go any where. I think he believes the more times he mentions it the more "life" he pumps into it and it will give less chance of it going away.
Aud, You are a very non-judgmental woman so you shouldnt have any fears regarding this. Just take the costumes off your thoughts and tell them they will probably have a chance to perform in the future. You have done a marvelous job in the past and you should know once again....if your H does stray or pulls the wool over your eyes...it is his hand that are dirty...not yours...peace