I've called the lawyer and given him the preliminary info..I have an appointment to meet with him on friday afternoon..I've been asked to bring financial info (wish I had kept the tax return form that h left lying around over the summer but once he came home it mysteriously dissapeared) all of last years bill etc..for the household are in a box waiting to go up to the attic..I'll just bring the box..thing is h makes more money than shows...he after all is paying for an appartment that doesn't show up in the household $...pays for trips to the superbowl season tickets etc..that don't show up in the household..h has more money than shows up in paper...I will not be deprived of what is due to me. if I cannot have h then at least I will have his money..which I've earned...I after all helped him start his business!!!!
h will not stop me...he doesn't know how and doesn't even know if he wants to stop me!!
You must protect yourself. As you said you helped the business. You are the mother of his children. You have loved and supported him and been faithful.
h comes home...plays outside with son while I put dd for a nap...h calls in to me...hey come see this...son playing ball in 4 ft snow..and rolling down the snowbank.
get lunch for son...offer h a sandwich..no thanks he says..stomach not up to it...h sits with son while son eats...dd wakes...I tell h I called and have an appointment..h asks when...what time...where....where did you find this lawyer? etc..
I let h know I am doing this to set him free..giving him what he wants...
h says nothing...
son asks if I'm angry ..not at you sweetie says I...son asks if I am angry at daddy...a little says I...h says LL angrily as if it is not ok for a child to know that people can be angry with someone other than him??? I let h know that there is nothing wrong with having feelings..that I want my son to know about and accept feelings...etc..
I get dd...feed dd lunch..h is putting on his boots to leave for work..kisses dd...kisses son at door...son then says mamma's turn...I don't move from my chair..h walks in and gives me a hard kiss on the forehead..and leaves...saying see you later (does that mean he plans to come home this evening?) I let him know I will proceed as quickly as possible so he can be free...it's what you want isn't it?? h closes the door and walks away.
WTF??? say yes it's what I want...say no it's not what I want...say I don't know what I want...say something dumb ass!!
I don't know why it is sooo hard for your H to speak what is on his mind, but IMO he is acting as if he has resigned himself to whatever fate you decide for him. A while back you mentioned a conversation he had with his mother where he questioned why would you take him back. Maybe he is allowing you to do this because it is what he feels he deserves to absolve him from whatever...
I'm so sorry that he is not willing to open up at all in order work on trying to improve R. One last time, I would suggest making a phone consultation here. You had mentioned that they wouldn't be able to help because you have done the 180's, the backing off, etc..., but since those haven't worked, their focus will be on coming up with new solutions. If nothing else, at least then you can have peace of mind that you had tried everything in your control to make the M work and thereby no regrets down the road wondering if you made the right descision to totally walk away.
Whatever you do, make sure it is the right call for you!
(((((LL)))))
'til later, KAW
P.S. Just had a thought, if he is not willing to talk, is he willing to listen. Maybe, ordering Michelle's tapes, and just listen to them by the fire might help bring him around.
LL - I wish that I could add more to what KAW has written but I can't. I can understand the frustration that you are feeling because I have seen it so much in my own life. Perhaps it's necessary to completely demolish what is there and clear the construction site before something new and wonderful can be built.
But I would pop for the cost of a telephone consult - I found it useful. I have the feeling that you'll make the right decision for you and your kids, LL. But keep that door open a little in case H gets a clue...
I will keep the door open for only so long...if he lets me go through with it without any fight at all..once the papers are signed there is no turning back!!!
He's not gonna fight. You know that. I feel so sad for you right now, but I have to look back at the basics. How did you draw him back to you? He did seem to make some genuine efforts when he first came back. Have you gone back to doing the things that he didn't respond to so well?
Listen LL, I know it is a pain in the a$$ to have to work so hard to get anything from him, when you just want to be relaxed around him and have him appreciate who you are. He should...you are a wonderful, dedicated wife and mother, with a lot to offer him. But he is stubborn and won't respond when you want him to. I personally think it's a bit of a game. But despite his faults, there are many good things about him, and he is the father of your children. Maybe things just moved too quickly for him (even though it has been too slowly for you) and he has cold feet now. He may be feeling pressure from you, as you are speaking your mind. Is it worth taking a step back, maybe even way back, to see if he warms up to you again? You were making progress. This may just have to go at his speed.
Quote: How did you draw him back to you? He did seem to make some genuine efforts when he first came back. Have you gone back to doing the things that he didn't respond to so well?
by ignoring him...not answering his calls...doing my own thing...making him give me his ring...etc.
when he first came back I still was aloof and didn't call or answer the phone...and was distant...eventually I softened up and re-entered the r but still gave him his space...
I am going to meet the lawyer on friday...I will bring home whatever forms there are to fill out...I will set things in motion...
all h has to do is say something anything...be willing to give me a friggen bone!!
I don't have any need or desire to wait for him anymore...it's been to damn long...he cannot even tell me if he will stay my h and I'm supposed to accept that?? don't think so...
I've done my job..if he doesn't want to do his..then I'll fire him...
I am SO sorry it's come to this. But remember this is not necessarily the end of anything. Pragmatically, there is nothing wrong with knowledge. Emotionally, maybe it will give him the kick in the behind he needs. In any event, you seemed to be stuck in this rut and had the guts to move things forward.
Remember...you deserve to be happy and your happiness does not depend on your H.
h calls..talks to son..then asks for me...asks me if son will be awake when he gets home... then asks if he can talk to me for a minute...ok says I
h says he is sorry...i think he said I love you but I couldn't really hear and when I asked him to repeat (and said I wasn't trying to be rude I really just couldn't hear him) so he said...I just wanted to say I'm sorry.. can't do word for word cause I don't get it all..but h is hurting...h is in pain..h is sorry for all this...h knows I am in pain...h says he can't talk much because he is hurting...h doesn't want to lose his family...h certainly doesn't want me going out to coffee with strange men...h is sorry that all this has happend. h is hurting and just wants peace.
I don't know what all that means...if there will be more later or if that's it..no where in there does it say he wants to be with me...no where in there does it say don't file for d...no where in there does it say..let's do something about us...nowhere in there does it say I don't want to lose you...
now I want to cry...actually am crying...I don't know anything...I don't understand my h...I don't hear him...he doesn't say things clearly it's all a riddle of words and I don't see the answer in it what he says can mean anything..why can I never get a direct statement?
