The ties that bind

[haphazard]

H just got back from a week away on a scuba diving trip. He really needed a break, and it sounds like he had a good time. He has been acting very distant with me however since he returned. He has cuddled the dog, cuddled the kids and spent time hanging out with them. He has been polite to me, given me a small peck which I barely felt. At one point I gave him a hug and asked "how's the diving body" meaning how is your body shaping up after a week's diving, usually it has a good effect and usually he's proud of it. He just said "fine" and shifted away from me. Last night when he came to bed (about 2 hours after me) he did not cuddle up at all, and when I shifted position so my foot touched his he moved his foot away. That is quite significant behaviour in our R, even in the most severe SSM periods we have mostly had some form of physical contact in bed, just a hand on a shoulder or whatever. S8 got in the bed next to me this morning. He sometimes does this but not often. Because he stayed longer than he normally would I said "You're feeling cuddly this morning" to him. H reached over me (without touching me at all) and ruffled S8's hair.

I guess he had a very good time on the boat. The people he was with are mostly younger then him without families and are all people he knows quite well from dive club. I suspect he was feeling "this is the real me" when he was hanging with them. And now it's back to reality.

I don't want to invade someone's space, I don't want to be a clingy pursuer. So I have not tried (like I would have in the past) to force the issue with him. This of course risks him perceiving that I am not welcoming him back. But when you get the tiniest of hello kisses, when you get flinched away from when you offer a hug, when you get blank glassy stares and a long-suffering expression in place of conversation, there is only so much you can do to be warm and welcoming.

Things I have done:
Kissed him
Smiled at him
Made conversation: eg asked him about the trip, updated him on how the kids are doing, how the dog is doing etc
Cooked a nice meal (roast duck)
Done his laundry
Admired his tan
Complimented and thanked him for making a good suggestion about adding grapes to the sauce for the duck

Things I haven't done:
Asked him what's wrong
Tried to cuddle up to him

We had a minor spat this morning when he asked me if I would bring the car back after dropping the kids at the child-minder's house.

I said "I can if you need me to"

He immediately told me off for making assumptions, saying he didn't need me to second guess what he was doing just say whether or not I was leaving the car outside the house.

I said "I hadn't been going to, but your question triggered the thought that perhaps you would need it."

He then said, "No I don't I'm going to work anyway I just wanted to know if the dog's been out for a pee"

So I said "Well why didn't you ask me that then, instead of accusing me of double speak. Yes he's been out."

It just seemed like uncalled for nastiness.

When I read the Relationship Types article Lou posted on his thread I identified our R as a survival R. I think it always was. I think after I split up from xBF I felt traumatised and reached out for an R any R to fill the gap. H just happened to be there. I think that survival mode was strongly reinforced by the fact the two of us went of back-packing round South America for a year as soon as our R was out in the open. We clung together as 2 gringos in an strange world.

I also think my mum modelled a survival R for me.

Looking at the way my daughter is I think it's probably partly foo based but also might just be the way I'm made. She is a very clingy child, forms very strong attachments and is inordinately upset when those attachments are threatened. There is no reason for her to be like this she just is.

My H has called me needy in the past. Something to which I just thought "huh, look who's talking" but now I'm thinking maybe it's true. Maybe I have been coming off as needy all this time. Maybe I AM needy.

I don't really know where to go with all this. I just feel like the R between H and I has been built on a false premise and really is finally coming unravelled. The survival mode kicked in again with full force when he left 4 years ago and I DB'd so very effectively to get him back, even though I didn't "want" him back. I really just felt he had no right to leave me.

So I seem to have gone from feeling really upbeat about my life and who I am and how I can just be me and let him be him, to feeling really kicked in the teeth when faced with the reality of the him that is him not wanting much connection with the me that is me. The fact is I feel the same way about him, but I'm like a kid that can't funtion without my teddy.

Fran