Nop knew this and was able to "capitalize" on it. It may not have been outright force, but that lingering emotional attachment can be VERY powerful.
If you have read their threads you would know that this is not what happened. He did not capitalize, he was fully involved and subject to all the emotions of going thru it. They both did the Hard Work. Cobra, I think/hope/know you have good intentions for 'fixing' your M, but the marriage is not the problem. You HAVE to work on you. No matter what your level of awareness you cannot fake your SO in a LTR. YOU are not that narcisstic, nor are you that manipulatively detached. Not by a long shot. Your SO will feel your intent. Its unavoidable. What you tell yourself after the fact to mitigate your pain is quite often differant. Thats why its obvious Strawberry Blonds x wasnt CNPD. I could take her posts apart paragraph by paragraph but she is D, isnt around, doesnt appear to want to see and so its not worth my time. If it makes her feel better thinking that then MPTH.
Mrs.NOP -HD has done an incredible job of trying to meet his wife's demands and expectations - imperfectly (as would any human), but he has agreed to and accepted her terms financially, with the housework, spiritually, in regards to childcare, all the way down to how to hang the towels.
Cobra -Yes, he has been more than understanding and helpful, more that I would have been.
This is not understanding and it is not helpful. Its enabling. This is not a criticism of HD, its informing you.
Mrs.NOP -That's a drowning man trying to grab a sniff of life before he goes back down under and into the riptide.
Cobra -When it feels like life or death to either party, then he fear escalates and the need to “control” increase. Add in denial and ego and you have the power struggle.
Sheesh. HD is not trying to control her. He doesnt WANT to have a power struggle. He doesnt Want to control her. He just wants to get along and treat each other nicely. She asks he gives. therefore, He asks she gives. he wishes.
OTOH, if MrsHD can feel some validation, some feeling that SHE is worthy and wanted to HD (even though I think HD tries to tell her this), she might have enough in the “love bank” to stick out the work needed to avoid D.
Assumning the best about her, I would guess, She doesnt want validation from telling. Words dont mean crap to a lawyer. They twist and tweak that all day every day. Maybe, She wants to use negative pushes and see him 'fight thru' so she can feel safe, because she is terrified, and wont admit it. If she wanted the M over, she would have told HD to get out. She didnt.
Cobra, sometime you get it. Your book understanding is so *bell ring*. I enjoy reading you oftentimes. and then the other times happen. Nobody is saying D. People are saying stand up for yourself, for R equitibility, and for your kids. Exactly what you did.
Then why is my marriage so much better than it was a year ago and well along the path to sustainability while your R is basically unchanged?
Because of how and the way you are implementing your thoughts. your behavior. If you could put away your beliefs on *should* and stop the verbals, and see what your actions are, and just did that, your and your W could really be loving each other. I hope for you still. but... like corri says...
There is a big differance between a passive man allowing bad behavior to become entrenched in his W, over the years, and looking like NPD, and a real Narcissus. I worked alongside a somatic Narcissius for 5 years. I only wish I was half that hard.
Cobra this is a general comment and not directed at you.
There were people here who thought NOP was 'brainwashing' and telling Choco to D. 1. Thats pretty demeaning to Choco. 2. Thats giving a lot of evil intent and power to Nop. 3. It shows a lot of ignorance of what is important to the Nops. Im glad Choc posted and reaffirmed, that was not the case. AT all.
Stop ascribing negative intent. Not only does it limit you, its ugly.
