wasn't going to start a new one, since nothing new happening. That was until about ten minutes ago, when the kids were telling me about their day and revealed to me that H took them to the OW's house. Honestly I am done, he thinks it is not only ok to have an EA for over a year, then tell everyone we mutually seperated, and tell all his family that I am crazy and mean and he has been miserable for years. But doesn't have the juevos to file for legal seperation or divorce. Then goes on pretty much living with this OW and they both go on like they are not doing anything wrong. He sees nothing wrong with exposing the kids to the OW this was since they are going to be together forever.
I am so ready to grab my kids, move out of state, get a full time job and take me and the kids out of his craziness. He has no idea what he is doing to them, just cuz they are acting ok now, how is this going to affect them for years to come?
My 10yo S told me the other day in the grocery store when he saw some flowers. Mom you should buy those for dad and then maybe he will come back to you.
Yet he did not leave me for the OW, he left me because of me, just me, and no other reason. Yet the kids can even see that he is choosing the OW over me. What they are not seeing just yet because I have been good at hiding it from them, and not letting H know i know, but there are many times that he chooses the OW over them too.
I am just so upset and disappointed that this is the person I spent 12 years with and thought I was going to raise four beautiful children live and happily ever after. He is just a complete jerk, as I sit here crying grieving.
not yet. i just texted H to ask him if he thought it was a good idea emotionally for the kids to go to her house. he just responded. absolutely 100%. UGH. So done. I just wrote back, I am not sure, this is something that as the parents of the children we should discuss.
ok adding on here. I think this was it, the straw that broke the camel's back. I think I am officially throwing in the DB'ing towel. Yes I will still GAL, and I will ramp up my LRT. Not been doing that as well. Just for me, but I am not longer going to let H do what he is doing. For fear of pushing him in a corner, and making him angry I have bit my tongue to long. He can not do this to me or our children. I am not going to play by the rules anymore. The door is shut and I am going to stand up for myself now. Sorry guys, but I just cant do this any longer.
I wanted to look up this complicated issue in one of my Divorce books on my pile. The Everything Divorce Guide states that children will often downplay their feelings about their parents' new relationships. Some children feel their bioligical parents will be threatened if they like the new partner. Children can also feel threatened as though this new relationship will take more time away from their parents. It is very difficult for children to meet a perspective step parent. The book says that children should be taught the difference between love and attention. That maybe their dad is paying more attention to this new person but that their dad still loves them. Love for children remains constant but as we know, attention changes. In order to teach children resiliency we must model how to roll with the punches and deal with changes without panicing. That is on us. It is extremely difficult.
I have had to tell my H I do not want to ever run into him whilst he is actively cheating on our marriage or having an affair. I use this language as he says he is "hanging out with his girlfriend". I let him know that his children will view his betrayal of our marriage as a betrayal of the intact family and yes they do take it personally. I do not attack her, the whore - kidding, I say that he is a sweet man and I am sure he has chosen a sweet person who just lacks morality-zing- and I cannot allow my children to associate with these people. My D6's Therapist taught me that and I stick to it!
Your H has no regard for your feelings and you cannot control him so do not show panic. Your S10 is already so insightful it is scary. They know way more than we give them credit for. Children will hang on to those reunion fantasies. Look at us, so do we. Heck, my parents have been divorced for 23 years and we still hope for a reconciliation! The last time my Dad was here, he stayed at my mom's house and they went gambling together every night! They are better friends now than ever but my mom says she will never take him back because he will never change. But I still think like a little kid and hopethey will get back together before they turn 70!
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thanks Mkultra. I have decided I do need to get some books on working with kids on this. I do not react in front of them, and have been very good at not letting them see these things. My H is not considering my feelings, but it also comes down to the fact that we both are their parents and we need to agree on stuff. He agrees to that until it comes to the point where he wants to do what he wants to do. I need to get some books that he can read that will show him that the children will act this way, but that it will affect them later.
So do not want to see him today. Today is my S12 birthday and we are supposed to go out to dinner as a family.
Unfortunately, even with the divorce he can bring the kids to OW's house. You can't stop whatever possible emotional damage, or unhealthy perception of relationships and marriage the kids may develop. All the blame and anger won't change it. Don't waste your breath on that.
Do the kids know he's "seeing" OW? Maybe you need to explain to them exactly what's going on and prepare them for divorce. Perhaps you can let your husband know that you both need to have this talk together with the kids. Although not today! Do it later in the week. Think about how you plan to explain it. I think the sooner you deal with the eventuality of divorce and the consequences, the better you'll be able to handle it. And don't you file for it. If you really want to go through with this tell your H he needs to file.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
The kids know he is seeing OW. Or at least my 10 year old does. Because it was my 10 yo who saw them kiss and he had to sit down and explain it to him. I do think that I need to tell him we both need to sit down and explain the whole thing to the kids. I think not today or this week, will ask him when he plans on filing divorce? I do not want to file, he wants it, he is moving toward it, I am just dealing with the hand that has been dealt me. He needs to file.
