RCR, Wow. To think that you just took the time to respond in the way you did. Wow. Thank you.
I probably shouldn't have read this before bed. I should think it over, but that is just not my style. So, I will respond now and be very tired in the a.m.
I will take your reply one step at a time.
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Why did you say he had to watch TV somewhere else?
I did this because I was trying to protect myself. You see, he doesn't only come here to watch t.v., or really even only to see the kids. Most of the time he gravitates towards me. He will always come up to my room to find me or end up in the living room with me. Now, this probably seems to be a "good thing," right? Well, I found that the more he did it, the more I couldn't understand just why we weren't together. It didn't seem as if he wanted to be away from me. When he made no move for us to come together, I felt I needed to set the boundary for my own sanity. To be perfectly honest, I try to make my decisions based on whether or not I can live with them no matter what happens later. For example, right now watching t.v. here is harmless, and it doesn't bother me too badly. BUT, what if he ends up in another relationship? Willl I still want him hanging out here? NO. Also, I guess that I am guilty of falling to peer (family) pressure here. I was tired of being yelled at by my family for allowing him free reign of the house. It seemed as if every other day I was being told "He chose to leave you all...Tell him to stick with it."
I am sure that none of that made a lot of sense, as it shouldn't, because I am majorly conflicted by the whole thing. I did make a decision today that I feel good about (but that will send my sister and other family members over the edge):
My youngest son told me today that he told his dad that he no longer wanted to go to his apartment. He said it was ridiculous that he had to split his time, and he no longer wanted to. He was hurt because he said my H said to "suck it up."
Well, part of me thinks that he (H) is getting what he deserves! I mean, he moved out of here. He is the one that doesn't want to work on the relationship, despite wishing that we had gone to counseling. So, if he, in a way, has lost his children, so be it. A consequence of his actions.
BUT, thank goodness, there is the part of me that wants the best for my children. A son needs his dad. So, I got on the phone and left this message for H:
"I just now found out about the conversation you had with S#3. I am sorry. I know that you don't like when I go back and forth on things because it confuses you, but I am going to do it because it is what is best for S. So, you are welcome here on Tues. nights to watch your show together. I know he would like that, and I want you two to have time together. So, hopefully I will see you then."
In the end, I just want to do what is right. I guess the only measurement I have for that particular boundary is the happiness of my son. So, gone is that one, for now.
I will, however, continue to ask that he knock on the door. I don't think this is unreasonable. I do not have access into his apartment AT ALL. I think I deserve my own private space, too. And, it took me a long time to be able to ask for that. He does make a lot more money than I do, so I felt as if I was taking his own house away from him. But, again, he did make this choice, and he was not kicked out of here. He walked willingly.
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He said, "So I should do like you and tell you every time you hurt me?" I said, "of course you should!
Like IMP, you took this in a better way than it was said. It wasn't an opening for R talk. It was said angrily, as if to say, "It is not right to tell me every time I hurt you." I replied the way I did because I wanted him to see that I wasn't beating up on him, I was trying to communicate my wants/needs, and I really hoped for him to do the same.
Good questions on the GAL topic. O.K., I wrote without thinking. Obviously, I CAN GAL. And, I do. What I was trying to say was that when it does bring him back around, I don't know what to do with that. I find myself getting annoyed by the whole thing. I mean, if he expresses jealousy (which he is known to do), I just get more angry and disgusted at him. Why does he do that? Why not leave me alone if he wants out?
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Quote: I do know that I would not consider keeping this relationship going if I didn't think that I could be better in it.
I see how you read that 2 different ways. I meant it in the way you wanted to ARF over. I know that he deserves better than what I gave for many years. I don't think I was a terrible wife, but I just didn't understand many things. Oh, and I was a crazy-maker. Yeah, I made lots of crazy so that he would give me the love and reassurances that I needed. And, in my own defense, it worked. You know how Dr. Phil always asks, "what's your pay-off?" Well, I had one. I would push and push and push at him for attention, and he would give it to me. I see now that I had to keep it up because deep down I knew I manipulated it, so it just got worse and worse because I was a bottomless pit. What I didn't know then that I know now is that he resented the hell out of all of that. He gave in to keep peace, but hated himself for being so "weak" as to allow himself to be manipulated.
So, when I say that I would be better in the relationship, I am saying that I now know that I have to be secure with myself, and that I can't get that from the outside. I know that things won't be the same with us (one of his fears, he has told me, is that our R will never change) because I am different. I sat down and prayed at the beginning of all of this. I asked God to restore this marriage, and I promised that I would stick with it thru thick and thin. I didn't want to see leaving or giving up as an option. You need to understand that my H's biggest fear is opening up to people. Anyone. And yes, that has included me. He has said that he is afraid that I will not like the "real" him. He has even said that he is willing to walk away from our relationship rather than to be completely himself. I have asked again and again, "What is the worst thing that can happen?" (if he were to open up and trust me with all that he has kept inside these many (22) years), and he says, "I would lose you."
Do you see the irony here? He is purposely losing me because he is afraid that if he shows his true self he will lose me!
I asked him the same Dr. Phil question that I referenced earlier about what his pay-off was for his behaviour. He said, "You can't hurt me."
Anyway, part of the promise I made to myself was that I would be in this for the long haul. Meaning, if he did open up and part of it scares/confuses/whatevers me, I would dig down deep and work through it WITH him. I needed to know that I wouldn't do what it is he fears, which is to hurt him.
You do make a good point about the compliments. I guess my problem and confusion lie in the fact that I have asked him repeatedly to stop saying those things to me because they do confuse me. I have told him flat out that it gives me hope for us. So, when he goes ahead and does it, despite what I have said, I begin to think he is trying to send a message. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn't. I just don't want to be worrying about that. However, I do see your point. I can control the amount of thought that I put into what he says. I will work on that. I know that one of his issues with me was that I couldn't accept a compliment.
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Quote: I really want to do better, and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.
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I don't get this...why do you think you are doing something wrong...cause you're not.
I said that because I am so frustrated over the way we cannot seem to communicate. I tend to just spill everything right out, and he needs to think things over for days, sometimes weeks! I say things that hurt him (not meaning to, honest), and he doesn't tell me that he is hurt. He may tell me much later, but by then he isn't as willing to "hear" my explanation of what I meant. I want to communicate better with him. I just don't know how. I never want to be the person who hurts him. I seem to keep doing it somehow, though. I am working on not spilling everything out, but that has morphed into a horrible habit of not saying anything for days and then saying everything all at once.
Now, I will go to bed and ponder the question of what I fear. I really need to think this one over. My first instinct is failure, but I am sure it goes deeper than that.
