Trying to get WAW back

[DaveJ]

Took S4 and D1.5 out to the playground for a bit of time with the kids yesterday morning. Even though W threw a fit when I suggested Fri, she seems to be appreciative of it. The things my S4 is saying is just breaking my heart. "Daddy why can't you work from home?" "Will you be here after my nap?" "Will you be home tonight? Tomorrow night?" "Daddy please stay home? Please?" *sigh* W just gets angry when I tell her. Thinking I'm trying to guilt trip her. Whatever. She thinks S4 will get over it eventually. I do wish she quit thinking about herself so much and think about the kids. I know she has a lot to deal with and it takes time, but still. At least acknowledge it. Oh whatever. That little boy almost made me break down and cry. Gotta tough it out and hope for the best. I think it may take a while for the W to straighten herself out....

This week my goal is not to slip with R talk. I'm really going to try to buckle down on that and make a very conscious effort. Last night really late I came back from a movie. W sent a picture of herself prettied up nicely and smiling to me. She took it for me earlier in the day. Melts my heart. We TM back and forth and ended up on the phone. She said she woke up middle of night and couldn't sleep. Really missing the heck out of me. Of course that triggered something and made me slip with the R talk. I messed up. Got so frustrated that she has these feelings for me but continuously trying to brush them aside. Oh well, gotta let her figure things out. Frustration and impatience are my enemy. Will really work on that this week!

[Sara]

He'll get over it? Losing his father? This is the type of thing that makes them forget they're toilet trained and have nightmares. You mean like if his dog died he'd get over it?

[DaveJ]

Sara, if you can convince my W to think differently by all means. She's hurting and she's just trying to justify what she's feeling. She's trying to not feel guilty about the kids....

[LL44]

My H has said divorce would be better for the kids because we'd be happier. And they would get over the initial shock and adjust?!! What? Sorry to hijack, but your W and my H sound like they took the same 'denial' seminar.

[NikB]

Dave - sorry to hear things are so tough. Just keep working on detaching, letting your W be an adult and deal with things on her own.

One thing though - I really think you both need to tell your son what's going on. I know he's only 4 so you can keep it pretty basic, but I think not telling him is only making it harder on him. He's going to figure it out and right now I bet he just feels like you're abandoning him over and over, I bet. I know that's not your fault or choice, but I think if you tell him you'll ALL be better off.

[DaveJ]

Yep. I hate it when they brush it off as it's trivial. They think the kids will just be fine if we continue to be good parents. Like it doesn't bother them when it's always I with the kids or her with the kids and never have a whole family. She's just feeling guilty. She gets angry and bitter about how everything is on her to decide. Yes I had a choice to not get to this hell hole. But what I did was out of ignorance. What she doing is a conscious choice. BIG difference. And you can't keep going back. What matters is now. Oh well, told her I'll be there for her for as long as it takes to get through her personal problems. Hope that counts for something when she thinks about us.

As the pastor/therapist I talked to said about divorce. The WAS has one set of pain right now. When they choose divorce, they think then end the current pain, but really not only the suffer the shock of divorce, they also pick up another set of pain. The first set can be healed if the couple commit to make the M work. The second set will never heal. Especially when you have kids. You are going to have that wound forever. Most people the therapist worked with that are divorced wished they never chose that route. Also, most couples that work through the tough times end up being MUCH happier later on according to some survey.

My W does think that if we can get through this we would have a really good M. However, the issue is if she can get through her issues. I sure hope she can for her sake. If she does, we will both end up being stronger people and good for our piecing. If not, she's gonna be a mess for the rest of her life and I don't think that's what she wants.

As far as my S goes. I'm really hoping this is temporary.... I'm not going to force the issue with the W. Any time I do it comes across as I'm pushing her and bad things happen. Just gonna shut up and smile for a while.

Oh is it bad my weekly conversation with mom is about 10mins, and with the MIL is an hour? :P Of course my mom just doesn't get it. Keep asking what's going on and how long it's gonna take. *sigh* So much for support from my parents....

[Nugget]

Dave, I understand exactly how you feel about your kids. My W tells me the same thing about my S5. She says he will be fine, a lot of others kids have divorced parents and they are fine. That is her way of justifying things. I say it is a bull sh*t statement, but that is her thoughts not mine. I can argue my point to her all I want, but it is not going to change anything and it will only push her farther away, so why focus on it. We all know how difficult a D is on our children, but arguing about it with our spouses is not going to change it. So don't focus on it. It is a cheeseless tunnel.

Another thought. Talking to your wife about the comments your S4 makes to you are not helping you DB your marriage. It comes across as if you are trying to guilt your wife. Don't do it. I am 100% sure that he is already making similar comments to her and your telling her about them is not anything she is not already hearing from him. Do not use him or his comments as pawns in your quest to win back you wife. They will only backfire. Answer yourself this. Does you wife love your kids? Would she do anything to intentionally harm them? Would she sacrifice her own well being to protect them? She knows they are suffering and she wants to protect them as much as you do. Do not allow her seemingly callous comments about them being unaffected by what is happening distract you from your goals.

[DaveJ]

Thanks Nugget. My S4 made some additional comments about where I am before he went to bed. W was there while he did it. I didn't say anything besides making my S4 feel ok. It'll sink in for her I'm sure. My goal for this week is to stay focused on me and keep interactions and conversations with W pleasant and avoid any slipping in R talk. Visited the kids today. W is having lots of anxiety due to trying to suppress her feelings of missing me. I just gave her encouragement and support and told her to hang in there. Here's hoping I can deal with the week ok.

I actually did pretty good GAL this weekend. Went to a bar to play poker Fri night with my house mate. Never played before. Nervous as heck and had no idea what I'm doing. As luck has it I won tenth place. Beginner's luck I suppose. Hooked up with the local alumni association on Sat and watched football in a REAL nice VIP room in the back of a sports bar. Big screen TVs and couches. It was a drive though....

[Nugget]

My goal for this week is to stay focused on me and keep interactions and conversations with W pleasant and avoid any slipping in R talk.

Dave, do you damndest to make it happen. You will be pleasantly surprised on the results it will get you. I have be more diligent in my efforts to do it and I am very pleased with the results it is yielding me.

[JMC]

Dave - my WAW made a similar comment regarding our daughter who was in her last semester of college at the time of our separation. Our daughter tells me she suffered her worst semester in school, and that my WAW does not open up to her very often about her choice to leave. It is just another indication of the WAW being selfish. Hang in there.