Almost a WAW

[sandi2]

Hi everyone. Hope you all had a good day. I think I will just start talking and see what rolls out.....that could be dangerous!

Okay.....I'm going to get my mind in a "planning mode" for something fun. I did something that was a very small baby step....and you girls have to do it all the time, so you don't think anything about it. As I told you, I have not been cooking to amount to anything in almost a year.....seriously! Anyway, Friday night when I said I was going to do something if only to "bat my eyes at him"....well, I got off the computer and went in the front room where he was watching TV and actually forced myself to sit through about three of those stupid sit-com shows. I laughed and played with our little dog and tried to appear that I was enjoying it. BTW, by playing with the little dog...she is like a kid and wants both of us loving on her at the same time....so I got her between me and H and was loving on her. At least we could use the dog as a "go between" if it felt uncomfortable.

Then Saturday I had made some plans, but it fell through b/c I was sick (again) ugh! It gets me down when I am sick several weekends in a row. However, I did cook a simple dinner and had on the stove when he came in from work. He doesn't usually work on Saturdays, but did this weekend. He almost fainted when he saw a home cooked meal. I wasn't able to do much of anything else yesterday, but then I got up early this morning (Sunday) in time to get something cooked before leaving for church. Two days in a row......yeah me! (lol) The main thing I want to work on this week while I'm getting my mind in a "planning mode" for some fun stuff....is to keep my words and tone of voice sweet sounding. As I have stated lately, I feel anger coming from somewhere. I don't like it, but it keeps trying to spring up and get away from me. I don't know anything that turns my H off worse or quicker than for me to have a bitter or sarcastic sounding voice. I remember him telling me once that the first thing that attracted him to me (besides my big boobs) was my sweet and care-free personality. (He said that I used to have one....really!) Well, he hasn't seen either of those things (boobs or sweet personality) in quite some time. At least, I can try to recapture the sweet personality. Man! Maybe I shouldn't have said that......I mean there is just so much I can do! Oh well....

I am almost leary about setting too large or too many goals b/c then I get sick and that gets me down really bad. So, I am going to "baby-step" again....like I tried last time. So tiny, but it must be important if he notices. Even if I just do one little bitty thing each day...that I would NOT have done otherwise....it would be better than nothing at all.

I learned through a web site called "Flylady" that so many of us gals were taught that if we couldn't clean house to perfection....you know that old saying, "if you can't do a job right, don't do it at all"?......well, we weren't taught right. A little bit is better than none. Incorrect house cleaning is better than none at all. So, I'm trying to overcome some of those things that have been a mind-set for many years. I have to since I don't have the physical energy to invest like I use to.

I am concerned about this anger in me. I think I've had it a long time.....probably years and years, but did not know how to channel it or get rid of it......heck, I don't even know what it is all about. I seem to feel a lot of anger toward men and especially my H. Down deep in my heart....and I don't want anyone to know this.....but,I don't think I've been a happy person in a very, very long time. In fact, I can't really remember the last time that I could say I truly was happy for any lenght of time. You can't hear me saying this, of course, but it would not be a pity party thing......I am just saying this as "a matter of fact", trying to sort things out as I journal tonight. I have learned to grab happiness in snatches when something happens that makes me laugh or "feels good" for the moment. I agree to a large degree that happiness is a choice. However, I believe there are certain forces in life that can rob us of happiness.....also. That is probably debatable, but then look at all of us on this board. We may learn to make the most of our situations, but are we as "happy" as we want to be?

Well, goodness, I'm just talking around in circles tonight, but not really accomplishing anything. I hope this will be a good week for all of you. I hope I can make it to work every day. That is the first goal I have to work toward......in order to keep my job.

Anyway, I want you, my friends, to make me accountable for something. Because I think I need that. Well, I know you can't "make" me....but you know what I mean. Get me to tell you what I am working toward......the "plan". Bug me about it until I do something. I have just sat around on my fanny and whinned about it, but I have the power to change things. No...I don't have the desire and that is the hardest thing in the world to force myself....but that is why I need you friends to help me out here. Will you do that for me?

Would you believe that right now as I am sitting here writing this to you that my old flesh is crying out to me to contact the OM? Can you believe that? It makes me so mad! I'm not going to do it, so it might as well give up. The warfare sure can get weary at times. But I have come here every night to read and post and it has helps to keep me on the straight and narrow, but I need to spend time doing other things, too. Since I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do what I would like to do, it is just so easy to sit here and do.....this. I think my H is beginning to get a little resentful of me spending so much time here, even though he just watches TV! You know what I mean.

Thanks for always listening.....at least I can't see the ones that don't (lol).