I decided to spend some time with H in his home office last night, and sat down at his computer (not snooping--was just going to look up a site) to find an open porn page--with profiles of "hot-n-horny" women in our area. Blech. He gave me a story about it opening automatically from a free-media-downloading site, that the regional information is automated using our IP address. Sounds semi-credible, but my gut wonders if I can trust his explanation. The page had been open for at least 24 hours...another browsing tab open on top of it. There didn't appear to be any login information...
It has thrown me back to wondering if everything he says and does is just an act. Some sick way of settling me down, keeping me "content and happy" so he can live a secret playboy life on the side. It feels horrible to think he's playing me.
I keep trying to change my thoughts to WHAT I WANT. I have noticed him acting a little bit differently today--like he's trying to reassure me, with some teasing and doing nice things for me, offering to take me with him when he leaves to visit some friends this evening.
I guess the root of my distrust is that from my perspective, he has never really felt true remorse and regret for what he has done, and that, IMHO, leaves the door open for it to happen again. If he doesn't realize just how big a deal it is, why should he watch himself?
I don't know how to resolve these feelings without dragging up the past. I'm trying so hard not to, trying to get past my fear. Trying to be open and non-judgemental with him, and praying he's being honest with me.
