Oh H...here we are again. Nothing ever changes. So, now it is time for me to let you go.
I know I said some terrible things to you. Some I regret. Some I do not. The fact is, you needed to hear those things so that you can truly see what you have become.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are suffering from depression of sorts. I'm sure of it. But it's more than that. It's also about you not knowing how to behave appropriately. Not knowing how to make the right choices in the face of your unhappiness.
It seems like you want to act one way, but you are driven to act another. Then you lie to cover it up. That is not right. That is how a child behaves... one who doesn't know better.
You are 33. You are ruining your life. You are alienating those who love you. I have tried to support you... to encourage you... to love you... to make you happy... and more. But my actions have no impact on how you choose to behave and how you choose to treat me or anyone else.
Do I believe there is a good person in there? Yes. Do I believe you can overcome this? That's up to you. You have the power to, but do you want to? That's the question. And I cannot be part of it anymore. I cannot allow anymore deceit or infidelity or just pain selfish, childish behavior.
Being a husband and a father carries a great responsibility, one that clearly you are not prepared to handle at this time. It requires unselfish acts... making responsible, morally whole decisions, even if it doesn't give you pleasure.
It breaks my heart seeing what you have become.
I wish you could turn to God. He will listen, if you let Him. He will hear your cries for help, if you choose to lean on Him. But without Him guiding you, I am afraid you will continue a life of guilty pleasures and sinful behavior. And you will never truly be happy if you continue this way.
I cannot save you. And apparently, I cannot help you either. Only you can help you. And it's time for me to step away and live my life away from the turmoil that you continue to create.
I'm sorry if my words hurt you. I don't ever intend to hurt you. I just find it so difficult to get through to you. And I've invested so much in you and in our marriage, to just see it come to this. It angers me and saddens me and it breaks my heart into pieces.
The kids and I deserve to have a full-time husband and father... one who can be a positive role model of honorable behavior. One who we can count on. We do not deserve to be victims your selfish acts.
I pray for you every day and I will continue to pray for you. I pray that you can open your eyes and your heart. It is not until you can take a good honest look at yourself that you will begin to heal. I know it's difficult to do, because it means facing things you don't want to face. But it's a critical part of your journey - if your journey is to find the happiness and goodness that lies deep within you. And when you can do that, you can begin to repair and make amends and be the person you were put on this earth to be. But only you can do this.
There is a passage in the bible that gets me through the hard times. Maybe it can help you.
Jeremiah 29:11 & 12 - For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.
I just felt I needed to share these feelings... that I will no longer tolerate this, but that I love him and believe he has the power to make a change in his life.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
